Man on the Moon Page #2

The manager is dumbfounded. He doesn't know what to do.

Tears are rolling pitifully down Andy's cheeks. The manager

is confused -- totally disoriented. Shamed, Andy covers his

face, then runs out. Silence. The manager stares after

him... having no idea what just happened.

EXT. NY NIGHTCLUB - 1975 - NIGHT

Sobbing Andy bursts out the door. He steps onto the

sidewalk -- and IMMEDIATELY STOPS CRYING. Just like that.

Andy lifts his big case and starts walking. Andy shakes his

head angrily.

He turns down a dark street, hurrying alone through an

unsavory New York neighborhood. But then... TWO MEN

appear... silently approaching. Andy stops uncertainly --

debating whether to turn around. But in that second -- the

thugs are upon him, glaring menacingly.

THUG #1

Give us your wallet.

Andy stares fearfully. An anxious moment. He thinks...

considering his options.

Then, he suddenly stammers in a thick FOREIGN ACCENT.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

I -- doo not unterstand!!

THUG #1

Give us your money!

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

What?? What mooney? Abu daboo! I

do not have mooney!

The thugs glance at each other.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)

Pleaze! I just move to America

yezterday! I do not know!

THUG #1

What's in the case?

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

NO! Eeet, eet is just perzonal

trifles from my homeland --

THUG #2

Shut up! Gimme that thing!

The guy snatches the case. He impulsively BREAKS the

lock... and clothes, congas and records fall out.

The thugs are dismayed.

THUG #1

Goddamn immigrants!

THUG #2

This guy's pathetic. Let's go.

Harsh glances. They angrily turn and leave.

Andy takes a nervous breath, then starts picking his things

off the street. He shouts after the guys:

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

Tank you veddy much...!

CUT TO:

EXT. NY IMPROV - 1975 - NIGHT

The Improv, the biggest comedy club around. People are

lined up, waiting. The man strides up -- GEORGE SHAPIRO, a

Hollywood talent manager. George is old school: Bronx

accent, shmooze and a hug... but with a surprising sweetness

that is quite disarming. A DOORMAN sees him, grins, and

waves George in.

INT. NY IMPROV, BAR - 1975 - NIGHT

The bar is packed with COMICS and SHOW BIZ TYPES. A few

turn and smile -- "George!" "Hey, George!" George takes a

couple hands, whispers to someone else, then drifts into

the...

INT. NY IMPROV, SHOWROOM - 1975 - NIGHT

Where the show's in progress. Owner BUDD FRIEDMAN sees

George and gives him a bear-hug. Then he hustles George to

a table.

George sits -- and gives the stage his undivided attention.

Up there is a WISEASS COMIC.

WISEASS COMIC:

So I'm getting my mother-in-law a

special Christmas present: A pre-

paid funeral! The mortician asked

me if I wanted her buried, embalmed

or cremated. I said, "Make it all

three! I'm not takin' any chances!"

(the crowd LAUGHS)

Thank you. Good night!

The comic waves and exits. APPLAUSE. George politely

claps. A PIANO PLAYER jumps in with an upbeat show tune.

We think there's a break... when Andy suddenly, awkwardly

steps on stage. He is in character as Foreign Man. Pink

jacket, tie, hair slicked back, frightened like a deer in

headlights. He puts down his big case, pulls out various

junk, and arranges it on chairs.

The room hushes, uncertain as to who the hell this guy is.

Andy tentatively grabs the mike. The stagefright is agony.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

Now? Now...?

(looking around)

Tank you veddy much. I am very

happy to be here. I tink -- this is

a very beautiful place. But one

ting I do not like is too much

traffic. Tonight I had to come

from, eh, and the freeway, it was so

much traffic. It took me an hour

and a half to get here!

Andy chuckles, as if this were a punchline.

Silence. The crowd is baffled.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)

But -- talking about the terrible

things:
My wife. Take my wife,

please take her.

Yikes. A few NERVOUS LAUGHS.

Andy gestures, as if they got the joke.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)

No really, I am only foolink. I

love my wife very much. But she

don't know how to cook. You know,

one time, she make a steak and

mashed potato. Ehh, and the night

before, she make spaghetti and

meatballs. Her cooking is so bad...

is terrible.

People are embarrassed. Some avert their eyes. A couple

hipsters laugh mockingly.

George leans forward. Andy wipes the sweat from his brow.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)

Right now, I would like to do for

you some imitations. So first, I

would like to imitate Archie Bunker.

(no change in his

voice)

"You stupid, everybody ees stupid!

Ehh, get, get out of my chair

Meathead... go in the, eh, Dingbat

get into the kitchen, making the

food! Ehh, everybody ees stupid! I

don't like nobody, ees so stupid!"

Tank you veddy much.

(pleased, he proudly

bows)

Now I would like to imitate Jimmy

Carter, the President of the United

States.

(no change in his

voice)

"Hello, I am Jimmy Carter, the

President of the United States."

Some people BOO and walk out. A few giggle, getting into

the groove.

George is intrigued.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN) (cont'd)

And now... I would like to imitate

the Elvis Presley.

A woman LAUGHS caustically. Andy grins stupidly, then turns

his back to us. He presses "Play" on a CASSETTE RECORDER...

and the THEME FROM 2001 starts playing.

House lights dim dramatically. With a flourish, Andy pulls

tape off his pants -- revealing rhinestones. He removes his

pink coat -- putting on a white jeweled jacket.

He combs his hair.

Then he brushes his hair.

Then he combs his hair some more.

Finally he picks up a guitar, strikes a pose -- and spins

around.

He is ELVIS. CONFIDENT. SEXY. LIP CURL. DEAD-ON PERFECT.

The crowd is blown away.

Vegas Elvis INTRO MUSIC suddenly blasts. Andy/Elvis

swaggers stage left and takes a bow. Then he goes stage

right and takes a bow. Then he returns stage left for

another bow.

Music STOPS.

ANDY (AS ELVIS)

Thank you very much.

Wow. Flabbergasted, people APPLAUD. This man is Elvis.

Suddenly -- "JAILHOUSE ROCK" guitar kicks in.

ANDY (AS ELVIS) (cont'd)

(SINGING)

"Warden threw a party

In the county jail!

Prison band was there

And they BEGAN to WAIL!"

ANGLE - GEORGE

He is astonished. George cannot quite figure out what's

going on... but he wants in.

He waves Budd over. Budd leans down, and George WHISPERS.

GEORGE:

Pst. What's the story with this

guy?

BUDD:

I think he's Lithuanian. None of us

can understand him.

George nods admiringly.

GEORGE:

He does a hell of an Elvis.

CUT TO:

INT. NY IMPROV, BACKSTAGE - 1975 - LATER THAT NIGHT

Andy is packing up his things. He very methodically folds

each item of clothing, then checks the creases.

George strolls up.

GEORGE:

Hey, I really enjoyed your set.

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

Tank you veddy much.

GEORGE:

So I understand you're from

Lithuania?

ANDY (AS FOREIGN MAN)

No. Caspiar.

George is puzzled.

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