Man Up Page #2

A reminder to all passengers

that due to engineering work

no trains are currently stopping

at Clapham Junction.

- About seven hours.

- What the f***?!

- I'm joking.

- Not funny.

- I can't do this on my own.

- Hello.

And don't forget the chocolate mousse.

Mum's obsessed.

And you've done your speech?

I've got a rough draft.

You haven't. You've done

a lot of doodles and crossing out.

- I mean, as if.

- Come on.

You know Dad loves it

when you do a speech.

So it needs to be good and special.

OK?

Fine.

- Oh, and Nancy?

- Yeah?

Don't seal up just yet.

It'll happen. I promise.

Yeah, yeah. F*** off.

Oh.

Black...

...pant...

...wash.

Sorry.

I couldn't help overhearing.

You should really think about

reading this.

Right. Right, right, right, right.

- Did it, then?

- Did it what?

- Change your life.

- Oh, erm...

- Maybe. Yeah.

- But maybe not as well?

Well, I like to give everything a go,

because otherwise what's the point?

You've got to hope it's going to work.

Because what is life without hope?

- Death.

- Death it is, then.

You see, you do need to read it.

I would lend you my copy

but I need it for my date.

- Why do you need a book for a date?

- It's how we'll recognise each other.

Oh, it's a setup? They always work.

They often work if the matchmaker

has done their homework.

All successful relationships are based

on whether you're both outdoorsy...

- Read it.

- Don't need to.

- It was a best seller.

- So was The Da Vinci Code.

- Another excellent book.

- Not an excellent book.

- I think it's what you need.

- Why does everyone tell me that?

If they're always telling you,

you should listen.

I think you need to shh.

You need to shh your mouth.

- You want me to shh?

- I do, yeah. It would be great.

- I'm only suggest...

- It's time.

I think... I think we're done.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are now arriving at our final

destination, London Waterloo.

- Sorry. Excuse me.

- I say.

Ow. Sh*t.

What?

- Excuse me, please.

- What?!

- There you go.

- Cheers.

- Where the f*** are you?

- Blimey, I'm not that late, am I?

Somebody threw themselves

on the track again.

I don't blame them,

there's so many delays.

Hey, what a great way for us to

recognise each other. What a great idea.

Although I think it would have been hard

to miss you under that huge clock.

No, no, no...

What do we do in terms of saying hello?

I never know where to pitch it.

Is it a handshake? Is it a hug?

Is it formal?

You know what, we're adults.

Let's just go in... Too soon for that?

Hello, there.

Oh, my God, that's not your

emergency exit phone call already?

I haven't had a chance

to use any of my best lines yet.

That wasn't one of them,

if you were worried.

Listen, I'll handle this, madam.

Hello, caller. Yes, we have met.

I am not a complete psychopath

and we've really hit it off.

She will call you later

with all the gory details.

So thank you for calling and goodbye.

There, done.

Alright! So, book, check.

And clock, check.

And blind date. Check!

Usually in this situation I would say

something and you'd say something back.

And then we'd talk about what we're

gonna do and exchange ideas.

You know, sort of

"quid pro quo, Clarice".

In hindsight, that wasn't the best

impression to do on a first date

because it... it brings to mind...

Anyway, I'm talking a lot

and I know you can sense it.

So I'm gonna just keep going

and I'm gonna start the bidding

with a drink on London's

fashionable South Bank.

So, as the book says,

what are you waiting for?

I am waiting for you.

- Good. Good.

- Yeah.

OK. Shall we...? After you, my lady.

I'm not a knight.

Yeah, let's do it.

We'll go out this way...

What do you think?

Good stuff for the first few hours?

Descending in quality as we do.

I'd go quality and quantity, Bert.

It's a massive night.

You're right. We bloody deserve it.

Let's go mental.

Seriously, you do deserve it.

I don't know how you've done it.

Not that I don't intend to go

the whole distance myself, obviously.

I think the trick is, get through

the first 30, 40 years,

then just kind of give up.

From that point on it's a breeze.

- No, I mean it.

- How are we getting on?

- We are nailing it.

- That's great.

You can put about

half those lagers back, Adam.

What does Nancy want to drink?

- I'm not sure if...

- She wants vodka.

The only spirit she can out-drink me on.

We'll see about that later.

No, we won't.

Guys, she didn't even answer the phone.

Some man did. I think she's on a date.

The man from last night?

I thought that didn't work out.

It didn't. It was a disaster.

- He was in love with his sister.

- Who answered the phone, then?

Dad, I don't know.

He said he wasn't a psychopath.

Well, that sounds encouraging.

We're having a party. She's on a date.

I'm thinking she's gonna bring him.

- Bert!

- If he's not a psychopath.

Did he sound like a wine drinker

or more of a beer man?

Bert!

- I'm just getting some more wine.

- Course you are.

The good host is prepared

for all eventualities.

Come on, Pattersons, clock's ticking.

Fran, you walk straight past that offer.

So, what's going on? Is Nancy OK?

Yes. Yes, Mum, she's fine. She's just...

- He's looking forward to her speech.

- I know.

- So she is coming?

- Yes, of course she's coming.

Look, do you want me to write

a few words? You know, just in case.

Not really, darling, no.

Oh, God. That is horrible.

I'm sorry.

- I'll give her a call, then.

- Yes, please do, darling.

Ah...

- You OK? You seem a bit freaked out.

- Do I?

Yeah.

Gosh. Sorry, just bit of

a first-date no-no...

Oh, my God, that's embarrassing.

- Oh, it's Tom.

- Oh.

Hey, buddy.

Yeah, I'm here. I'm with Jessica.

Yeah, we're on the South Bank.

Yeah, d'you wanna speak to her?

Alright.

We will.

Yeah. OK, Tom.

Yeah, I'm gonna hang up now.

Yeah, OK. Bye. Bye.

- He thought we hadn't met up.

- As if.

- Shall we switch these things off?

- Yeah. OK, good.

Right. So, Jessica.

So...

- Tom says that you work in the City.

- I do, yeah. That's what I do.

- Is that a stressful job?

- Ah, no.

"Lunch is for wimps."

Sorry.

- No, no, it's from Wall Street.

- Yeah.

"If you need a friend, get a dog."

I love that movie.

- You do?

- Yeah, it's one of my favourites.

- And you are a...?

- I'm an online marketing manager.

I love online marketing managing.

What I really wanna do is paint.

I don't wanna be an online

marketing manager forever

because, you know,

the bots are taking over!

They're gonna be managing

all the marketing in the future.

- It's like "help".

- Exactly, yeah. Erm...

- I'm a bit nervous, to be honest.

- Really?

Yeah. A little bit. Just a little bit.

I'm not used to all this dating chat.

Although, you know, I had a few

reservations about today,

but I just thought,

"You know what, Jack? I trust Tom."

He's not gonna set me up with somebody

who I've nothing in common with.

- And he's a good friend, right?

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