Man on the Moon Page #4

INT. SNL SET, BOOTH - NIGHT

The SNL producer, LORNE MICHAELS, looks worried.

LORNE MICHAELS:

What's happening to him?

INT. SNL SET - NIGHT

At that moment, Andy puts the boom box down and blares it

loudly. The THEME FROM "MIGHTY MOUSE" plays -- but Andy

just blankly stands there.

He's purposefully doing nothing.

MIGHTY MOUSE THEME (V.O.)

"Although we are in danger,

We never despair,

Because we know where there is

danger

He is there!"

The audience is puzzled. The Kaufmans are alarmed.

INT. SNL SET, BOOTH - NIGHT

Lorne Michaels is panicked.

LORNE MICHAELS:

Oh my God, he's doing nothing. It's

dead air...!

INT. SNL SET - NIGHT

BACK ON ANDY.

MIGHTY MOUSE THEME (V.O.)

"We're not worrying at all.

We're just listening for his

call..."

Then SUDDENLY -- Andy comes to life and triumphantly LIP

SYNCS.

MIGHTY MOUSE THEME (V.O.) (cont'd)

"Here I come to save the day!"

Shocked, the crowd HOWLS with LAUGHTER.

Then instantly -- Andy resumes his blank expression.

MIGHTY MOUSE THEME (V.O.) (cont'd)

"That means that Mighty Mouse is on

the way!"

The audience SCREAMS with glee. The tune ENDS, and the

audience APPLAUDS CRAZILY.

Delighted, Andy grins and bows.

The Kaufmans clap the hardest. Stanley locks eyes with

Andy... and the beaming father smiles the proudest of all.

CUT TO:

INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY

George jumps from his desk. Andy is walking in.

GEORGE:

Andy, c'mon IN! Thanks for flyin'

out here!!

ANDY:

The stewardess let me keep my

headphones.

GEORGE:

That's... terrific! But I got

something better. This is BIG...

(giddy; milking the

moment)

You are getting a once-in-a-

lifetime, unbelievably lucrative

opportunity to star on... a

PRIMETIME NETWORK SITCOM!!!!

Andy's smile drops. He freezes up.

ANDY:

Sitcom...?

GEORGE:

And this is a CLASS ACT! It's the

guys who did the Mary Tyler Moore

and Bob Newhart shows! It takes

place in a taxi stand! And you're

gonna be the Fonzie!

ANDY:

(confused)

I'm -- Fonzie?

GEORGE:

NO! The Fonzie! The crazy breakout

character! The guy that all the

kids impersonate and put on their

lunchboxes!

ANDY:

(soft)

George, I hate sitcoms.

GEORGE:

HANG ON, you ain't heard the best

part! ABC has seen your foreign man

character, and they want to turn him

into --

(he checks his

notes)

"Latka," a lovable, goofy

mechanic!!!

Long pause. Then -- Andy responds.

ANDY:

No.

GEORGE:

"No"? "No" to which part??

ANDY:

No to the whole thing. None of it

sounds good.

George is flummoxed.

GEORGE:

Andy... this is every comedian's

dream.

ANDY:

I told you, I'm not a comedian. And

sitcoms are the lowest form of

entertainment:
Stupid jokes and

canned laughter.

GEORGE:

(shocked)

B-but, this is classy... they did

Bob Newha--

ANDY:

I'm not interested. I want to

create my own material.

Beat. George glares.

GEORGE:

You have to do it.

ANDY:

I refuse.

GEORGE:

(he explodes)

LISTEN, you arrogant putz! I've

been in this business for twenty

years! I know! If you walk away

from this opportunity, you will

never, NEVER see another one like it

again!!!!

Long pause. Andy stares at George, amazed at this passion.

Then Andy gets up and looks around the office. He stares at

the awards... the gold records... emblems of success and

experience.

Andy thinks -- then nods.

ANDY:

Okay. Fine, I'll do it.

(beat)

But I have a few terms.

GEORGE:

(relieved)

Of course! That's what negotiations

are for.

Andy starts to write on a piece of paper.

GEORGE (cont'd)

What are you doing?

ANDY:

Writing down my terms.

George watches patiently.

Andy clicks his pen, done. George smiles and takes the

list. He scans it... then his face gets totally befuddled.

GEORGE:

Are you makin' fun of me --? This

is RIDICULOUS!

ANDY:

(blasé)

Those are my terms.

GEORGE:

They're IMPOSSIBLE!! Jesus!

(he points at one

item)

I mean -- "two guaranteed guest

shots for Tony Clifton"??! Who is

this TONY CLIFTON?!

ANDY:

He's a Vegas entertainer. I used to

do impressions of him. We sorta...

got in a fight over that.

George gets a look.

GEORGE:

This Clifton called me up. He's a

loon! He HATES you!

ANDY:

Nah, he just talks tough. But I owe

him one.

Andy smiles ingenuously, then turns stern.

ANDY (cont'd)

If I'm the new Fonz... ABC's just

gonna have to give me what I want.

(a sarcastic FONZIE

IMPRESSION)

Heyyyyyy!

George winces. He stares at the list.

INT. ABC CONFERENCE ROOM - LA - DAY

George sits across a conference table from three NETWORK

SUITS. He stoically reads the men his demands.

GEORGE:

Mr. Kaufman will only appear in half

the episodes.

(beat)

Mr. Kaufman requires an undisturbed

90 minutes of meditation prior to

filming.

(beat)

Mr. Kaufman won't rehearse.

(beat)

Mr. Kaufman gets his own network

Special.

The execs are stupefied. Finally -- George delivers the

clincher.

GEORGE (cont'd)

And Taxi must guarantee two guest

appearances to... Tony Clifton.

NETWORK GUYS:

WHO???

GEORGE:

Tony Clifton.

NETWORK GUY #1

Who is he?!

GEORGE:

(solemn)

I don't know.

Long pause. The execs stare at George like he's lost his

mind.

GEORGE (cont'd)

But Andy says he's fabulous.

(awkward)

He also says, these are the terms.

The execs' leader, MAYNARD SMITH, shudders hopelessly.

NETWORK GUY #2

Couldn't Kaufman ask for more money,

like everyone else?

George slowly, sadly shakes his head: No.

Maynard glances at his team -- then frowns.

MAYNARD (cont'd)

George, we don't book phantom

performers. The deal's off.

INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY

GEORGE throws his attaché case on the desk, then slumps into

his chair. He picks up the phone and dials.

GEORGE:

Andy?

ANDY (O.S.)

Hi George!

GEORGE:

Eh, hi, Andy. Look, this Tony

Clifton... is he performing

anywhere?

ANDY (O.S.)

Of course.

(beat)

But only on Monday nights.

GEORGE:

That's alright. Where...?

INT. MAMA ROMA'S - NIGHT

Mama Roma's, a dark Italian restaurant with red booths, wise

guys, and cigarette smoke.

The Maitre'd guides George to a booth. A small BAND fills

the "stage" -- a six-foot space in the back of the room.

The lights dim. A BLARING ANNOUNCER speaks.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

And now, Mama Roma's is proud to

present International Singing

Sensation... a man who has sold more

records than Elvis and the Beatles

combined...

George is skeptical.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd)

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr.

Entertainment... TONY CLIFTON!

The DRUMMER starts a drum roll. Patrons APPLAUD. A LIGHT

SPOT hits the entrance area... and nobody enters. The spot

is waiting... waiting... still waiting... until the drum

roll slows down and stops. The announcer BOOMS again.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (cont'd)

Ladies and Gentlemen, out of respect

for Mr. Clifton's vocal demands,

could everyone please extinguish

your cigarettes and cigars.

The crowd GRUMBLES angrily -- then irritably complies. One

ANGRY GUY thrusts his cigar into a water glass.

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