Man Up Page #4

being in my bedroom.

I wasn't in your bedroom, silly.

I was outside. In a tree.

- Jessica, watch and weep.

- OK.

Why is he calling you Jessica?

You're called Nancy.

- You're Nancy Patterson.

- I'm in a bit of a situation here.

Oh, you still use Pantene Pro-V.

That guy is not my boyfriend.

He's actually not even my date.

I sort of stole him from

underneath the clock at Waterloo

and I'm pretending to be the girl

he's supposed to be on a date with.

- So it's a bit... I don't know.

- Kinky.

Hey, there.

- How's it going? I'm Jack.

- And I am Sean.

- He's Sean.

- There it is.

- So you guys know each other?

- We just went to school together.

- Yeah, we're old friends.

- We're old, old friends.

We used to have a bit of a thing

going on.

- Good for you.

- It was.

It really wasn't that good.

You never forget your first.

Lovely to see you

after all these years.

- We'll take it from here.

- Hang on, Jessica.

Hey. What are you doing?

It would appear that I finally have you

over a barrel, Nancy Patterson.

Indeed, you are clearly not the girl

you used to be once.

Cool and confident. Now, stealing other

women's dates from under clocks.

You're working as a barman

in a novelty bowling alley so...

- Just as Mr. Armstrong predicted.

- Who's that?

Our careers advisor at Saint Andrew's.

Do you not remember anything?

- No.

- Because I remember everything. Nancy!

Sean, I'm out bowling with a man who...

might actually have some potential

and not in just that

he's a really good bowler-type way.

So don't ruin it for me. Just be cool.

- OK, I will.

- Yeah?

- Uh-huh. If you give me a blow job.

- You what?

- Take it or leave it.

- Are you out of your f***ing mind?

Come on, wouldn't hurt.

Just a tiny little blow job.

And then I won't dismantle your

web of deceit, Little Miss... Muffet.

- Not gonna give you a blow job, so...

- Hand job? Pearl necklace?

- Kiss? Please. Come on.

- Stop. Stop it. Stop it.

I just want to fulfil

a lifelong ambition.

OK, OK. I'll do one kiss. OK?

- With tongues?

- No tongues.

- Oh! But in the toilets.

- Yeah, in the toilets.

And it has to be tonight.

Otherwise I won't find you again

because you have no online presence.

- Can I go now?

- Yes.

- But I'll be watching you.

- I don't doubt that.

Oh, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

It's fine, they're fine.

Everyone'll just get drunk

and shove them down.

- They will.

- Yeah?

Look.

- Ooh, blimey, they're hot.

- Any word from Nancy?

Not... Not exactly.

Oh, no. No, no.

But in her defence, she does have

a very good reason for her tardiness.

And she's right, Fran.

And who knows, maybe today will end up

being not just our anniversary.

Imagine that, Mum.

Oh, my God,

who would you worry about then?

Oh, Bert, you've slobbed.

- What? Where?

- Christ. What is this now?

It's hummus.

Take it off. Off, off, off.

Guests.

- Go get 'em, parents.

- Bert, shift your arse.

I'm going!

Marion, you made it!

I feel... I just feel like...

I feel hustled.

Because I won?

Are you not used to that?

I'm not really used

to losing at bowling.

Oh, can't I keep them?

You think it's the first time

he's heard that?

They're cute. Well, maybe tonight.

Let's not forget this.

Keep you nice and warm.

- Are you saving that for later?

- What?

Got a bit jalapeo in your teeth.

You've just got a little bit of spinach

or something jammed in.

No, it's still there. It's...

Oh, my God. It's a good one.

OK. No, it's not, though, is it?

- No, it's still wedged in.

- I'm just gonna nip to the ladies.

I'll just stay here and I'll think about

what we can get up to next.

OK...

I'll just go in there and think about

what we can get up to next.

OK.

Nice.

What do you want to get up to next?

Because I know

what I wanna get up to next.

I saw you were about to leave

so I took my break early.

F***ing hell, Sean!

Leaving? I wasn't leav...

Er, bye.

Fine. I'll put my clothes back on

and have a word with Jack about Jessica.

So,

where do you wanna land

those luscious lips?

- We're gonna keep the door open.

- Now you're talking.

Right, let's just...

OK...

- Sean...

- Move closer

- Move your body real close

- I'd prefer you didn't sing that.

- Will you hold my face?

- Why?

It'll make it more romantic.

I don't think this could be

any more romantic.

No, we said no tongues.

We said no... Hey!

Jessica?

- Hey, man.

- Jack.

You'd been gone awhile

so I thought I'd come and find you.

- This is not what you think.

- I think I'm just gonna leave.

- No, wait. Please, let me explain.

- You don't have to.

I thought we had a connection

but you still have something for Sean.

I'm gonna leave you

to whatever f***ing weird sh*t...

Jack, Jack, Jack.

Just slide it on down to chills-ville.

Don't be so harsh on Nancy.

Who's Nancy?

Why is he calling you Nancy?

- Why?

- It was my other pet name for her.

- After Nancy Reagan.

- Nancy Sinatra.

- I'm gonna go.

- OK, wait, hang on.

Wait, Jack, let me just tell you

the truth because...

now is as good a time as any

just to confess.

Confess what?

The reason Sean called me Nancy

was because I'm not called Jessica

and the reason I'm not called Jessica

is because I'm not actually Jessica.

She's Nancy. She's Nancy Patterson.

Thank you, Sean. Can you put your

clothes back on and leave? Please.

- What about my kiss?

- Out. No. Jog on. Out!

Anyway, look, I was in here with him

because he said he wouldn't tell you

who I really was if I kissed him.

The truth is,

I'm not really your blind date.

You thought I was, what with the book,

the clock and the quid pro quo.

So you're not the girl

that I was supposed to meet earlier?

- No.

- What?!

I know! It sounds a bit mad.

But don't think of it as mad.

Think of it as impulsive.

What kind of person

stands underneath a clock

- waiting to steal someone's date?

- I wasn't waiting.

It's not stealing

in the conventional sense of the word.

That girl gave me her book

so that's why you thought I was her.

No, I thought you were her

because you said you were.

Did I actually say that?

When were you thinking of telling me

about this bizarre decision?

- There wasn't actually a plan.

- I'm sure there wasn't a plan.

Because who would have a plan

for something so f***ed up?

I think people have done

worse things in the world.

- I'm racking my brains.

- That girl wasn't even right for you.

We'll never know. I'll never meet her

because you stole her.

I was merely trying to meet my mate

in the modern world.

- Who are you?

- I'm Nancy Patterson. Hello.

- Are you even a triathlete?

- That's the next thing you ask?

- And where's Jessica?

- Probably gone home by now.

- Past her bedtime.

- Are you even 24?

- Aw. Add another ten.

- What?

- F*** you, Granddad.

- Not in six billion years.

- That was uncalled for.

- That was uncalled for?

- Yeah.

- Do you know what's uncalled for?

Derailing my date.

OK.

Laugh it up, girls. I am your future.

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