Marley & Me Page #6

It's been re-papered.

Well, good night to ya both.

- And God bless you.

- God bless.

Thank you. You- Bless you.

That was just weird.

Oh, gosh.

Honey, I- I know that we

haven't had sex since-You know.

But I don't think we're breaking

that streak tonight.

No, no. I don't-

I don't want to break

the streak here.

This doesn't feel-

I mean, I think I could...

you know, handle God watching,

and his mother, but-

But not- not this little

porcelain pontiff right here.

It's July, and I think I can see my breath.

- Honey, I can't feel my toes.

- That's not good.

I wanna check on that.

Oh, good God, shush.

It's not the bed. It's the shrieks

of oversexed souls in hell.

Don't you want to join them?

Really?

Mm-hmm.

We don't have to.

I know, but the idea that it hasn't

happened here in 50 years is just-

It's kind of turning me on.

Honey, I missed you.

Marley! Hi, honey.

- Marley.

- Ohh.

Come here.

- We missed you so much.

- Hey, Debby.

There were 11 thunderstorms

while you were gone.

Eleven. And you were right.

He doesn't like thunderstorms.

Wow. Okay. Yeah. Eleven.

That's a lot of thunderstorms.

Oh, and just so you know, I am

a dog person, but that's not a dog.

That is evil with a dog face that is

humping my leg and peeing on your carpet.

- Marley.

- Marley, stop that.

Marley, come on.

It's just thunder. No barking.

Marley, come on.

It's just thunder.

Marley, come on.

Jenny?

Can you help me out here?

I got 20 minutes

to file this column, and I gotta-

Jenny?

- Ah, the luck of the Irish.

- What?

Mmm.

Whoa.

Wow. Whoo.

Aah. Ooh. Oh, God.

John? Honey. John.

John, wake up.

- Yeah?

- It's time.

...comfortable.

Okay, but- Ooh.

- God!

- You all right? You all right?

You okay?

No, it's okay. I'm not gonna hurt her.

Try not to scream,

'cause I don't want him to kill me.

You remembered to install

the car seat this weekend?

- They won't let us take the baby home-

- Right. I wouldn't forget that.

- I know that. I'm sorry.

- You got that?

I got it. I got it.

Yeah, come on, Marley.

Help me out here.

You can chew through drywall, Marley.

This is nothing for you.

Good. Yeah.

You're gonna stay here.

This bone will keep you busy now.

Hopefully, no thunderstorms.

And I'm off like-

Who's your daddy? Come here.

Here's the thing.

In about two minutes

we're gonna bring home the baby...

and you'd be doing me a really

big favor if you didn't freak out.

And I'm gonna try to do the same.

- Are you ready?

- I'm ready. Yes.

Hi. Come here.

Hi, baby. Oh, hi. Hi, sweetie.

Hi, Marley. Oh, come on.

Come here. Okay.

- Marley.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. It would be a bummer if you ate the baby.

- Mmm. Mmm.

- Shh.

- Just, uh-

- Marley, this is Patrick.

Not to be confused with a chew toy.

Although it may look like one.

Say hi. See, honey?

He's not eating the baby.

Very good.

Yeah. No, I have a quote for it right here.

Well, have Legal call them again

and get a release for it.

They told me it was on the record.

I don't- Patrick?

Honey, be careful with those toys.

You know Marley gets-

No, Carla, I'm not talking to you.

Will you just call them

and get a release?

L- I- I'll call you right back.

Call you right back.

Those days are over for us, amigo.

We had a good run though.

Come on, Marley.

I know this is gonna sound crazy...

but what's that thing called

when you owe money on a house?

- It starts with an "M."

- Mortgage.

Mortgage.

Wow. Is it possible

to be this tired?

You know what?

I'm gonna get up with him tonight.

No, you won't.

You don't hear him.

- Yeah. You're right.

- I don't know... why.

I'm just a blessedly sound sleeper.

Honey, I do have to go

into the office tomorrow though.

Will you watch him then for me?

It'll be my pleasure.

- How long are we talking about?

- I don't know.

It's not quite what

you expected, huh?

I don't know what I expected.

- I never thought Marley would seem like the easy one.

- I know.

I know, but you know what?

We adjusted to him,

and we'll adjust to the baby.

I'm just trying

to remember us from before.

You mean those, uh-

Those younger-

- Yeah.

- Sexier, better-looking people?

- Yeah.

- I remember them. I remember them vaguely.

I miss them.

Mmm. They're here.

They're here. They're just really tired.

Mmm?

What? Now you're jealous?

Stay here.

- Call the police.

- Okay.

Hey, hey, hey. Are you all right?

What happened?

He told me not to scream

or he'd stab me, but I screamed.

- But I screamed-

- Okay, now, just sit down. Just sit down.

- And he stabbed me.

- It's all right. That's okay. Hold on.

- Where's your mother?

- At work.

It's okay. It's not that bad.

Keep your hand placed right here.

Okay. Now, I called the police.

Everything's gonna be okay.

You know, in all the time I've lived here,

I've never gotten your name.

- Lisa.

- Okay-

I'm gonna sit right here, Lisa.

You're gonna keep

your hands placed there...

and we're gonna wait

for the police to get here.

And they're gonna take care of this.

All right? Okay?

Look at me. It's all right.

It's all right.

Safest neighborhood?

- In terms of crime, I'd say you're lookin' at Boca.

- Boca?

- Mmm.

- I was afraid you were gonna say that.

- That's the way it is, John.

- Okay. Thanks.

Boca. Not so bad.

You got kids playin'in the street.

I don't know.

What do you guys think? We might

live here one day... if we can afford it.

Here we go.

I got you right there.

Stay. Marley, no.

Marley. Marley.

And don't you love this kitchen?

And look at the state-of-the-art appliances.

My favorite part- the pool. It's-

- Um, why don't we look over here?

- Can I get a brochure?

- Uh, sure.

- Looks nice.

Whose dog is that?

Jenny?

Honey?

Jen?

- Hey, you okay? - Mm-hmm. Yeah. No,

I'm good. Where have you guys been?

- I wanna show you something.

- What?

It's a house. Now, it's a little pricey...

but I think we can do it.

- Boca?

- I know, I know.

But I talked to Frank Bennett on the Metro

desk and he says it's the safest neighborhood.

John, I'm just not sure now

is the right time.

Jen, when do you think is the right time,

after one of us gets stabbed in the driveway?

- John.

- Honey, it's cramped in here.

Remember, this was supposed

to be a three-year house.

I know. I know that. I just don't think

we can afford to buy a new one.

- I know, but, honey, we can. With both

our salaries- - Honey, I'm pregnant.

Really?

- Are you sure?

- Come here.

Pretty sure.

Four for four. Wow.

- Hold on.

- That's great.

- Mm-hmm.

- Congratulations.

- Uh-huh. Come here.

- I mean, to both of us.

Oh.

Oh, yes. Oh, you're such a good boy.

Another baby.

I know. Honey, I think

I have to quit my job.

You don't have to do that.

We can get some help.

I don't want any help.

I really don't.

I just don't-Will you hand me

that pacifier?

- Yeah.

- I just- I don't want to be one of those people...

that sees their child

for an hour at night.

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