Maria Bamford: Old Baby Page #3

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over the course of their golden years.

[laughs]

But you know how it is.

You are creating something,

you start out strong,

but then you're working on a Spicy V8

and you start to lose focus.

And, uh,

I ended up barely

covering the dog in one color,

brown,

and shoving it into the kiln.

I left sick with anger at myself.

I said, "Is that all I have for my father?

An unobtrusive tchotchke?"

Maria!

[snorting]

She hates it.

It worked out exactly as you planned!

[audience laughs]

Yeah, and I bought a China cat

to sit opposite of it

so there's a real nice tension.

And he's not putting money in there,

'cause he says he can't trust me.

But when she's looking,

I put my lips to its slot

and I whisper my wishes.

I got secrets, Marilyn.

Your mother's been opening

my mail for 45 years,

which is a federal offense.

I opened a birthday

card from your sister.

Are you hiding something?

I don't know, Marilyn.

You read it.

Am I?

You say that you love people.

I say that I love my nieces and nephews,

but is that what I say when once a year

I FedEx them a box of wigs?

Does that...

one act really make up for the fact

that I never make eye contact

and I am still not clear on their names?

[laughing]

Hey, Coltnol.

Oh, where are all the,

the taller shadows?

[audience laughs]

I have a dear friend

who I know still has a flip phone,

yet I continue to send

her emojis of eggplants,

basketballs, pieces of pizza,

knowing that all she sees are squares!

[laughing]

I need to find a way to show people

how much I love them

despite all my words and actions.

Here's what I've come up with.

What's more constant, loving,

and eternal than the Internet?

You make...

a three-second gif saying how you feel.

I care,

I care,

I care,

I care,

I care.

That way, you're covered.

That's like a flame that never goes out.

That's like that candle

outside the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier,

like, yeah, we can't remember

who's all stacked up back here,

but we got this still going.

Whenever I walk past a cemetery,

I like to say,

"What happened?"

[audience laughing]

Wow.

That way, the next time

you let somebody down

like I'm letting you guys down right now,

there are not nearly enough

punch lines per second.

Jesus, what is this, a speech?

Yeah, and then after the show

she gives these shoulder-based hugs.

Does she even give a sh*t?

[audience laughing]

Well, why don't you click on my...

my new Snapchat story?

[whispers] I love you,

but I have glasses and a big mustache.

Rainbow vomit.

I love you.

Glasses, mustache, rainbow vomit.

I love you.

Glasses, mustache,

rainbow vomit.

I have a friend who's always

trying to get me to do stuff.

You want to go horseback riding?

What is it?

You go on a dusty trail with two lesbians

who used to be a couple,

but now they run

a small business together.

And horses bite.

[audience laughs]

Okay, I'll go once,

but I'm gonna have

to cry all the way there,

and I'm gonna need

a Dairy Queen peanut buster parfait

on the way back.

And that's hot fudge, peanuts, ice cream,

hot fudge, peanuts, ice cream,

hot fudge, peanuts, ice cream,

whip cream, cherry topper.

And what I do is I go for the eye,

'cause it takes the fight right out of it!

[laughing]

Do you wanna go swing dancing?

Are people still doing that?

The war is over!

There's plenty of pantyhose for everyone.

It's every Sunday from 2:00 to 4:00,

just when you don't wanna do anything.

And it's side, side,

back step, side, side.

I'll go for three years,

but that is it!

Turns out it's pretty fun.

Do you wanna go to a fitness boot camp?

It's every day at 6:00 a.m.

'cause they're making us into a shape,

and you run

and there's no game element

to distract you from the fact

that you keep running and running.

Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go for five days.

Day five, Tanya,

and I know it's gonna be Tanya,

is gonna say,

"Come on, Maria!

I wanna see you push it!"

And I am never gonna go again.

But will you forget

to cancel the automatic debit

coming from your checking account

and pay for it

for the next year and a half?

[whispers] Of course I will.

[laughing]

I love you so much.

Uh, I'm not very good with chit-chat.

Uh, I like a structured communication,

a la stand-up, you know?

I like a hard out.

You know, chit, chat,

chit, chat.

Ugh.

Chit chat...

Where are we going with this?

There is a guy at my dog park

who does not have a dog.

And, um...

[audience laughs]

You're a very beautiful woman.

Hmm, keep it coming.

Turns out I do have all day.

Uh, Howard's 85 years-old

and he used to be a dog trainer.

[mans voice] You know,

these dogs you have,

they don't know the difference

between good and bad

the same way people don't know

the difference between good and bad.

The happiest days of my life,

I was five years old,

I was riding on my father's shoulders,

Times Square,

end of World War II, V-Day.

The war was over, but...

you know, at that same moment

the atomic bomb was being dropped

on Hiroshima and Nagasaki,

where millions died.

So was it good or was it bad?

[audience laughs]

[normal voice] Okay, this makes much

more sense than clicker training.

We will sit,

and we will stay,

which is not a problem for our family,

because, uh,

everyone's brought in a wagon.

We've got two elderly, overweight pugs.

Nobody walks.

Uh, just out to get some air.

And, you know, Howard's trying

to get me to teach the dogs something.

You gotta give them consequences.

Howard, we're keeping them alive.

Uh... Is that not cruelty enough?

Well, you know, if I asked you,

hey, would you raise

your right hand for me,

you'd say, f*** you, Howard.

I don't know you.

Oh, sounds like you do know me.

But if I dug you underground,

put you underground for six months,

no light, no sound, no human contact,

and then I brought you back up

and I said, "Now, will you

raise your right hand for me?

[scoffs]

You're gonna raise your right hand.

[sniffs]

Point of order.

Our, uh...

Our family,

I don't know if you've been there,

but you know when you

f***ed up in life in a major way,

and you look around and you think,

I have just enough people who love me.

Even if I continued to f*** up

in kind of a major way on a regular basis,

I'm still gonna get treats.

Why strive

for some imaginary standard of behavior?

Even if some of us,

and I'm not gonna say who...

It's me!

Sh*t on the carpet,

sometimes three times a day,

I can't make it to the toity,

Papa's still gonna helicopter us

into the-the bed for snuggles.

[laughing]

We had a great dog named Trixie.

We called her Trixie

'cause she could do so many tricks.

Jesus Christ, we're not idiots, Howard!

Of course her name was Trixie

'cause she'd...

Sadly, Shaq is always

a Rottweiler in a Lakers jersey.

Pancake is a white, overweight guinea pig.

These things remain true over time!

[audience laughs]

She was a great dog.

The only problem was

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