Man Up Page #3

- Who, Tom?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I'd take a bullet for him.

Yeah. So, shall we

get a beer or something?

- There's one of those pop-up bars.

- Sure, that'll be great.

They appear out of nowhere,

then they're gone the next day.

This can't be our favourite place

because it'll be gone in the morning.

- Can we get two Red Stripes?

- That'd be great.

- So...

- So...

Where are you on the old, you know,

the relationship...

the spectrum of relationships?

- It's my mime for relationships.

- That's good. Right.

Well, I guess long-term-wise it's...

It's been a while.

- Since Pete, right?

- Since Pete.

Tom told me. Massive cock.

- Really?

- Huge.

- It wasn't that big...

- What he did to you.

- ...a deal.

- Unforgivable.

I know how it feels.

I had it done to me, you know.

- Affairs, eh? Who'd have them?

- Yeah...

- They would.

- They would.

The other people would.

So where are you on the... spectrum?

On the spectrum? I think recently,

I've had a few one-night stands.

You know, just girls I've met at work

and in bars and just, like,

on the street.

But this is my first real date really

since the D-word.

- Dead sister?

- Sorry?

Just something I say before I drink.

Dead sister.

Dead sister.

But I'm not gonna let a failed marriage

put me off relationships for good.

Divorce.

You be thankful that

you and Pete didn't get hitched.

It gets a lot more complicated when you

have to figure out who gets the flat.

Winner.

- I did.

- Yeah.

I got big home-improvement plans.

I'm gonna do up our... my flat.

Paint the hallways, bleach the sheets.

Anyway, let's not talk about that.

It's just bad juju.

- And I'm so over it.

- You really sound it.

It's in the past. What does it say

in Six Billion People and You?

- F... F*** the past.

- F*** the past, yeah.

If that book has taught me anything,

it's taught me that.

So, Tom says you're a triathlete.

- Hm-hmm.

- Do you have to train a lot for that?

Yeah, I've just got

to regularly carb up.

Ah! Yeah, yeah.

Go on then. I don't mind.

I've actually worked out today...

I work out every day.

I like to keep fit. I pump iron, sure.

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

This is nice, isn't it? I don't envy

any of my friends with kids.

Are they here now? Hell, no.

They're at home lying in wait

for the next nappy change.

Not that I don't want kids.

I'm 40. They're not gonna be swimming

in the right direction forever.

But just not right now. I should

probably get a girlfriend first.

I definitely want kids. I'm just not

freaking out about it yet.

I mean, why would you? You're 24.

D'you wanna get out of here?

It is f***ing freezing

and I know a really fun place

just over the river.

We can get shots and maybe hang out

a bit more if you feel like it.

- Yeah, I'd love that.

- OK.

- This is gonna be fun.

- Yeah. What is it?

It's like a cantina.

It's a bit cheesy

but you can have slammers and...

Oh, wow. Arriba!

- Hey, man.

- How's it going?

- Are you a regular here?

- Well, define "regular". What is it?

- Hi, Jack.

- Hey, Helen, how's it going?

Oh, so you...

Ah! Snap.

- We're swapping, right?

- Swapping?

For the genius Six Billion Ways to get

to know you list that you suggested.

Is that your one?

Mine's at the front. OK...

Hm...

Let's have a look, shall we?

OK, then.

Shall I read yours first?

"Put yourself out there."

"Take chances."

- "Black pant wash."

- It's a band.

- Are they new?

- Yeah, they're new.

They're... They're fresh. Very young.

They're my favourite band.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Yeah, they're very, er, funky.

"Get stronger thighs."

Hey, this is spooky.

I also love spaghetti bolognese.

What are the chances of that?

- Like none chances.

- I know. That's the lists done.

- Yeah!

- And didn't they go well?

- Really great.

- That was...

- Look, let me get this.

- No, I should get it.

- Please, let me.

- OK. I'll get the next ones.

- Oh, my God. Who are they?

- Who, what?

- These guys.

- Oh, this is Slash and Axl.

Oh.

Paradise Kitties.

- I blew it, sorry. That was no good.

- Er...

Jack. I've got a confession to make

and I'm just gonna...

- So have I.

- ...come out with it. You have?

- I have, yeah. Let me go first. I...

- OK.

I've never heard of Black Pant Wash.

I'm sorry. I wanna be honest with you,

because honesty is very important...

Yes, I agree.

These lists are great

and they're a brilliant ice-breaker,

but you don't really believe that

just because we both like spag bol,

we're gonna wind up together

forever, right?

- Depends on the spag bol.

- Might be a really good spag bol.

But right now, whatever happens tonight,

wherever we end up,

I'm having a really good time

getting to know you.

And you're being really patient with me,

so thank you for that.

And I don't know why I brought you here.

It was a stupid idea

and I think we should...

Let's do something different.

Let's go someplace else.

- Tom said you liked bowling.

- I love bowling.

OK, so shall we have a couple more

and then hit the lanes?

OK.

Well, you can live any way you want

But you're sure gonna find out soon

When profession ain't what you got

Soon be singing another tune, hey!

Shoot first

Ask questions later

Shoot first

Ask questions later

It don't matter who you are

What you got or looking for

You better get yourself

out of the dark

Shoot first

Ask questions later

Who said blind dates don't work?

Right? Am I right? Yeah.

- I'm gonna go get us a drink.

- OK.

- Nancy?

- Yeah?

It's Nancy Patterson.

- Do we know each other?

- Sean. Sean Bellamy.

Class 5G, Saint Andrew's Comprehensive.

'88 to '93.

I sat next to you in chemistry

for five years.

I gave you that Valentine's card

in Year 9.

You tore it up in front of everyone.

- Your mum ran me over that time.

- Oh, God. Yes, I do remember.

Shh.

- Erm, sorry about that.

- Oh, God, don't worry.

Glued it back together.

It was only about 57 pieces.

I meant about the car.

- But you were so...

- Fat. Yes.

- Yeah.

- That was me, big fat Sean.

Lord of the Pies. Emperor Boom-Boom.

- Now you're very...

- Yeah, I went on the 5:2 diet.

Five days on chocolate Nesquik.

And two days strawberry Nesquik.

- Oh, OK.

- I lost it all from here and from here.

But luckily not from here.

- Could I just have two beers, please?

- Hell, yeah.

- It's Nancy f***ing Patterson.

- Shush.

Wow!

- Hey...

- Hey.

- These are on me.

- OK.

So good to see you.

Thank you.

OK, cheers.

- Ah. Flirting with the barman, I see.

- What? No.

- Not at all, no.

- I was, like, "Whoa, competition."

No, I wasn't. I'm the least jealous

person you'll meet.

Oh, God, me, too, yeah.

So,

let's ramp this up a bit.

Not that I'm competitive.

Nancy.

Brought you some nachos. On the house.

- I've got a wheat allergy...

- No, you don't.

You remember this?

- What is it? Where'd you get that?

- In my wallet.

- Who took it?

- I did.

I don't remember you ever

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