Maria Bamford: Old Baby

---

1

I always like to tell audiences...

pre-program,

just in case you're brought

here by a friend.

Sometimes friends lead us astray.

I had two very close friends.

My parents invite me to go see a film.

I said, "Of course

I'll go see that movie with you,

because you love me.

Why on earth would

you want to see me suffer?"

And then I sat through

Steven Spielberg's War Horse,

which, if you haven't seen,

as far as I'm concerned,

is a 14-hour, real-time documentary

about a gentle horse struggling in vain

to escape from barbed wire.

This may be your war horse.

If that's the case,

do as I did.

Take a lap outside.

Get yourself a treat.

There's probably a CVS

or a Rite Aid selling ice cream... nearby

because you're a good friend.

You took a risk.

And in fact,

your relationship has only grown deeper,

because now you know

you have different senses of humor

when it comes to certain types

of stand-up comedy.

Oh! What a stinging broth intimacy can be.

[mimics shivering]

That's who you are.

That's it.

Did you know that on Netflix,

it is possible to run out

of genocide documentaries?

And I've got to fill

my queue with something.

How else am I gonna feel that contentment

that comes from the perception

I'm not about to kill millions of people,

nor are millions

of people about to kill me?

My queue kept suggesting a reality show

called Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta,

which is a show wherein young ladies

pick out gowns for their nuptials.

And it's very similar

to a genocide documentary,

[deep voice] in that no one

is learning from history!

[Southern accent] It's my day,

it's the most important

day in a woman's life.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

[grunts]

[deep low voice]

I just want a pretty dress.

Bigger than the other dresses.

Bigger than the other dresses.

Yep.

[snoring]

I just got married last year.

Uh... As an older bride.

What is that, a specter from the attic?

And, uh...

The thing is,

what you might ask, is...

Whoa.

The reason it happened

was I had an epiphany.

I was so sick of myself

asking that question

of people in relationships:

"How did you guys meet?

Did your hands come together

by accident in a garden?"

And what do people

in relationships always say?

They always say,

"Um, well, we just met

and we genuinely liked each other,

and, you know, there's ups and downs.

[chuckles]

We like each other, so we stay together."

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry if you're bored

with your miracle!

And it seems like to me romance

takes a lot more than that.

Like, you gotta want it, but no.

Be available.

Too busy.

He's the one.

But that's the deal breaker.

The odds of falling in love

with the perfect person

at the perfect time

are about the odds of, I don't know,

being discovered in Hollywood.

Wait a minute.

I asked a similarly desperate question

for many years,

which was,

how do you make it in show business?

Do you move to San Diego

and disguise yourself as a bush?

[laughs]

Moving slowly northward

beneath the cover of dusk?

[audience laughs]

And what do famous people always say?

They always say,

"Well, do you enjoy doing it?"

Great.

Good.

Isn't it fun, yeah, just keep doing it.

Just keep it doing, you know,

and, um...

if you don't enjoy it,

please, you know, stop.

But no one can ever

take that away from you.

You get to do it, and it's a privilege.

And just,

you know,

pretty soon you've been

doing it a long time, you go, whoa this,

this is what I do.

This is what I've done with my life.

Best of luck.

[laughing]

Which is profoundly true.

Is that what a relationship is?

Is it just continuing

to show up without any guarantee?

I can do that!

I didn't realize there'd be ambiguity,

doubt, confusion,

or at least the amount

that there is in a job.

'Cause people always say,

once you've been doing

something a long time, they say,

"I bet you always knew

you wanted to be a comedian."

[whispers] I did not want

to do this show today.

You guys know that.

[normal voice] And, uh...

that means me and my boo-boo,

me and my snuggle man,

me and my Mr. Handsome Face Turkey Butt,

have a chance,

because we've had our high times.

Oh, God,

when you're starting out real cocky.

Oh, our kissing is so hot,

it should be on TV.

La, la, la, la...

And then you get the craftsmanship stage.

That's when things take more effort.

That's when I get a poor attitude,

like in this job.

I say, "I'd like to do an invulnerable

impersonation of my mother,

but I don't wanna

do it in front of a sports bar,

where the Raisin Bran Bowl is playing

and nobody's listening."

Well, Princess Daffodil,

that would be the whole f***ing thing,

so why don't you learn

to project above nine television sets

and make some friends?

[audience laughs]

And if you're lucky in life,

you get to have those dark times,

the relationship equivalent

of two weeks in Laughlin, Nevada.

Bombing three shows a night

for hundreds of silent,

angry jet skiers.

Laughing, crying,

thinking, this is not

at all what I wanted!

But there's always one

strawberry toaster pastry left

in the hallway vending machine.

And you break it,

and share it with the opener

and the headliner.

[whispers] And you make

it through another show.

[laughs]

And that way you get days like today,

where it all seems

like it was meant to be.

Happy anniversary

to show business audience

of over 20 years.

I love you all far more deeply

than the day we first met,

and the fact that we all still have

the free will to abandon each other

at any given moment...

makes it all the more compelling.

I'm back, I came back!

But I don't,

it's my special,

but I don't want to come back,

but I'm coming back!

No, okay, okay.

No, no! No!

But what if I didn't come back?

But I did, I did.

That's full body peek-a-boo.

Not a lot of comics who are doing that.

[audience laughing]

Oh!

[chatters]

You're right.

Um...

[blows raspberry]

[chatters]

I know.

I'm 46 years-old.

Of course I've fallen in love

many times before.

It was always over 100% my fault,

uh, that it didn't work out,

'cause you know how it is.

You fall in love with someone.

You tell them, uh,

that you love them,

and then you share with them

what you think

is the single most horrifying

fact about yourself.

They're gonna think it's something else.

But...

For example, I would tell you,

I love you so much.

Heads up:

mental illness runs in my family.

If ever I start talking too fast

about wanting to get in touch

with the pope

or some other ethical authority,

you're gonna wanna put me in a purple van,

drive me to doggy day care 'cause

I need to be boarded for the weekend.

Some guys said,

"Whoa, whoa, whoa."

Fair enough.

And some guys were like,

"Oh, okay."

And I rejected them.

They shared with me their deepest secret,

and one fantastic

human being to share with me.

Babe, I love you,

and... I think you should know,

my dad's in the mafia.

I'm not, but I do have a million

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes