Maria Bamford: Old Baby Page #2

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in cash in case something goes down.

He uses my Social Security number.

He will probably try to use yours,

but it'll never be a problem."

What I said was, "Whoa, whoa, whoa."

What I could have said was,

"I work in the entertainment industry.

I am awash in filthy money!"

The Disney Channel's a front

for Thai child prostitution.

That's an open secret.

I've...

I've paid in cash most nights

with a gun on the table.

I would be honored

if your father used my Social,

and at certain points in my life,

it would have only raised my credit score.

[laughing]

I had another, uh,

handsome individual

share with me,

"Babe, a couple years back,

I had a two-year,

meth-fueled gay relationship,

but then I got into Weight Watchers,

and I gained back my confidence."

What I said, very judgmentally, was...

"Whoa, whoa, whoa."

What I could have said was,

"That sounds like fun!"

Life is f***ing hard.

I hope you make up for it in points.

And...

if you want to talk about

bizarre sexual behavior,

I for a period of 15 years

had a one night stand

in a Hampton Inn or better

up and down the I-35W corridor.

They were always drunk,

I was always stone-cold sober.

It was planned, it was cyclical.

Those are a few of

the signs of a predator.

Nobody's perfect.

Let's work this out!

[laughing]

So when my scrumptious beloved...

explained to me that at the age of 52

he is not, in fact, a virgin,

and I had always dreamed

of having a clean boy...

[audience laughs]

but he is a filthy little monkey.

And he was okay with me.

He said, "I know sometimes

women who are post-menopausal...

Um, well, anyways,

if you go to the psych ward,

they don't let you have sharp stuff.

And if-if you grew a beard,

I'd come in and I'd shave your beard."

[audience laughs]

That's about the most

romantic thing I ever did hear tell!

[laughing]

Merch!

Merch!

Anybody?

Hi.

Uh, you interested in some merch?

Uh, we take, uh, cash,

we take credit cards.

We, uh, take barter.

Um, that's a safe dating card.

It takes you through the stages of dating,

all the way through rape

and domestic violence.

You don't have any CDs or anything?

Uh, I do not sell any CDs

of my stand-up comedy.

I know... I bought this already,

because it's my own merch,

but wouldn't I be interested

in having a little more?

Hmm?

'Cause what if I gave this one away?

The signature, I'm hiding hat.

And then I would need another.

These are perfect for the athletic in you.

[man] Jesus Christ!

Um, this is an XXL.

You think, that would be too big on me,

but is it not just maybe perfect?

The perfect size.

If you want a conversation starter,

you know, and you say,

okay, I wanna wear a big short

that's gonna make people ask questions,

but then also acknowledge my limitations

as a personality,

so that, when you abruptly walk away,

look down,

they're not surprised.

"Oh, do you wanna be happy?"

"Yes."

"Do you wanna be a success?"

"Yes."

"Do you wanna buy merch?"

"Yes!"

I just tricked you there.

It's a pancake stress squeezer,

um, and then it reads, which is very true,

"Meds are more effective."

[audience laughs]

More merch available pencil.

I already want 100.

Wait a minute, I bought 100!

My husband has noticed, uh,

something about me.

I like to tear open packages of food,

take caps partially off beverages,

and then leave them out and around,

and he said very kindly, very sweetly,

"Why?"

[laughing]

I explained, because I am raccoon.

I need to get in there, okay,

get what's good,

be on my way.

Oh, but what if you get sick,

you know, because sometimes it can go bad?

You'll fall ill.

Were you not listening

when I just mentioned that I am raccoon?

I can digest ceiling tile.

I just need to fill this up,

get back to the river with my friends.

Did you just bring an old salad to bed?

[chatters]

[softly] It's nighttime, I'm awake!

Um, uh...

We do not know what we're doing,

uh, so we go see a therapist,

and we don't know if it's helping,

but we have written a song about her.

Cheryl Hirsham

Cheryl Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

You go to Cheryl Hirsham

'Cause she reflects back what

your partner's trying to say to you

And it normalizes conflict

Cheryl Hirsham

Cheryl Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

Cheryl Hirsham

Scott freaked out

'cause I locked him in the garage

by accident for two hours,

and he's like,

"Oh, my God, I'm with somebody

who didn't even notice I'm not there!"

And he told Cheryl Hirsham,

and she kind of giggled,

and then he felt

irritated and felt unsafe.

And then we all laughed.

Cheryl Hirsham

Cheryl Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

I freaked out

'cause Scott peed in the backyard,

and I'm like, "Oh, my God,

are we going Grey Gardens here,

gonna start collecting

wet newspaper and cat food?"

And I told Cheryl Hirsham,

and she said,

"Sometimes my son pees in the backyard,

and it helps scare away the deer."

Cheryl Hirsham

Cheryl Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

She has long silver hair

That you can tell she sets in hot rollers

'cause she f***ing cares about herself!

And she has this Thomas Kinkade painting,

I don't know if you've seen it,

it's Christian painter,

painter of light, a lot of...

Anyways, uh, don't judge her for it.

And then she has

this magazine in her lobby

called Bi-Polar Magazine.

Nineteen copies of the same issue.

I said, "Hey, can I have one of those?"

And she said, "No."

Cheryl Hirsham

Cheryl Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

[deep voice] Every time

we go to see Cheryl Hirsham,

we can't remember the code to get in.

Is it 4-0-0-2?

Wait, is it 2-0-0-4?

I thought you wrote it down!

You put it in your phone!

I didn't bring my phone

because I thought we're supposed

to be more mindful of our time together

and be off social media!

It's your fault!

No, it's your fault!

Wait, wait.

It's our fault.

We did all this together.

We're a team!

Cheryl Hirsham Hirsham

It is so hard to love people nowadays.

Uh...

There is too much to keep track of.

"Oh, you didn't like my Facebook event."

I'm f***ing here!

You want me to Hellen Keller

a thumbs up into your palm?

[audience laughs]

And, uh,

I love my father.

I was painting him a ceramic

dog bank at Color Me Mine,

and of course I wanted

to create something meaningful

that would last forever.

[laughing]

The plan was garishly splatter

an already extremely

unattractive ceramic dog bank

to get the following reaction:

Joel, do we have to keep

this thing from Maria

in the center of the living room?

Marilyn!

It's a gift from our youngest daughter,

and it deserves a place of honor.

Oh, I just can't stand it.

I can't stand it.

Marilyn!

I'm putting it in the basement.

Marilyn, I get to have one goddamn

thing in this house that's mine!

Are you keeping money in here?

It's my money, Marilyn.

That's a savory piece of gristle

those two kids can tug back and forth

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