Marley & Me Page #7

- I don't.

- I know, but you love your work and-

I love my work, honey.

But this is killing me.

When I'm at the office,

I just wanna be here.

And when I'm here,

I am constantly thinking about work.

And I just know that

I'm doing both jobs half- halfway.

Well, you're not doing them halfway.

If I have to give up something...

I do not- I do not

want to give up this.

Why should I give you a raise?

Give me one good reason.

'Cause I'm doing a good job.

- Is that a question?

- No.

Since I took over the column,

the readership's doubled.

So you are doing a good job.

- Yes, if you go by circulation and popularity.

- Okay.

- Why not make it permanent?

- What do you mean, like forever?

Yeah, that's what permanent means.

John, every bozo out there

would like to have their own column.

Everybody in that entire room.

And you've taken the column and

you've turned it into something fresh.

I know you don't want to hear it,

but you're a really good columnist.

Why you hesitating?

I just have this idea about myself,

you know, as a reporter.

Well, sometimes life comes up

with a better idea. I'll tell you what.

You take on a daily column,

I will double your salary.

I'm so happy

'Cause today I found my friends

They're in my head

I'm so ugly

That's okay 'cause so are you

Broke our mirrors

Sunday morning

Is every day for all I care

And I'm not scared

Light my candles

In a daze 'cause I found God

I'll start you off with some corn flakes.

Most important meal-

No. Marley.

Most important meal of the day.

There. Take a little-

John, please, just take him for a second.

I gotta shower. I gotta go.

- It happens every time.

- Well, you gotta spend more time with them.

Down! Marley.

Here we go. Oh, oh, oh.

- I'll do it. I'll do it.

- No, no, I got it. It's fine.

You say spend more time

with him, and I do it...

and then you wanna take over

'cause you say I'm not doing it right.

- I don't want you changing him when you're mad.

- I'm not mad! I'm-

Thank you. Come on.

Hi, baby. Hang on, honey.

I know, baby. I know. I know.

Oh, dear. Come on.

Come on. What?

What's the matter?

What do you need, baby? What is it?

Do you want some food? Food? Yeah?

- No. Okay.

- He's just colicky, Jen. He'll grow out of it.

Here's an idea. Why don't you stay home

and I'll go to work while he grows out of it.

Sorry. I'm tired.

Just go. Just go.

It's postpartum depression.

Their hormones go on tilt...

and they get depressed.

I remember after my fourth kid was born,

I'd wake up in the middle of the night sometimes...

my wife would be there

staring at me...

with a meat cleaver in her hand.

I thought she was gonna kill me.

I still do.

Did you get her the gift?

- Yeah.

- That usually works.

Okay, Janice, make him look pretty.

He's gonna have this picture next

to his byline for the next 20 years.

Patrick, honey, please stop doing that.

You're gonna make him sick.

- Just eat it, okay?

- Careful, Patrick.

Remember what we did

to Marley when he didn't listen.

Honey, you know what else?

We really have to pick out a color fabric...

for the curtains in the boys' room.

Okay, well, whatever you want. And then-

I'd really like your help deciding.

No. Let me get him.

Thank you.

Marley, just-

Marley, bad dog!

Marley! Marley, stop it!

Marley, let go! Let go.

Marley. Marley.

Marley! Marley, get back here!

Get back here!

Marley, bad dog!

Marley, get back here! Marley!

See, we were supposed to return these,

and now we have to pay for them.

- That's okay.

- No, it's not okay!

How many times have I told you not to

leave anything edible where he can get it?

- I know, but you wouldn't exactly say this is edible.

- John, you know what I mean.

You also said you would get up early and walk

him. He chews things when he gets restless.

- I am gonna walk him. I just woke up.

- You know what? Forget it!

- I'm gonna do it myself. Forget it!

- You don't have to.

Yes, I'm doing it myself.

You don't get it.

She's gonna kill you.

You've got to take it easy.

We're both hanging by a thread.

- So who gets the dog if you guys split up?

- We're not splitting up.

- Out of the realm of possibility?

- Completely.

There's nothing she can do? No tantrum

too big? No depression too deep?

No failure to perform wifely duties

that would push you over the edge?

Why do you jump right to splitting up?

Come on, buddy. Mend it, don't end it.

- So life is better with Jenny than without her?

- Yes. What is-

Are you wearing a wire?

Jen, are you- She's listening to this.

Jenny, yes, we had a fight,

but I still love you.

Come on, buddy. I had a fight

with my wife. Let me just sulk.

I just wanna know

if you're really happy.

Oh, wait. There she is.

- Who?

- Give me the kid.

No, I can't be a party to this.

That's-That's shameless.

This is gonna be

even better than the puppy.

No, not my son.

Marley, no. Please, please, Marley.

Please.

Marley! Marley, what are you-

Marley, God, look at-

Stop it! Why do you do this?

Why do you ruin everything? Go on!

Patrick! Are you okay? I'm sorry.

Get that dog out of here.

- I want that dog out of here right now.

- I'll take him for a walk.

I'm not kidding.

No, you take him to that farm.

All right, buddy, looks like

we're going to the farm again.

I'm serious. I'm not kidding. I want-

I can't take this anymore.

- What did he do?

- Everything! What hasn't he done?

He's just a horrible,

horrible animal.

- Well, that's a little unfair.

- No, what's unfair...

is that Conor hasn't slept in two weeks

because of that dog's barking...

that Patrick gets

knocked down twice a day...

that I can't even think straight.

God forbid there's

a hint of thunder.

- Just don't!

- Just calm down for a second.

I know that it's been a rough couple of

months with the new baby and everything.

I understand that.

But I was talking with Arnie.

- And postpartum dep-

- Don't you dare.

I am not depressed.

I am exhausted.

I'm not angry because of some condition.

I can't even go out

for an hour without the kids...

because every babysitter in this

neighborhood is terrified of Marley.

I know that, but you were the one that

said you didn't wanna work anymore.

- We can get help-

- I don't need any help!

- That makes it hard.

- Just get rid of the dog!

- That's not gonna happen obviously.

- Please keep your voice down.

- Me keep my voice down?

- Just do it. Just get rid of the dog!

Everybody gets rid of their dogs.

It's just a dog.

And I'm just a husband. You gonna

get rid of me when I misbehave?

- I've thought about it.

- Well, that makes two of us.

- What do you have to complain about?

- What do I-

- Because you're such a joy to be around?

- You're such a jerk.

So nice to walk in the door,

feel like you're joining a chain gang.

Just a jerk!

Stop it! It's your fault.

- You gotta be kidding me?

- Nope.

Just for a couple of days

till things cool down at home.

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