Marci X Page #4

You're lucky I thought

of bringing you tonight.

This party is such a fabulous

idea for our campaign.

Now people will see

that you're really decent

and helpful and nice.

Nice, my ass.

When you gonna wake up

and smell the brother?

What is that, rabbit?

Siberian chinchilla, 300 Gs.

What's that you got on?

Lab rat?

This is classic white mink.

Is that platinum?

Yes, ghetto fabulous.

What about your earrings,

those real diamonds?

-Of course.

-Wow.

I didn't know they made them

that small.

You know, you remind me

of someone in that outfit

with the jewelry and the hair.

Yeah, who?

Biggie? Tupac? DMX?

My Aunt Esther.

Welcome.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,

to our annual auction

to benefit CWNFlTA,

Children With No Feeling

In Their Arms.

Okay.

It is a terrible illness still

affecting far too many wee ones.

Wee ones?

It's tragic.

They can't dial.

Ouch! Stop it!

Marvelous.

Thank you.

That's great.

All right.

Our first item is something

truly, deeply exciting.

It's dinner for two

with the handsome,

the totally dreamy

Mr. Donald Trump.

I love Donald.

She can't be real.

Who wants dinner

with Donald Trump?

You don't have to touch him.

Maybe he's changed.

That's his real hair.

-This is whack.

-Whack?

Oh, that means "bad."

I do volunteer work,

teaching black teenagers

to wear the correct size.

I'll be back. Excuse me.

Is that Chuck Berry?

Wow.

What is he doing?

You need some help, baby.

I'm here to back you up.

I'm... I'm working, okay?

Just go back to your seat.

It's okay.

We're working together

as a team.

They're old.

They don't have much time left.

Look,

shout out to the wee one.

Throw your hands up.

Stop it.

Hey.

We got to get these

wee ones some arms.

My first item up,

I need to talk

to just the ladies.

Fellas, take five.

He is so sexy.

He's a gangsta.

He raps about guns

and b*tches and hos.

That's what I said.

'Cause I know you ladies all

beautiful and bangin' and alone.

Are you alone, mama?

I'm with my husband.

Yeah, you're alone.

Bam.

And you're all here

with your husbands

and your ex-husbands

and future ex-husbands,

but you're all alone.

I see it in your eyes.

Who's dis?

He's my fourth husband.

Your fourth husband.

Is he rich?

Not rich enough.

Then you're still alone.

And what do we have here?

Look at these lovely creatures

over here.

Hi, ladies.

Tell me the truth,

y'all ever get it on?

One bed, four b*tches?

Be honest.

I'm telling you,

this room is just full

of lush, lonely,

Iovely

Iadies.

Hey!

Don't touch.

Now, who's wearing that perfume

that got me all worked up,

turned on, turned out, huh?

-Me. -Me.

-Me.

Hey, hey,

now, now, don't fight,

delight.

That's right, ladies,

because you all deserve

something mo' better,

mo' blacker, mo' me.

Late at night you

want something hot

and homey.

You're not homey.

So, right now,

I'm offerin' a house call

from the doctor of love.

We gonna start the bidding

at 20 Gs.

$20,000.

Ladies... it's for the wee ones.

They can't touch themself

no place.

Do I hear 30 Gs?

$30,000!

$31,000!

$35,000!

$40,000!

$50,000!

$70,000!

$100,000!

That's great.

For the kids.

All right.

Thank you.

I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, stop it.

You made the bid.

He's got you.

That's true.

He's the man.

He's a player.

We're his b*tches.

Yo, Yolanda, I just got word

they headed for the club.

Get over there.

Tubby?

What?

On the way, boo.

What is this place?

This is my club.

My hang.

Do you own it?

Damn right.

And I will open up

branches in L.A.,

Atlanta, and Miami.

Plus a hotel and casino

in Vegas.

He's a mogul.

Like your father.

Very nice.

Stop it.

Yo, S!

Ladies, may I present

to you T-Bill, Freekazoid

and Quantrelle.

They all have such funny names.

Kirsten Blatt.

Caitlin Mellowitz.

Lauren Farb.

Hey, baby.

You know,

I did make the winning bid

at the auction for a house call.

So where does it hurt?

I'm not sure.

Does it hurt right there?

-Does that hurt?

-Maybe.

What about right over here?

Ouch.

You must got a fever.

Well, maybe I'll feel better

down on the dance floor.

Stop. You dancing,

gettin' down busy?

I love dance.

Oh, my God,

there was this one piece

in college during

Black History Month,

we learned this dance

celebrating diversity.

Do you want to see it?

Oh, come on!

Okay, we need room.

This some good weed.

This is perfect.

Wait, wait, wait.

Excuse me, D.J.

We're going to explore

multi-cultural harmony

through self-expression.

Hector, cut it.

We're going to reach out.

We're going to celebrate

understanding.

Yo, what's up

with those white chicks?

They gonna go dance

the black experience.

Okay.

We are in Kenya.

Kenya.

Yeah.

Okay.

And I'm an African princess

strolling along the Nile

with my handmaidens.

Our princess is proud.

But lonely.

She fears she will never find

her perfect rainbow soul mate.

We dance the tragic despair

of the unmarried princess.

Oh... Oh...

Oh, Oh.

What was in that weed?

That's what I'm sayin'.

The tribal drummer

feels our pain.

And his ancient rhythms

fill our souls.

To lift our spirits,

we sing our

favorite tribal chant.

Oom-bolly-nana-woka,

Oom-bolly-nana-woka

The words mean,

"Maybe I should

-Oom-bolly-nana-woka

-become a lesbian."

Oom-bolly-nana-woka

Suddenly, one of the handmaidens

breaks away.

She runs across the fields

discovering freedom

and joy,

and her own

personal creativity.

Ooh, aah, aah, aah, ooh.

That one's craziness is catchy,

right there.

Handmaiden...

All right, chill, handmaiden.

Calm down, dear.

The princess... Back...

-Sorry.

-Yeah.

...wonders if she will be

alone forever.

Then late one night

a noble prince arrives

from the village far away.

No, no. Don't push me.

A village called

Harvard Law School.

He is handsome and regal.

Hello, ladies.

Do I know you?

Kenya.

There is a gathering

with music and movement.

Your Highness.

You, too.

Don't talk too much.

Don't eat anything.

Ask about his hobbies.

You will have

many strong children.

When you're ready.

When he's king.

There is fire!

There is heat.

He's a great dancer.

Yo, what?!

Oh, snap, Yolanda's here.

Uh-oh.

You on your own, brah.

Baby, I was just...

Back!

I'm just gonna be right there.

I'm sorry.

I was just dancing.

I was telling...

You have insulted my people.

Your people?

You've insulted Ricky Martin,

Marc Anthony,

Christina Aguilera,

on her father's side...

I'm... I'm sorry.

Yolanda, baby, you look so fine

in your little Peter Pan outfit.

I wouldn't dog you,

you know that.

But does she?

You kicked me.

Stop it!

This is so wrong.

Women do not have to fight

each other over a man!

Not without mud, y'all.

Stop it!

Stop kicking me!

Okay, ladies,

just stop it, okay?

Y'all calm down,

otherwise somebody's blouse

might get pulled open.

I'm warning you

I-I know Tae-Bo.

-Tae-Bo?

-Uh-huh.

I could kill you

while I sculpt and tone

my midsection.

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