Man Vs. Page #3

the rabbit with me here...

...at my shelter, I don't wanna

attract any animals...

...like our friend, Mr. Wolf out there.

So what I'm gonna do is

hang it from a high branch...

...out of reach of any large animals.

I didn't have any rope with me.

That's where a camera strap

comes in handy.

It's made of a tightly woven nylon,...

...and cut into thin strips, it

makes a terrific rabbit rope.

All right, so I've got

my homemade rope...

...with a stick tied on the end,...

...and I'll try and

get it over that branch...

...and hoist up Mr. Bunny.

Oh, almost.

One more time, hang on.

Yeah, oh, come on.

Oh, one more time, hang on.

Hang on, we almost got it.

Piece of sh*t!

And a three.

Ah ha.

First try.

Okay.

All right.

Piece of cake.

Now, an important and

often overlooked aspect...

...of survival is keeping

your mind active.

The isolation and loneliness

can drive many to lose hope.

As you know, I like to

play chess against myself.

Okay, where were we.

No idea what time it is.

I'm guessing it's

the middle of the night.

The sky just opened up.

But I am staying relatively dry.

So is some extra bit of

firewood that I've got.

I throw a little bit

on every so often...

...just to make sure that

the fire doesn't die.

I'm actually really happy

with this shelter.

And the fallen tree, and

the pine and spruce branches...

...as a roof, I'm gonna stay

relatively dry all night.

I'll check in with you guys

in the morning.

Oh!

Relatively dry my wet, cold ass.

Oh, I hate you guys so much right now...

...and your scientifically

designed waterproof tents.

What the f*** was that?

A little night vision here, Terry.

Hey, hey!

That sucked.

Yeah, between the rain and...

...the wolves?

Whatever the f*** that was.

I didn't sleep at all.

My back is killing me.

I'm wet, wet ass.

Shut up, geese!

Why the f*** did I sign up for this.

I hate this, I hate this

so much right now,...

...I don't have the words for it.

Get it together, get it together,

come on.

Got a show to do.

All right.

F***.

It's day three in the great

Canadian Shield.

My shelter served my great last night.

It shielded me from the rain

and the heavy winds.

On the breakfast menu

this morning, wild--

God dammit.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on!

F***ing lousy piece of sh*t!

Okay okay okay okay okay.

Okay, it couldn't have been the wolf.

That'd have to be one

crafty f***ing wolf.

So yesterday I got lucky,

nabbed me two delicious rabbits.

Let's see if I get as lucky today.

Well, it looks like I'm not

the only hunter in these woods.

Yeah, most likely a bear.

Or that wolf, came across

my track, slipped over the rock,...

...and just ate whatever I caught.

Let's see if we're any luckier

with the other traps.

This wolf's probably thinking,

it's my lucky day.

There's food under every rock.

Oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Maybe he felt sorry

for me and left me one...

...seeing as I did all the work.

What the hell?

You ever seen anything like that before.

Yeah, me neither.

Where's the phone?

What the f***?

Doug, you put the phone here.

God dammit.

I put it here.

Okay.

Okay, the phone's gone.

I'm losing my f***ing mind.

I put the f***ing phone on the bag.

I put it on the bag.

That's not how I left it.

Oh god, I must be losing my mind.

So, someone's clearly messing with me.

Rabbit, and then that scream at night.

And the traps.

Now the sat phone is gone and

the chess pieces have moved.

You know any wolves who can play chess?

There's someone clearly out here.

I got two more days.

That's it, I'm gonna make

my way around the lake...

...and then I'm gonna

come up the pickup point.

I swear to God, Terry.

I swear to God if this is you

and Bill and Angie,...

...if this is your way of

teaching me a lesson,...

...of f***ing with me, oh my God.

I will be really really really...

...f***ing pissed off at you guys.

Son of a b*tch, it's actually

a really good move.

F*** it can't be Terry.

Yeah, this guy's a good chess player,

I'll give him that.

Try and get out of that, son of a b*tch.

So, you'll have to

cut around this, Terry.

My spidey senses are screaming at me...

...to get the hell out of here.

I mean, crocodiles, snakes,

bears, bring 'em on.

But psycho mountain men?

I have no interest in tangling with.

I'm gonna ditch my fancy digs here,...

...I'm gonna move out onto the cliff,...

...I'll try and get some

footage for the show,...

...but, this is starting

to feel really messed up.

So, let's assume you've been

lost in the woods...

...for several days now,...

...and you're confident

that a rescue party...

...is out looking for you.

In that scenario,

you wouldn't wanna be...

...in the dense forest,

but out in the wide open...

...where you'd have a greater

chance of being seen.

This will serve as an ideal

spot for my next camp.

Just on top of the ridge

there is an open area...

...that's clearly visible

from the sky...

...as well as the surrounding lakes.

And this rock face will serve

as a good shelter...

...to shield me from

the wind and the rain.

Now we just have to

make it a little cozier.

Let's get to it.

Home sweet home.

Welcome to my new camp.

Let's go scrounge up some food...

...now that we've got our fire going.

See any fish down there?

Okay.

So here I am at the creek,...

...which is not only

my new water source,...

...this is also a great spot

for finding local food.

Small fish, crayfish, frogs,

anything buggy.

Recognize this?

So I'm not alone out here

I guess, I got a fan.

Oh, this is a great spot

for you guys to drop me.

And the mystery of the

missing cell phone is solved.

And buddy decided to take it apart.

Well, at least I know

I'm not going crazy.

This is starting to feel--

Jesus.

Are you seeing this?

What the f***?

I didn't set that up.

I didn't set that up.

Check.

Hey, a**hole!

I know you're out there!

Well, I like your f***ing chess moves!

F***er.

So I set a three camera

security perimeter.

A**hole sets one foot

in this camp, smile,...

...you're on f***ing camera.

Oh f*** me.

Oh f***.

Who's idea was northern Ontario?

Huh, Terry?

Why couldn't it have been

Bahamas or Santa Barbara?

Surviving Santa Barbara,

I'd watch that show.

I'm famished.

I haven't eaten anything today.

I'm gonna turn in early...

...and wake up and try

and find some food.

I'll try and make it

something gross for you, Bill.

Good night.

Someone was in my camp last night.

They tilted the f***ing cameras down.

Ah no no.

That's it, that's it, I'm done.

I'm done, I'm f***ing done, Terry.

This is bullshit.

Yeah, I can deal with the outdoors,

and the f***ing animals,...

...and the weather, but

I can't deal with a f***ing...

...psycho, chess playing

lumberjack, Terry.

I'm done, it's over.

You're gonna have

to cut this together...

...and make it look like

five days in post.

I'm gathering my f***ing equipment...

...and I'm f***ing getting

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