Man on the Moon Page #3

GEORGE:

Caspiar? I haven't heard of that.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

It's a veddy small island in de

Caspian Sea.

(beat)

It sunk.

GEORGE:

Oh. Hm. I'm uh, sorry.

(beat)

Well, look, I'm probably out of my

mind -- but I think you're very

interesting. If you ever need

representation... we should talk.

George hands him a BUSINESS CARD. Andy reads it -- then his

eyes pop. He DROPS the accent.

ANDY:

Mr. Shapiro, it's an honor!!

George realizes it's all been an act. He laughs heartily.

GEORGE:

Caspiar, huh?!

CUT TO:

INT. SOHO HEALTH FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT

A Bohemian health food restaurant, staffed by hippie

waitresses in sandals. Andy and George sit together, trying

to get a sense of each other.

ANDY:

You see, I want to be the biggest

star in the world.

George is surprised at this hubris.

GEORGE:

People love... comedians.

ANDY:

I'm not a comedian. I have no

talent.

(he shrugs)

I'm a song-and-dance man.

George looks up at Andy -- and inexplicably there is a giant

MOIST BOOGER hanging from Andy's nostril.

George cringes. He doesn't know what to say.

A waitress brings over two plates of awful 70's HEALTH FOOD

-- seaweed, beans, stringy paste. George frowns. Andy

beams.

ANDY (cont'd)

Mmm! I particularly recommend the

Lotus root.

Andy pulls out a little Handi-wipe and cleanses his hands.

Then he starts arranging the food in compulsive little

piles:
Beans in pinwheel shapes. Sprouts in piles.

George peers at the bizarre food behavior.

GEORGE:

You show a lot of promise... but...

my concern is I don't know where to

book you. You're not a stand-up...

your act doesn't exactly translate

to films... help me... where do you

see yourself?

ANDY:

(bright)

I've always wanted to play Carnegie

Hall.

George is unsure if that's a joke.

GEORGE:

Yeah, ha-ha. That's funny.

Andy dips his silverware in the water glass. Two dunks,

then he dries it with his napkin.

George stares, perplexed. He looks back up -- and Andy's

booger has suddenly switched nostrils.

Huh?

ANDY:

See, I don't want easy laughs.

Andy's about to eat -- but first bows his head in silent

prayer. George raises an eyebrow. Andy snaps his head back

up.

ANDY (cont'd)

I want gut reactions! I want that

audience to go through an

experience. They love me! They

hate me! They walk out -- it's all

GREAT!

Andy triumphantly eats a bean. George peers, unable to take

the booger anymore. He hands Andy a napkin and points to

his nose. Andy nods, removes the rubber booger, and

carefully puts it in a little box.

ANDY (cont'd)

After I'm famous, I can sell these

as "Worn by Andy Kaufman."

And at that... George is won over. He smiles broadly.

GEORGE:

You're insane.

(then sincere)

But -- you might also be brilliant.

Alright, Andy... let's do it.

George warmly extends his hand.

Andy slowly smiles, then takes George's hand. The men

shake. A moment of supreme importance.

EST. BEVERLY HILLS - DAY

The glitz strip of Los Angeles. Money. Beauty.

INT. SHAPIRO/WEST - DAY

Real working showbiz offices. No glamour at all. It looks

more like an insurance agency.

George sits in his office, reassuring someone on the phone.

GEORGE:

Sammy, opening for David Brenner is

a fine gig. You'll be on the

road... get some exposure...

O.S., a SECRETARY shouts out.

SECRETARY (O.S.)

Tony Clifton on the phone!

GEORGE:

Who?

SECRETARY (O.S.)

He says he's an associate of Andy

Kaufman's.

GEORGE:

Oh.

(back to the phone)

Sammy, think about it. I gotta go.

(he punches a line)

Hello? George Shapiro here.

On the phone, a STACCATO, ABRASIVE NASAL VOICE blares.

TONY CLIFTON (V.O.)

Uh, yeah. Is this GEORGE SHAPIRO?

GEORGE:

(beat)

Er, yes. Speaking.

TONY CLIFTON (V.O.)

"Speaking"! Reeking, seeking,

creaking... Freaking!

George is baffled.

GEORGE:

Can I help you with something?

TONY CLIFTON (V.O.)

Yeah! You stay away from that Andy

Kaufman, if you know what's good for

you!

GEORGE:

(stunned)

Who is this?

TONY CLIFTON (V.O.)

You -- you know damn straight who it

is. Tony Clifton! A name to

respect. A name to fear.

(beat)

Beer. Gear. Deer. Ear.

GEORGE:

Look... I don't know what your

problem is...

TONY CLIFTON (V.O.)

Kaufman's a lying bastard! If you

sign him, I'll RUIN YOU!

CLICK. Clifton hangs up. George is bewildered.

INT. MEDITATION INSTITUTE UNIVERSITY, CLASSROOM - DAY

The light is magical. Soothing SITAR music plays. Andy and

fifteen other BAREFOOT STUDENTS sit on mats in a semi-

circle. Eyes shut, bodies in different yoga positions, they

are all meditating.

Facing them on a throne-like chair sits a reverent, Indian

YOGI. At his feet is the class teacher, LITTLE WENDY, a

teeny lady with an absurdly high-pitched voice.

LITTLE WENDY:

Now, while continuing your deep

breathing, slowly open your eyes.

You should feel rested, relaxed, and

alert.

The students all open their eyes.

YOGI:

Do any thoughts come...?

STUDENT #1

My mind is clear. I feel great.

YOGI:

Good...

STUDENT #2

All the tension is gone from my

body.

The Yogi's eyes go to Andy. Andy smiles sweetly.

ANDY:

I want to thank you, your Holiness.

My heart is radiating with pure

energy.

The Yogi nods kindly.

YOGI:

You always had a good heart. But

I'm proud of the progress you've

made in your discipline.

ANDY:

Yes. TM got me focused. In fact,

my manager got me a TV gig! It's

just some new show with no budget,

but I'm still excited.

Oh. The Yogi peers intently.

YOGI:

Are you at peace with your family?

ANDY:

Um, yes. I haven't fought with

them, since I started here.

YOGI:

Goals are important.

ANDY:

I stopped drinking. I gave up

drugs. And I'm meditating three

hours a day. It's the center of my

life...

YOGI:

We are all impressed.

Andy smiles beatifically. This means a lot.

LITTLE WENDY:

Okay. Anyone else --?

ANDY:

Oh, wait! I have a question.

(beat; working up

his nerve)

Is there... is there a secret to

being funny?

Huh? The Yogi thinks hard... squinching up his face.

Then... he finally speaks.

YOGI:

Yes. Silence.

CUT TO:

INT. SNL SET - NIGHT

An AUDIENCE sits, waiting for the commercial to end.

TECHIES tweak lights. CAMERAMEN get ready.

Sitting in VIP seats are Andy's FAMILY. Stanley and Janice

are in their late 50's, Michael and Carol in their 20's.

They're all anxious.

CAROL:

I still can't believe my brother's

gonna be on TV...!

JANICE:

I hope he doesn't get nervous.

STANLEY:

What's the difference? This thing's

on in the middle of the night -- no

one's even gonna see it.

The commercial ends, and the "APPLAUSE" sign blinks. The

crowd APPLAUDS. An "ON THE AIR" sign lights up.

HOST:

Welcome back to Saturday Night Live!

And now, as a special treat on our

first show... musical guest ANDY

KAUFMAN!!!

The SNL orchestra starts the intro into a song. Andy enters

the stage with a boom box, and positions himself in front of

the microphone. When the vocals are supposed to start, Andy

doesn't open his mouth. Instead he looks around --

frightened. The band stops... and starts again. Andy

remains mute. The Band stops again.

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