Man on the Moon Page #6

Andy is hilarious. The crowd HOWLS with laughter.

MONTAGE - TAXI

In quick succession, a series of Andy's best Latka moments.

He's beloved. The applause grows louder, louder, LOUDER...

INT. TAXI SET, BACKSTAGE - DAY

TAXI curtain calls. The whole cast takes bows, then runs

offstage. Everyone is grinning -- except Andy.

He soberly strolls up to Zmuda.

ANDY:

I'm gonna quit.

ZMUDA:

What?!?

ANDY:

Each show is worse than the next.

ZMUDA:

Are you nuts?! 40 million people

watch you every week!

ANDY:

So? What do they know?

ZMUDA:

Absolutely nothing! That's the

beauty!

(he lowers his

voice)

It's credibility. You make them

love you... and then later, on your

special, you'll screw with their

heads!

Hmm?! Andy raises an eyebrow.

CUT TO:

INT. MAYNARD SMITH'S OFFICE - LA - DAY

The power office of Maynard Smith, the powerful ABC exec.

He shouts into a phone.

MAYNARD:

I don't care! Travolta signed a

contract, he's a Sweathog for

life!... Oh yeah? Just try to sue

us.

He HANGS up. His ASSISTANT peeks her head in.

ASSISTANT:

Sir, they're having a problem down

on the Kaufman Special. They say

he's not following the... technical

requirements.

Maynard is baffled.

MAYNARD:

"Technical"???

INT. "KAUFMAN SPECIAL" SET, TECH BOOTH - SAME TIME

Andy is in a booth, arguing with a HEAVYSET TECHNICIAN.

Zmuda watches and eats a banana.

ANDY:

It's my show! Now make it roll!

TECHNICIAN:

NO!

Maynard strolls up, buttoning his suit jacket, irritated as

he walks around Little Wendy meditating in front of a ring

of candles.

MAYNARD:

Andy, I hear fabulous things about

the Special...

(a delicate pause)

Eh, I understand we've hit a teeny

speedbump?

TECHNICIAN:

(harried)

Yeah, Kid Genius told me to mess

with the horizontal hold! He wants

the picture to roll!

Maynard doesn't exactly understand.

MAYNARD:

Show me.

The technician pushes a button. ON THE MONITOR - Andy's

image briefly appears.

ANDY (ON-SCREEN)

And now... in her television debut,

the incredible Chubby Rosalie!!

At that moment, Andy's image starts rolling across the

screen, until it disappears into a blur of static...

ANDY:

(happy)

It'll be great. The viewer will

think their TV is broken. They'll

get out of their chair, they'll

twist the knobs, they'll hit the TV,

but they won't be able to fix it!

Maynard stares at the monitor. The totally indecipherable

picture still rolls. A glum pause.

MAYNARD:

Andy... we don't want the viewer to

get out of their chair. They might

change the channel.

ANDY:

But it's funny! It's a practical

joke. They'll get frustrated!

Andy beams giddily. Maynard gazes dully, struggling to

reason.

MAYNARD:

Andy... uhh... this network has a

long-standing policy: The viewer

must be able to see the program.

ANDY:

But it's only for thirty seconds!

Beat.

MAYNARD:

Five.

ANDY:

Twenty!

MAYNARD:

Ten.

ANDY:

Deal.

Both men quickly extend their hands and shake. Maynard nods

and leaves.

Beat. Then, Andy pulls out a Handi-wipe and cleans his

palm.

A STUDIO PAGE walks over. He has a huge MAIL BAG.

STUDIO PAGE:

Mr. Kaufman, do you want your mail?

Andy looks up -- and his face lights up like Christmas.

INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - DAY

Andy's crappy apartment, which looks like a dorm room: Cheap

furniture, stained carpet, and a framed photo of the

Maharishi. Andy lies on his bed, which is covered with

THOUSANDS OF LETTERS. He happily chats on the phone.

ANDY:

... Yes, it's Andy Kaufman!...

Really! ...I got your fan letter...

So you like the show? Your letter

said I was silly. Did you think I

was too silly?... Oh good. I'm

glad.

Andy holds a letter which has a GIRL'S SNAPSHOT stapled to

it. He is very nervous.

ANDY (cont'd)

It was real nice of you to send your

picture, Mimi... 'Cause you knew

what I looked like... and now, I

know what you look like!

Andy flips the letter over. He glances at the return

address.

ANDY (cont'd)

So, um... San Bernardino...

(beat)

That's just a couple hours away,

isn't it...?

EXT. SAN BERNARDINO, DOWNTOWN - DUSK

The sun is setting. In an ugly shopping district, Andy

walks along with sexy, wholesome MIMI.

MIMI:

... so after I finish junior

college, I'll go to work for my

dad's accounting firm. Unless, I

decide to live with my friend

Valerie, but she wants to move to

Anaheim, and I don't want to do

that.

A disinterested beat.

ANDY:

Oh.

Another beat.

ANDY (cont'd)

So do you wanna wrestle?

MIMI:

Excuse me -- ?

ANDY:

Do you wanna wrestle? It's a good

way of breaking the ice.

(pause)

That instant physical intimacy

really brings two people together.

Mimi is bewildered, and offended.

MIMI:

What are you talking about?! We

just met an hour ago.

ANDY:

(calm)

No no no, it's not sex! I mean --

it can lead to sex... but really,

it's just wrestling.

MIMI:

I don't wanna talk about it!

An awkward silence. They continue walking. She points up.

MIMI (cont'd)

The sunset is really beautiful.

ANDY:

What do you mean?

MIMI:

(a bit offput)

I mean -- uh -- the colors in the

sky are so vibrant. I love this

time of day.

ANDY:

(he shrugs dully)

I've never understood that. It's

just... getting dark.

(pause)

But I like you! Hey! Why don't we

fill the car with gas, drive to

Tijuana, and GET MARRIED???

ANGLE - MIMI

Fear. She shivers, then hoarsely speaks.

MIMI:

I think I wanna go home.

CUT TO:

INT. ABC CONFERENCE ROOM - LA - DAY

George screens Andy's TV Special for Maynard and his team.

The network execs look constipated.

ON THE TV - Andy speaks tenderly, lovingly to Howdy Doody.

ANDY (ON TV)

You know... I was once in your

gallery. I was just sitting there

and I wanted to touch you. I was

kind of depressed because I could

see what everyone was like, and I

was wondering if, now, maybe I

could... touch you.

Very gently, Andy touches Howdy's cheek and starts weeping.

THE EXECS -- are horrified.

ANDY (ON TV)

(cont'd)

Howdy, I've been

watching you ever

since I was a little

boy...

(choked up,

nervous)

You're the first

friend from television

I ever had. I always

wanted to meet you...

and now ...I finally

am.

EXEC #2

This is NOT funny.

EXEC #3

(ominous)

"Artsy Fartsy sh*t"...

GEORGE:

(worried at this

response)

No... eh, the Special

isn't all like this...

just wait... it will be

hysterical.

At that moment, the picture turns to FUZZY SNOW. Maynard

scowls.

MAYNARD:

Christ! We're the Number One

Network -- can't we afford decent

TVs?!

Maynard angrily jumps and POUNDS on the TV. BANG, BANG!

George winces -- then mutters awkwardly.

GEORGE:

No, um... it's part of the snow.

An awful beat.

Maynard is embarrassed. Finally -- he explodes.

MAYNARD:

Tell Kaufman we will NEVER air this

program!!

INT. JERRY'S DELI - NIGHT

A delicatessen. Andy wears an apron and angrily cleans

tables. He stacks dirty dishes and wipes up the food. Two

BLUE COLLAR GUYS gesture from a booth.

BLUE COLLAR GUY 1

Excuse me, could I please have more

coffee?

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