Man Up Page #5

Just so you know.

- 34!

- 40!

- I think you're overreacting a bit.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- How would you feel, Nancy,

if you'd been set up

with someone perfect for you

and some psycho

pretends to be them instead?

- Setups never work.

- Tom said we matched.

Please, she reads self-help books

and The Da Vinci Code.

She works in the City.

What does that even mean?

When people say that?

It means she is a high-flying

24-year-old businesswoman...

24. You love that word.

It's your favourite word.

Isn't that just the classic response

of the lonely 34-year-old woman

desperate for somewhere to put her eggs.

I'm nearly at my sexual peak.

It's all downhill for you.

Knock knock, who's there? Viagra!

The bitter look really suits you.

It doesn't surprise me

that Pete slept around.

Hang on a sec. Oh, oh, oh!

There is no Pete!

And there is no wife

because she left you.

Here's your theory. You think,

"I'm so wounded and rejected."

"Please, help me, younger woman,

who's nearly half my age."

This is coming from someone

who had to steal someone else's date

to even get one.

At least I'm not walking around

like I'm bloody catch of the century.

Look at me with my own flat

and my online marketing management job.

But what I really want to do is paint.

- I am gonna paint. OK?

- Sure you are.

Thank you very much, it was lovely

not getting to know you

and congratulations

on your massive pack of lies.

- Where's my bag?

- That was all there was on the ticket.

- Where's my bag?

- How should I know?

Why have I got your notepad?

Oh, f... Oh, my God,

we've left my bag at the cantina.

Your bag, not mine.

How many tequilas have you had?

- My divorce papers are in there.

- Ooh, sexy.

- I came from the lawyers, alright?

- Sexier.

Your divorce papers...

and my notepad with my speech!

What speech?

It's my folks' 40th wedding anniversary

tonight.

It just gets better. Not only do you

steal somebody else's blind date,

you stand up your parents on one of the

most important milestones of their life.

You really, really need to consider

your motivations for doing things

and not doing things.

- I'm gonna get my speech.

- Whatever. Taxi!

- What are you doing?

- Calling a cab so I can go to the bar.

- It's a ten-minute walk.

- No, it's 20 minutes.

- It's ten minutes!

- You seem awfully confident, Nancy.

- Because it's a fact, Jack.

- It's a fact.

Is it a fact?

Like the fact that you're a triathlete.

- Great.

- Here's a good idea.

Why don't you run, swim and cycle to the

bar and we'll see who gets there first?

- What?

- You don't know what a triathlon is.

- Yes, I do.

- You do, do you?

- Yeah.

- Well, ready, steady...

...go!

Get stronger thighs!

Come on, come on, come on!

- Bye.

- Twat! Sh*t!

What?

No.

Sh*t.

Excuse me. Why so many feathers?

Sh*t!

Hey. Sir. Kind person.

Come on, come on, come on.

Excuse me! Coming through.

Just go further up. It's on the left.

Mind your back!

In your 40-year-old face!

- I thought you weren't competitive.

- I thought you weren't competitive.

You alright?

It's a tactical puke.

- It better be in there.

- Of course it will.

- Hey, you want some more tequila?

- No!

- Is his man-bag here?

- It's a satchel, OK.

- I'm not used to carrying it.

- Alright, I'll go check.

- Where are you going?

- Toilet.

- You gonna meet somebody?

- No, so don't follow me.

I have no intention of doing that again.

F***!

Hi, you've called Elaine.

Leave a message

and I'll get back to you. Thanks.

Nice one, Nancy.

Really, really nice.

It's great stuff.

Hey, you know. New mantra.

Stop being such a loser.

How about that?

Er...

Yay.

- Do you even like bowling?

- I love bowling.

Great. So you weren't faking it

the whole night, then?

Bet you've said that line before.

Look...

Look, I realise

this is not my finest hour.

- Oh, you don't say?

- Yeah. I know.

In hindsight, agreeing to Sean's demands

was not the best decision

that I've made all evening.

- You could've just told me the truth.

- I know and I was going to,

I really was, but then...

..."Jessica" was doing so well.

One man-bag.

- Thank you.

- Cheers.

- What?

- Black Pant Wash.

Funky.

Idiot.

Idiot.

Jack?

What are you doing here?

I thought we agreed.

What are you doing here?

- Hello, Jack.

- F*** off, Ed.

I get this place between five and 10pm

on a Saturday.

Sorry, I thought it was a Sunday.

I think we all know that you know

that it's not on a Sunday.

Oh, how I miss that

pissy little diary of yours.

Do you still put an "M" in it

when it's moustache-dyeing week?

He didn't know. Hey, this is Nancy,

by the way. My girlfriend.

Nancy, this is Hilary,

my soon-to-be ex-wife,

and Ed, the man she left me for.

- Come on, Jack.

- Yeah, come on, silly me.

You know what? We're all in

the same bar with our new partners.

Let's have a drink together.

We're adults, aren't we?

We're mature, stable adults.

- Come on. Have you got a table?

- Yeah.

- Is it "our" table?

- Not any more.

Good! Even better. Lead the way.

- Oh, my God. What is happening?

- Just go with it, darling.

Just go with it, Edward.

Oh, my God. You knew they'd be here.

That's why you brought me here earlier.

That is why I brought "Jessica" here.

Then I came to my senses and we left.

- But then you left my bag here...

- You left your bag.

And then you came out of the toilets

looking like... Hmm...

I just thought people have done

worse things in the world

and you are very good at pretending

to be people that you're not.

And you owe me, Nancy.

Hm.

OK. What exactly

are you hoping to achieve?

I believe they call it "closure".

Missed a call from Nancy. She's not

even gonna make it for the speeches.

What the f*** do you think she's doing?

- What you always tell her to do.

- But not the greatest night to pick.

But she's being spontaneous.

Be spontaneous

when there's nothing else planned.

Don't you think this is a bit...

I'm gonna see what's happened

before I pass judgment.

Are you? Well, good for you.

Jesus, when has she ever done

anything like this before?

- Well, never, but...

- Pardon, what was that?

Never.

She's out there, somewhere,

doing you proud, meeting a man.

Having a lovely time.

Just like when we first met.

- We met in a pub.

- But it was a lovely romantic pub.

It was a Yates's Wine Lodge.

Do you remember the first thing

you ever said to me?

- "Vodka and tonic, please."

- And I said?

"Pint or a half?"

What is the worst-case scenario?

- We never see her again.

- Alright, second worst?

Aw.

- You hungry?

- No.

- Little snackette?

- No, don't need it.

So...

...how long have you two

been seeing each other?

- Not long.

- Not long at all.

How did you meet?

- At work.

- At a party.

- At a work party.

- At a party that worked.

So you're in online marketing, too?

No. I am a...

...firewoman. I'm a firewoman.

- There was a fire.

- At his work party.

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote