Marley & Me Page #3

Marley, you can't go

through a screen door.

We're rockin'the suburbs

Around the block

just one more time

We're rockin'the suburbs

- We part the shades and face some facts

- Happy Thanksgiving.

- You too.

- They got better looking fescue

Marley!

It just seems like

that there's other guys.

- Like, I don't understand why you thought of me.

- I'm in a bind.

Yeah, but I'm a reporter.

I'm not a columnist.

John, you get better pay...

you can pick your own hours

and choose your own topics.

- Why are you hesitating?

- No, I'm thinking.

No, you're hesitating. I'm offering you

a promotion, and you're hesitating.

I never saw myself as a columnist.

Well, think of it as one of those times

when you surprise yourself.

- Okay.

- John, it's only a couple of times a week...

till I get a replacement forJerry.

Then you can go back to doing

whatever the hell it was you were doing.

- What were you doing?

- Obituaries, methane leaks.

- Are you okay with this?

- Yes.

- You don't seem very thrilled.

- No, it's a promotion.

- We could take away the raise in pay if you like.

- No, no. I'm-Thank you.

All right. Now you're talking.

Go on. Get to work.

Oh! Marley. I think

he dislocated my shoulder.

God. He doesn't even heel.

He doesn't walk.

He just sprints.

Marley- God.

Marley, stop.

I had to pull him

off three dogs today.

- Poodles?

- Among others.

I say we give him away to a farm.

Isn't that usually what you do

with dogs that are out of control?

Well, usually you-

Usually you train them.

Or you train 'em.

Come on. Down. Go on.

What are you doing?

Arnie gave me a column.

Are you kidding?

Baby, that's great.

Oh, yeah. It's a big honor.

I get to write about zoning laws...

and give my opinion on yard sales.

Whoa. Down, boy.

Easy with the enthusiasm.

Well, no, it's just, I don't even read

this crap when other people write it.

Now I'm supposed to, you know,

write two columns a week?

And you got nothin'for Tuesday.

No. I got nothin' for Tuesday.

I bet you're gonna

think of something.

Now, see, this gives me a little

inspiration, but it's not for a column.

It's more like-

Look at Marley.

Now he's eating the floor.

Marley, stop.

Marley, you're incorrigible.

Incorrigible? I don't believe in that word.

Every dog wants to learn.

Hey, come here, baby.

Yes, you're a good girl.

You're a good girl.

Yes, you are.

'Course, they can't learn

if their parents are weak-willed.

Yeah. Well, I'm pretty

strong-willed, but-

- Marley-

- Say hello to Marley.

So which of you is gonna be the trainer?

Well, we both thought we would, 'cause

we'd like him to listen to both of us at home.

- We're married too. Yeah.

- No, no, no, no.

A dog can only have one master.

Which one of you has the most natural

authority in your own relationship?

Well, maybe I'll stand

over there for the beginning.

I thought so. Shall we?

- Geez!

- All right, sit.

Sit. Sit.

Sit. Marley.

Okay. Marley- Marley, sit.

This, class, is a classic example of a dog...

who has foolishly been

allowed to believe...

he is the alpha male of the pack...

and therefore, he can never be a happy animal.

Yeah. He looks pretty miserable.

You, joker, rotate in.

And lose the sunglasses.

Dog likes to be

looked at in the eye.

- Jawohl.

- I got it.

- Okay.

- Okay. You got him?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

So. Collar your dogs.

Good boy.

All right, dogs on the left.

On the count of three.

One, two, three. Let's go.

Very nice. Very good.

Good.

- Hey!

- Correct him!

- Whoa!

- Rein in that dog.

All right. All right, class.

Come on. Let's line up again.

Class, it's a simple question

of having confidence...

in your own authority.

I shall now demonstrate a simple walk.

All right?

Mr. Grogan?

- Sorry.

- May I?

All right, even an unruly dog...

likes to obey his leader.

Marley, heel.

Yeah.

Marley. Marley!

Marley! Marley!

Marley.

Careful. Marley, no!

Marley!

Aaah! That's it. He is out.

Sorry. Usually he does this with poodles.

That dog is a bad influence on the others.

Now, leg humping is like a virus.

Once it takes hold of the group- No.

- Okay.

- He has got to go.

It was maybe your hair.

- Reminded him of a poodle.

- Never bring him back.

Right from the beginning

she had me in her sights.

- I know. She really did.

- Marley wouldn't take any of her crap.

That's why he got kicked out.

You are now the world's worst dog.

You've been kicked out

of obedience school.

You know, there is

something else that we could do.

No, I know. We just-We get a-

No. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm smiling, but I'm serious. No.

It's not gonna be so bad, buddy.

You'll see. Sex is overrated.

Aw, I can't tell you that,

'cause you know it's a lie.

Poor son of a b*tch.

Okay. You wanna come up?

Yeah. That's the least I can do.

- Marley!

- Get a little fresh air.

Oh, gosh. It's like he's

walking the plank.

I mean, that's what

breaks my heart, is he's so happy.

- He doesn't know what's coming.

- Honey, he's gonna be fine.

- Oh, no, no, no. That makes me nervous.

- He's okay.

He's just getting a little air.

It's like Of Mice and Men.

- No, Marley-

- Oh, John, please-

- Oh, my God.

- He's makin' a break for it.

He's onto our evil plan.

- Pull over.

- I can't stop here. I can't.

- Honey, pull over.

- I'm trying to. There's a ton of traffic.

- Pull over!

- All right, all right. All right.

- Jesus.

- I need a little help here.

Hey, get a leash.

- Shut up.

- He's losing his balls today. Cut him some slack.

You got him? Careful. Careful.

This is a rough draft, 'cause I'd like

to take another pass at it.

You know, the beginning,

I think I might want-

I think we can maybe lose that,

'cause I think it gets a little bit "jokey. "

I just reread it, and I didn't think

it really worked at all. I'm sorry.

- I'm gonna go back and do the zoning piece.

- Wait. Wait a minute.

What are you apologizing for?

This stuff is hysterical.

- Really?

- I'm laughing my head off at this.

The-The getting kicked out

of obedience school...

the humping, the great escape-

That's really funny stuff.

I'm laughing my ass off.

It's hysterical stuff.

Run it- the way it is.

Thanks.

Listen. You know what makes it work?

What makes it work is that

you put yourself into it. I like that.

- Good.

- Look, I know you're a reporter and all...

but could you do

a few more things like this?

- Sure.

- Great.

- Okay, great.

- And tell your dog not to feel too bad.

Sooner or later,

we all lose our balls.

Hey, good to know.

Woke up to a kiss from Marley.

Went for a walk

that turned into a run.

Took an airboat ride. Wrote a column

about the death of the Everglades.

Planted an orange tree

in the backyard.

Threw sticks for Marley in the park.

Watched him swim in the bay.

Watched him steal some guy's Frisbee.

Bought a new Frisbee for the guy.

Gave Marley a bath.

Went to work with writers'block.

Hoped for inspiration

to strike. Nada.

Got a new shirt.

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