Maria Bamford: Old Baby Page #4

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she couldn't stop licking herself,

touching herself.

With us guys, it's one and done,

but with you ladies

there's no reason to stop, you know?

And, uh,

we would throw tennis balls at us,

spray orange juice in her face.

We got her this buzzer collar.

That just made it worse.

[audience laughs]

Yeah, our, uh,

Betty,

our pug Betty, she, uh,

she loops her leg around Arnold's head

and forces him into a position

of cunnilingus...

for hours.

Uh, we call it The Cherry Picker.

[laughing]

That's when I think our animals

have so much to teach us.

[singing in French]

All right.

Okay, merch door open, open!

Come on in! Uh...

I'm changing into

a more professional voice

so that you'll feel more comfortable

exchanging money and credit.

Hey, come on by.

Uh...

We have the T-shirt,

uh, the one that I'm wearing, as well.

All sorts of sizes.

They run big because

they are made in America.

Uh, and they are, uh,

union,

union made.

Everything else made in Indochina.

Now these are, they're such good quality.

Uh, they're fresh.

It's so easy to, it's so easy...

Okay, it's not as easy as I thought.

Um, I don't want you to feel pressure

to buy anything either.

If you need that pen, you...

You can have it.

I can have it? Okay, okay!

I've lived in Los Angeles, uh, so long

that I've become violently positive.

I am aggressively optimistic.

I was, um, [clicks tongue]

talking to a lady in a shop,

and she said,

"I've always wanted to open

a little boutique like this,

but just like a gourmet deli!"

[audience laughs]

Dude,

it's already started happening.

You just, you say,

"I am now a grocer.

I am now purveying cookies,

candies, cakes, cornucopias.

I am now."

Yeah, I have two kids, a full-time job.

That'd be pretty tough.

I know it seems impossible,

but it is insane how much

the universe supports you!

Pretty soon you'll be like,

oh, my God, there's a warehouse.

And then like somebody's like,

I've got a free crate of tuna

you could have!

And then...

I'm your first customer.

[deep voice] Hello!

Is the beef fresh?

[normal voice]

This is so powerful if you act it out.

[deep voice] Is the beef fresh?

Is it fresh?

Um...

Is it fresh?

[audience laughs]

Um, you know what? It's actually, uh...

[grunts]

[audience laughs]

Probably when I think about it,

it was probably just something

I was just saying.

[laughs nervously]

I probably wouldn't necessarily

want to get into retail.

Open up your f***ing

[yells] shop!

[audience laughing]

Make real every passing fancy!

My beloved husband is, of course,

bearing the brunt

of this unsolicited support.

We were talking about Diana Nyad.

She swam from Cuba to Florida,

a 1,000 miles, open water,

without a shark cage.

He said, "Oh, I could never do that!"

I said,

"Yes, you can!"

[laughs]

Maria,

she's an Olympic swimmer.

She attempted five times.

She almost died twice.

I'm not a good swimmer.

I also really don't want to do it.

[audience laughs]

Why don't you believe in yourself?

We would just incrementally increase

the time you spend in the tub!

[laughing]

I-I'd nip you with washcloths

to mimic the sting of the box jelly.

I was wondering

why I was getting so enraged

when someone suggested there are limits,

and, um,

it is because I think

I feel terribly guilty

that all my dreams

came true relatively easily

about 15 years ago.

I just wanted to be on television.

It happened.

I'd like to think that,

that was a result of hard work.

But if you know me at all,

you know that I am sleepy

and I cannot remember

what you just told me.

That leaves luck.

Luck is just another of way of saying,

some of us were born

sliding into home plate.

Uh, I was given a full ride scholarship

through the age of 25

by an organization called

The Bamfords!

[laughs]

I was talking to a group

of high school students,

and none of us knew why I was there.

Very confusing,

not a little frightening.

I was saying something

extremely ill-advised,

like, "You could do anything

you set your mind to, turtles!"

Kid in the back said,

"Um,

it's not that easy."

[frightened panting]

[audience laughs]

As a final lesson for Career Day,

if you could take

one of my head shots from 1999

of which I ordered 1,000 on rush

and have never needed them,

and if you guys could toss those out,

I can't seem to.

And as you say to yourself,

"Huh?

Who was that even?

I don't even want to be what she is.

It's like,

she's all shaky."

How does she even have a job?

[audience laughing]

Just know what one individual

managed to accomplish

with a modicum of effort...

and every possible advantage.

[laughs]

"She's like an old baby."

Yes!

[audience laughs]

That is the perfect description

of what I am.

Very old,

and baby-like.

[audience laughs]

Was getting older.

I am still getting older.

Heard a colleague say,

"Whoa, she's really let herself go!"

And I just felt elated.

uh, 'cause that... is my plan.

I'm going full Detroit,

abandoning all infrastructure,

letting my neural pathways

grow slack with disuse.

People used to come here.

Oh!

She's so pretty.

She's...

She's so pretty in the moonlight.

[audience laughs]

She's just a little girl.

But the disgust in that man's voice, uh,

you know, like, God,

is it my civic duty?

Do I need to keep myself

looking tight, puffy, and wet...

in order to not bring down

the property value

of the person I'm standing next to?

And then I thought about Los Angeles.

We have 100,000 people

living on the streets.

We need more of me.

More places where you can take

the emotional equivalent

of a shopping cart

full of dead car batteries

and pull it up.

I'm a very good place to squat.

I cannot provide you any services,

but...

if you're at a party,

or you stand around, don't feel welcome,

come sit next to me.

I can be a shelter from the storm.

[audience laughs]

Uh, I like my job, but sometimes I lie

about what I do, uh...

because, uh, sometimes I say

I'm a bookkeeper, you know?

If I'm in a closed space.

I wish I am.

I do all my own Quicken and QuickBooks.

I have also been audited by the IRS

five times!

Turns out they owed me $25!

Ka-blam!

Uh...

'Cause I may be eccentric,

but I save my receipts in a bucket.

And, um...

the reason I say that, uh,

I'm a bookkeeper

is because one time I was on a flight

from Los Angeles to New York,

and a woman said,

what do you do, what I did.

And she went into a PTSD

stream of consciousness

traumatic monologue

about the worst experience I've...

The night... when my husband,

we were in the front row of a comedy show,

and the comedian,

it was an hour and no, no laughs.

He was bombing, and,

you know what? We couldn't leave.

And it was so painful.

It was...

weird and...

I will never go see stand-up comedy ever.

[audience laughs]

Well, we apologize that

you experienced that with our services.

If there's any way we can

win back your business,

in fact, I'd love to get your e-mail

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