Manny Lewis Page #2

Hello?

This is my fantasy.

I don't lay in bed at night thinking,

'I'd love to have a back massage

over the phone.'

Well. Mm, I really upset you.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry I snapped at you.

I just feel like talking, really.

What do you want to talk about?

Um, back massages? Just kidding.

Whatever.

It's better than watching TV.

Thomas. Sounds like a Czech name.

Are you Czech?

I don't know.

I'm a bit of everything, really.

I'm a mongrel.

Mm, sounds strong.

Yeah.

I got big arms.

I've got a beard.

I'm really manly.

No, I'm not.

I'm bullshitting.

I'm 5'7", bald. I've got wing nuts.

What's a wing nut?

Wing nuts. You know when your ears

stick out like a wing nut?

Wing nut?

Yeah, that's what you call someone

with big ears... wing nuts.

Anyway, that's what I've got...

f***ing wing nuts.

You think it's funny that

somebody's got wing nuts, do you?

No! I think it's funny that

you call them 'wing nuts'.

Anyway, let's get off my wing nuts.

Let's talk about something else.

This is supposed to be

an erotic phone call, isn't it?

If you want it to be.

Do you want it to be?

Not really.

You're funny.

Yeah, well,

that's one thing I'm good at.

What, you're only good at one thing?

Probably.

I'm not good at anything else, really.

I mean, sometimes I feel like a loser.

Yeah? Why do you feel like that?

Ah, let me see... it's three in the

morning, I've got the curtains drawn.

I'm talking to someone I don't even

know, having an erotic phone call.

I mean... loser.

I'm kind of doing the same thing.

Yeah, but at least you're

getting paid for it.

Anyway...

it's late. Probably should go.

It's been nice talking to you though.

Caroline, was it?

Yeah. OK, Thomas.

See ya.

Bye.

Hello?

- Hello?

- Hello.

- Is that Caroline?

- Yeah.

It's me, Wing Nuts.

Thomas. You're back again.

Yeah.

Um...

do you ever...

Do you guys, I mean,

people that do your thing,

are you allowed to kind of meet up with

people you talk on the phone with?

I'm not saying

I was thinking of doing that.

I'm glad you're not thinking about it,

Thomas, because unfortunately, I can't.

I was just asking.

I'm not saying I was going to do it

anyway.

I don't even know you. I mean,

you could be a freak or whatever.

- You can always call.

- Yeah, I know.

I feel a bit stupid now.

Anyway, I'd better go to bed.

It's $5 a minute.

OK.

Anyway, I'll see you. I won't see you.

I mean, I'll...

I'll talk to you, whatever.

OK. Bye.

D*ckhead.

Yoo!

Go and score a goal, mate.

How did you end up?

Oh, you know, the usual.

Jo was pissed off, I had a spew.

Yeah, good times.

You are a disaster.

Yeah, I know.

So how are you feeling

about your time off?

Yeah.

What are you going to do for two months?

Dunno. Sit around, stare out the window,

wonder what's happening in my life,

cup of tea, kill myself.

You know, normal sh*t.

Before you top yourself, Sad Sack,

think about the American offer.

Yeah, I will. What are you going to do?

I'm doing it.

Come to Dad, mate!

Jump on Uncle Manny.

Oh! Alright.

- Is that your dad?

- No.

Oh, yeah.

He can't say that!

- I'm your real dad.

- You're not my daddy.

- He's my dad.

- No, he's a drunk.

No, my dad's over there,

my dad's over there!

You talk a lot about your father.

What does he feel about it?

Ah, he whinges a bit.

He's always whingeing.

He's always saying, 'Comb your hair.

It looks like a bloody half-sucked mango.'

My head's too big for my body.

I've got no arse. I look like a foetus.

You're being a bit hard on yourself,

Manny.

- And I've got wing nuts.

- You really think you've got wing nuts?

Yeah, look at them.

Either that

or my head's too small for my ears.

People always come up and say,

'I just look at you and laugh.'

I don't know whether to take that

as a compliment or not.

Right... America.

So, do you want to do it or not?

'Cause I need an answer.

Yeah. Why not?

OK. You know it means living there.

They'll effectively own you.

Is that a problem?

No. Let's go, let's go.

OK. Alright,

we'll get them out here for a show.

Yep.

- There's just one more thing.

- What's that?

They want you to go out live

on national television, the whole show.

Why?

To see if you can do it.

- What, perform?

- Yeah.

I've done it a million times.

What difference does it make

if there's a camera in my face?

That's just the way they do it, mate.

That's the deal.

So do you want to do it or not?

Yeah, I'll do it.

Gold!

Alright, well, I'll book the State.

What the f*** is that?

Dunno, mate. Just eat it.

You love your caramel slice.

Yeah, just like Mum used to make.

- See you, mate.

- Ciao, Manny.

Ah, Hermann Hesse.

It's a good book.

- You've read it?

- Yeah.

It's about a miserable bloke

who wants to kill himself

until he meets a woman who teaches him

how to dance and enjoy life.

- Well, there goes the ending.

- Oh, sorry.

It's OK.

Anyway, I'm Manny. I ruin novels.

I'm Maria.

- I think I've seen you.

- I was just here.

- Anyway, I'd better get going.

- OK.

Even though I've got nowhere to go.

- I'll see you around.

- OK.

Hey, ah...

Sorry.

Do you reckon I could get your number

and call you,

and maybe have a coffee

and ruin another book?

Um, sure.

Great.

Do you have a pen?

No. Do you have one?

No.

I think Armando...

Man, here!

Oh. Yep.

The finest comedian!

How are you going, Dad?

How the bloody hell are you?

You finally decided

to visit your old man.

- You could visit me.

- Here we go. Don't start.

- You started.

- You can't argue with you, can you?

You've always got to have the last word.

- If I don't, you will.

- How's your shows going?

- Good. You should come one time.

- I don't have to.

I know what you talk about.

You talk about me half the time.

It's all bloody bullshit anyway.

- What's that?

- What?

DVD with a naked girl on the front.

Oh. Cloudy gave me that awhile back.

- You ever watch it?

- Nah.

Bullshit. Stick it on.

You've got to be fit to do that.

You had enough?

You wanted to watch it.

Just wanted to have a look.

I didn't want to watch the whole thing.

I feel a bit sick now.

Well, what do you want to do?

Do you want to go out for lunch

or something?

Lunch? Don't be f***ing stupid!

- Why's it stupid?

- Go to some bloody poofy cafe

and pay ten bucks for one carrot?

There's bloody food in the fridge.

Well, forget it.

Do you want to go for a walk?

What am I, your girlfriend?

You never bring your girlfriends

out here.

I would if I had one.

When you going to make me a grandfather?

When I get one of them pregnant.

- Beer?

- Beer?

It's 11:
30.

Didn't the doctor say

you shouldn't be drinking?

Mate, I gave up smoking.

Haven't had a root

since your mother died.

Drinking's the only thing I've got left.

I'm drinking. Do you want one or not?

Yeah, righto.

Right. Ring her up, say hello,

ask her how she is, try to listen

to the answer, if that's possible.

Talk about the weather,

not for too long.

Then just ask her out

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