Man on the Moon Page #5

ANGRY GUY:

Goddamn, I paid five dollars for

this.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

And now! A man who needs no

introduction... TONY CLIFTON!

The band starts playing lounge standard "VOLARE". And then,

obnoxious TONY CLIFTON swaggers out. Tony has a rubbery

face, black wig and moustache, sunglasses, a padded belly,

and a peach tuxedo with blue shirt and velvet piping.

Tony stops, smirks at the audience, and sucks on a

cigarette. He blows smoke rings at them.

TONY CLIFTON:

Heh-heh. How ya all doin'?

The crowd is furious.

ANGRY GUY:

F*** you!

People light back up and start talking. Tony ignores the

ruckus. He starts SINGING, pinched and off-key.

TONY CLIFTON:

(singing)

"Volare!

Whoa, whoa.

Cantare,

Whoa whoa whoa whoa."

George winces. He's horrible.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

(singing)

"I got the wings of your love,

I got the wings of a dove.

I got the... uh...

(forgetting the

words)

... the chicken wings from

Eh, Kentucky Fried..."

The band is lost.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

Oh. Whoop do doo,

Whoop de di,

Stick a needle in your eye...

The band gives up and stops.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

Eh, the hell with that song.

One person CLAPS. Most BOO.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

So how ya doin'!

(leering)

How ya doin' over here? How ya

doin' over there?

(he approaches a

WOMAN)

How's that pasta carbonara?

WOMAN:

Leave me alone.

TONY CLIFTON:

Okay!

(he spins around)

So, you havin' a good time, sir?!

Tony approaches a LONELY SAD SACK sitting at the bar. Tony

thrusts his mike at the guy.

SAD SACK:

Sure...

TONY CLIFTON:

What's your name?

SAD SACK:

Bob.

TONY CLIFTON:

(he reacts as if

this is enormously

funny)

"Bob"? BOB! Bob bob bob.

(beat)

Bob what?

SAD SACK:

Bob Gorsky.

TONY CLIFTON:

"Gorsky"? What is that, Polish?

SAD SACK:

(meek)

Yes.

Tony gets indignant.

TONY CLIFTON:

Are you tryin' to do some of that

Polack humor? Well if that's so,

you can just get the hell out of

this restaurant!

SAD SACK:

(timid)

It's my name.

TONY CLIFTON:

SHUT UP! I hate them Polish jokes!

People are embarrassed.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

I do a clean show! Like, I wouldn't

do that one... oh, you know it...

"What do you call a pretty girl in

Poland"?

SAD SACK:

(he giggles

stupidly)

A -- a tourist.

TONY CLIFTON:

See, that's EXACTLY what I'm talkin'

about!

(enraged)

Here! I'LL give you a little humor!

Tony snatches Bob's water glass and POURS IT over his head!

George is appalled. The crowd is aghast. Bob is wet.

People BOO AND HURL THINGS.

Bob starts weeping, then bolts up and runs from the

building.

TONY CLIFTON (cont'd)

And stay out, Fatso!

The room erupts, outraged. George covers his face, looking

ill. Suddenly, Tony snaps at him.

ANDY:

And YOU. I wanna see you backstage!

George is rattled.

INT. MAMA ROMA'S, KITCHEN - LATER THAT NIGHT

The kitchen staff is working. George wanders around... then

finally spots Tony, back to us, eating pasta at the

employees' table. Aggravated, George aggressively steps up.

GEORGE:

Alright, I'm here. What do you

want?

Tony puts down his fork. He pauses... slowly turns

around... and is Andy.

George GASPS. His eyes bulge.

Andy smiles innocently. He gestures to an empty seat.

ANDY:

Are you hungry?

George is breathing heavily, like someone about to have a

heart attack. His brain melting, he shakily reaches for a

chair and sits. George glances down. Lying alongside the

food is Tony's rubber face.

GEORGE:

I... I-I don't understand this act.

ANDY:

(in jolly spirits)

It's good old-fashioned

entertainment. Everyone loves a

villain.

GEORGE:

Yeah? Well tell that to the poor

schlub who you humiliated!

Beat -- then Bob strolls over. His real name is BOB ZMUDA.

ZMUDA:

Hey Andy, good show.

ANDY:

Oh George, this is Bob Zmuda. Bob

and I have been buddies for years.

George gapes. On closer inspection, Bob is cocky, aloof,

and conniving. He and Andy grin naughtily at each other.

ZMUDA:

That was a really hot house!

GEORGE:

So your name's not Gorsky.

ZMUDA:

Don't believe everything you hear.

George thinks about this -- then laughs.

CUT TO:

INT. ABC CONFERENCE ROOM - LA - DAY

Maynard and the ABC suits sit at the table, mesmerized.

George is confidentially whispering to them.

GEORGE:

This has to stay in the room... but

here's the thing: Andy is Tony. And

Tony is Andy! They'll deny it up

and down, but I swear to God,

they're the same person!

(with urgency)

It's smart business! You'll get two

Andy Kaufmans for the price of one!

Maynard thinks about this, quite methodically. A beat, and

then he cracks a smile...

INT. ALPHA BETA SUPERMARKET - NIGHT

1 a.m. in the supermarket. Just a few people linger...

including Andy, who's at the Space Invaders videogame. Andy

stares intently at the screen, eyes piercing, fingers

hammering the buttons while he blows up Martians. Andy is

oblivious to all around him.

In the b.g., George suddenly enters. He looks around the

market, then spots Andy. He feverishly runs up.

GEORGE:

Andy!

ANDY:

(still playing the

game)

What's up?

George grins crazily, ecstatically.

GEORGE:

Andy... THEY SAID YES! They agreed

to it all! They thought your terms

were a shining example of your

"irreverent wit" -- and precisely

why they want you!

(beat)

You're getting EVERYTHING!

Whoa. Andy looks up, astonished. His space station

EXPLODES, but he doesn't notice. He turns to George... and

slowly smiles sweetly. Genuinely.

ANDY:

Well thank you very much...!

CUT TO:

INT. TAXI SET - DAY

The first week of "TAXI." The CAST rehearses on the Taxi

set. PRODUCERS watch from the bleachers.

(The actual TAXI scene will be determined.) JUDD HIRSCH,

TONY DANZA, and MARILU HENNER read their lines.

Then... a bored BLACK STAND-IN reads Latka's line.

The cast glances around. Tony Danza loses his temper.

TONY DANZA:

Man, this is bullshit!

(he marches up to

the PRODUCER)

Where's Kaufman? Why isn't he

here??

One producer stands. This is tightly-wound ED WEINBERGER.

ED:

You'll see him on Friday when we

shoot. Now run the lines with

Rodney.

An angry beat. The actors resume...

INT. TAXI SET - DAYS LATER

The AUDIENCE is filtering in. They fill the studio

bleachers.

INT. TAXI SET, BACKSTAGE - DAY

Actors mingle outside the dressing rooms.

JUDD HIRSCH:

I'm taking bets we do the show with

the stand-in.

MARILU HENNER:

No, I hear Andy arrived. Rumor is

he's locked inside his dressing

room.

Judd is surprised.

INT. TAXI SET, ANDY'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY

Andy is meditating. He's tranquil, at total inner peace.

Silence -- until a little clock radio CHIRPS.

Andy snaps his eyes open. He exhales a few calm breaths,

then sits upright. Andy reaches for a sealed envelope, rips

it open, and removes a SCRIPT.

Andy sighs, opens the script, and starts scanning the pages

like a speedreader.

INT. TAXI SET - LATER THAT DAY

Bleachers are full. They're now filming TAXI (the same

scene as earlier). On cue, Andy enters as LATKA -- wide-

eyed, endearing, in mechanic's overalls.

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