Man Up Page #7

She's getting on with her life

and I'm...

- ...I'm just holding on.

- OK.

A, I wouldn't say "happy", exactly.

And secondly, I mean,

you're not holding on to her.

You're holding on to a feeling

and that feeling will eventually pass.

Promise.

I mean, look, maybe I was wrong.

Maybe dating 24-year-olds

is exactly what you need right now.

- You've changed your tune.

- Well, unlike...

...the older lady,

they do have less baggage.

I mean, sh*t, I'm way over

my baggage allowance.

I'm four years single.

Four f***ing years.

Prior to that, I had six years

with the supposed love of my life,

when, out of the blue,

he ended it and then he...

He said he wanted to go to China

to find himself.

Then he found himself

shacked up in Shepherd's Bush

with some other girl six months later.

- I'm over it, obviously, but I just...

- Yeah, you really sound it.

Apart from one thing.

One thing that, honestly,

I'm not sure that I can ever get over.

What?

He...

He de-authorised me from his iTunes.

What? That is unforgivable.

It is. It is, actually.

So, what do you really do for a living?

I'm a journalist. Yeah.

Slash wannabe literary polymath.

- That figures. You got good theories.

- Oh, you like them now?

I wouldn't listen to me, though,

because I'm not exactly the poster child

for the dating industry.

Really? I'm 40, divorced

and crying in a toilet.

You're just...

You're an emotional jigsaw at the moment

but you're gonna piece yourself

back together.

You know, start with the corners.

Look for the blue bits.

And where do I find these "blue bits"?

Took me three years

to get over my ex.

Jungian therapy.

Two hours every day. Six weeks.

I burnt her clothes. Twice.

I'm not saying

that her porn star theory is correct.

But you did blow job paradox me?

Hey. Where did you two get to?

Probably 69-ing in the toilets,

no doubt.

Who's up for a shot?

Let's do some shots.

- I think I've had enough to drink.

- We're just gonna head off.

Nonsense. It's a seminal night

so we should mark it somehow.

Four sambucas, please.

You look like you've been crying.

- Actually, I was crying.

- With laughter.

Have you ever tried to do it

in a cubicle that small?

I think I left my knickers in there.

She does not need to know

the real reason for your tears.

Did you wanna

leave your knickers in there?

Focus, Jack.

Repeat after me.

"After this shot I will be stronger,

wiser and finally moving on."

After this shot I will be stronger,

wiser and finally moving on.

- F*** the past.

- F*** the past.

Sorry.

- Oh, my God.

- Do something!

You're a fireman,

put the f***ing fire out!

- Here. You take it.

- Jesus!

That is what I call closure.

I think that's the dictionary definition

right there.

Denial, depression, acceptance.

- Fire.

- Fire.

What?

Alright, what is next?

- OK, what's the time?

- It is ten o'clock.

Is it? Oh, sh*t.

I should check in at home, really.

Yeah, I'd better...

So, I think I'd better finally head

to my folks' anniversary party

but I was just...

This is a crazy idea

but I was just thinking,

- would you want to join...?

- Sorry.

Just because it might be nice to not

go alone for a change and if you...

Oh, my God, she has called

and texted, like, a lot.

- Who has?

- Jessica.

She said she spoke to Tom

and there's obviously been

some sort of misunderstanding

and she still wants to meet up.

Even though you stood her up?

Is she a loser?

Technically, you stood her up, actually.

She's young so she's not

a total cynic like you. Us. Yet.

Your 24-year-old obsession, isn't it?

You said I should keep it simple.

- When?

- Like, half an hour ago in the toilet.

So, what is your theory on this one?

- My theory?

- Yeah, I wanna hear it. What's the...

Is it "boy meets girl"

or "boy doesn't meet girl"?

I mean...

This is when you tell me what to do

and then we argue and then...

You know, it's a bit of back and forth

and eventually...

- Oh, wait.

- What for?

All night you've had

all these theories and opinions

and suddenly you've nothing to say?

What do you want? Do you want

my permission or something?

- No, not at all.

- Then I think you should meet Jessica.

- Yeah, but that's not...

- What are you waiting for, right?

What am I...? I don't know

what I'm waiting for.

Fine, I'll meet Jessica.

- OK. Great.

- OK.

- Are you meeting her here or...

- Yeah. Yes, there it is.

- OK.

- That's where the...

You can give her this back then.

- No, she bought another one.

- Course she did.

I haven't really read it, to be honest.

Maybe we should have.

So, erm...

- Is that everything?

- Yeah.

So sorry for derailing your date.

I'm glad you did, otherwise I'd have

nothing to talk about on the next one.

It is a good anecdote.

I'll probably use it in future myself.

So, well, look after yourself...

- It's what I do best.

- OK, and...

- Bye.

- Bye.

- I'll Facebook you.

- Not on Facebook.

- Idiot.

- Idiot.

Idiot.

Idiot.

What kind of nutter pretends to be

someone else's blind date?

I know. It's...

Although it does prove what a publishing

sensation Six Billion has been.

Yeah.

Let's just pretend the whole thing

never happened and we shall start again.

Cheers.

Sorry, I'm ever so thirsty.

I did a lot of walking today.

So, Jessica,

I hear you work in the City.

- Correct. And I love it.

- "Lunch is for wimps."

It's from Wall Street. From the film.

"If you need a friend, get a dog."

Oh, is that the one

with Leonardo DiCaprio?

Er, no.

Erm, so listen, Tom told me

that you are a triathlete.

Bert, are you ready? Yeah?

- Alright?

- Yep.

Attention!

Attention.

Attenzione.

Oi! Come on.

Adam, thank you.

Well, here we all are.

I had rather hoped that

our youngest daughter, Nancy,

would have been here to do the speech.

But, er, she's been a little delayed.

So it falls to myself...

...to find a few choice words.

But, I mean, seriously...

...what's left for us to say

to each other after 40 years?

Take the f***ing recycling out.

Still as foul-mouthed

as the day I met her.

And still as beautiful.

Ah!

And although I doubt that we have

another 40 years ahead of us...

Bloody hope not.

...or we will ever agree...

...that you can park on

a double yellow line on a Sunday...

- But you can, actually.

- Whose side are you on?

...or she will ever fully trust me

with the big weekly shop...

Not a hope in hell.

...but here's to spending...

...whatever years we have left

together.

Ah!

Franny,...

...I am an empty shell on the beach

without you.

Oh, that's good.

I am a laundry disaster

waiting to happen.

I am an old pear...

...left to soften in the fruit bowl.

Oh, here she is.

Nancy!

So sorry I'm late. But I remembered

the chocolate mousse.

Oh...

- What is it, darling? What is it?

- What's up?

- What's the matter?

- It's OK.

Oh...

Come on, tell us,

what's the matter, darling?

I got a lot of big

home-improvement plans.

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