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Man on the Moon Page #6
Andy is hilarious. The crowd HOWLS with laughter.
MONTAGE - TAXI
In quick succession, a series of Andy's best Latka moments.
He's beloved. The applause grows louder, louder, LOUDER...
INT. TAXI SET, BACKSTAGE - DAY
TAXI curtain calls. The whole cast takes bows, then runs
offstage. Everyone is grinning -- except Andy.
He soberly strolls up to Zmuda.
ANDY:
I'm gonna quit.
ZMUDA:
What?!?
ANDY:
Each show is worse than the next.
ZMUDA:
Are you nuts?! 40 million people
watch you every week!
ANDY:
So? What do they know?
ZMUDA:
Absolutely nothing! That's the
beauty!
(he lowers his
voice)
It's credibility. You make them
love you... and then later, on your
special, you'll screw with their
heads!
Hmm?! Andy raises an eyebrow.
CUT TO:
INT. MAYNARD SMITH'S OFFICE - LA - DAY
The power office of Maynard Smith, the powerful ABC exec.
He shouts into a phone.
MAYNARD:
I don't care! Travolta signed a
contract, he's a Sweathog for
life!... Oh yeah? Just try to sue
us.
He HANGS up. His ASSISTANT peeks her head in.
ASSISTANT:
Sir, they're having a problem down
on the Kaufman Special. They say
he's not following the... technical
requirements.
Maynard is baffled.
MAYNARD:
"Technical"???
INT. "KAUFMAN SPECIAL" SET, TECH BOOTH - SAME TIME
Andy is in a booth, arguing with a HEAVYSET TECHNICIAN.
Zmuda watches and eats a banana.
ANDY:
It's my show! Now make it roll!
TECHNICIAN:
NO!
Maynard strolls up, buttoning his suit jacket, irritated as
he walks around Little Wendy meditating in front of a ring
of candles.
MAYNARD:
Andy, I hear fabulous things about
the Special...
(a delicate pause)
Eh, I understand we've hit a teeny
speedbump?
TECHNICIAN:
(harried)
Yeah, Kid Genius told me to mess
with the horizontal hold! He wants
the picture to roll!
Maynard doesn't exactly understand.
MAYNARD:
Show me.
The technician pushes a button. ON THE MONITOR - Andy's
image briefly appears.
ANDY (ON-SCREEN)
And now... in her television debut,
the incredible Chubby Rosalie!!
At that moment, Andy's image starts rolling across the
screen, until it disappears into a blur of static...
ANDY:
(happy)
It'll be great. The viewer will
think their TV is broken. They'll
get out of their chair, they'll
twist the knobs, they'll hit the TV,
but they won't be able to fix it!
Maynard stares at the monitor. The totally indecipherable
picture still rolls. A glum pause.
MAYNARD:
Andy... we don't want the viewer to
get out of their chair. They might
change the channel.
ANDY:
But it's funny! It's a practical
joke. They'll get frustrated!
Andy beams giddily. Maynard gazes dully, struggling to
reason.
MAYNARD:
Andy... uhh... this network has a
long-standing policy: The viewer
must be able to see the program.
ANDY:
But it's only for thirty seconds!
Beat.
MAYNARD:
Five.
ANDY:
Twenty!
MAYNARD:
Ten.
ANDY:
Deal.
Both men quickly extend their hands and shake. Maynard nods
and leaves.
Beat. Then, Andy pulls out a Handi-wipe and cleans his
palm.
A STUDIO PAGE walks over. He has a huge MAIL BAG.
STUDIO PAGE:
Mr. Kaufman, do you want your mail?
Andy looks up -- and his face lights up like Christmas.
INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - DAY
Andy's crappy apartment, which looks like a dorm room: Cheap
furniture, stained carpet, and a framed photo of the
Maharishi. Andy lies on his bed, which is covered with
THOUSANDS OF LETTERS. He happily chats on the phone.
ANDY:
... Yes, it's Andy Kaufman!...
Really! ...I got your fan letter...
So you like the show? Your letter
said I was silly. Did you think I
was too silly?... Oh good. I'm
glad.
Andy holds a letter which has a GIRL'S SNAPSHOT stapled to
it. He is very nervous.
ANDY (cont'd)
It was real nice of you to send your
picture, Mimi... 'Cause you knew
what I looked like... and now, I
know what you look like!
Andy flips the letter over. He glances at the return
address.
ANDY (cont'd)
So, um... San Bernardino...
(beat)
That's just a couple hours away,
isn't it...?
EXT. SAN BERNARDINO, DOWNTOWN - DUSK
The sun is setting. In an ugly shopping district, Andy
walks along with sexy, wholesome MIMI.
MIMI:
college, I'll go to work for my
dad's accounting firm. Unless, I
decide to live with my friend
Valerie, but she wants to move to
Anaheim, and I don't want to do
that.
A disinterested beat.
ANDY:
Oh.
Another beat.
ANDY (cont'd)
So do you wanna wrestle?
MIMI:
Excuse me -- ?
ANDY:
Do you wanna wrestle? It's a good
way of breaking the ice.
(pause)
That instant physical intimacy
really brings two people together.
Mimi is bewildered, and offended.
MIMI:
What are you talking about?! We
just met an hour ago.
ANDY:
(calm)
No no no, it's not sex! I mean --
it can lead to sex... but really,
it's just wrestling.
MIMI:
An awkward silence. They continue walking. She points up.
MIMI (cont'd)
The sunset is really beautiful.
ANDY:
What do you mean?
MIMI:
(a bit offput)
I mean -- uh -- the colors in the
sky are so vibrant. I love this
time of day.
ANDY:
(he shrugs dully)
I've never understood that. It's
just... getting dark.
(pause)
But I like you! Hey! Why don't we
fill the car with gas, drive to
Tijuana, and GET MARRIED???
ANGLE - MIMI
Fear. She shivers, then hoarsely speaks.
MIMI:
CUT TO:
INT. ABC CONFERENCE ROOM - LA - DAY
George screens Andy's TV Special for Maynard and his team.
The network execs look constipated.
ON THE TV - Andy speaks tenderly, lovingly to Howdy Doody.
ANDY (ON TV)
You know... I was once in your
gallery. I was just sitting there
and I wanted to touch you. I was
kind of depressed because I could
see what everyone was like, and I
was wondering if, now, maybe I
could... touch you.
Very gently, Andy touches Howdy's cheek and starts weeping.
THE EXECS -- are horrified.
ANDY (ON TV)
(cont'd)
Howdy, I've been
watching you ever
since I was a little
boy...
(choked up,
nervous)
You're the first
friend from television
I ever had. I always
wanted to meet you...
and now ...I finally
am.
EXEC #2
This is NOT funny.
EXEC #3
(ominous)
"Artsy Fartsy sh*t"...
GEORGE:
(worried at this
response)
No... eh, the Special
isn't all like this...
just wait... it will be
hysterical.
At that moment, the picture turns to FUZZY SNOW. Maynard
scowls.
MAYNARD:
Christ! We're the Number One
Network -- can't we afford decent
TVs?!
Maynard angrily jumps and POUNDS on the TV. BANG, BANG!
George winces -- then mutters awkwardly.
GEORGE:
No, um... it's part of the snow.
An awful beat.
Maynard is embarrassed. Finally -- he explodes.
MAYNARD:
Tell Kaufman we will NEVER air this
program!!
INT. JERRY'S DELI - NIGHT
A delicatessen. Andy wears an apron and angrily cleans
tables. He stacks dirty dishes and wipes up the food. Two
BLUE COLLAR GUYS gesture from a booth.
Excuse me, could I please have more
coffee?
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"Man on the Moon" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/man_on_the_moon_718>.
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