Marley & Me Page #5

- Honey, how are you?

- Hi.

I'm just calling to let you know that

there's a naked woman in your bed.

Why don't the two of you get started,

and I'll be there as soon as I can?

Oh, very funny.

But seriously,

can you come home now?

Hey. We're home.

Hi.

You know the baby thing? I've been

thinking, maybe we should take a break.

You know? Obviously it's not working,

and maybe it's nature's way...

of saying now's

not the right timing.

I mean, maybe it's a sign that we're

not quite ready for this, that-

- I mean, have we really thought this-

- John.

I'm pregnant.

- Great.

- Mm-hmm.

Wow. Great. Really?

- Yeah.

- Yes.

You were-You were just saying-

No, don't worry.

That was, like-

It sounds so awkward now,

like I just have this, like...

very, you know, idiotic

soliloquy that doesn't apply...

and I'm really excited.

- Do you want to start over?

- I would love to.

- That would be great. Can we?

- By all means.

Good.

- I'm pregnant.

- What? No!

Yes!

Listen. Don't make

the same mistake I did.

- What?

- There's gonna come a time very soon...

- where her ankles are gonna swell up.

- No, I'm ready for that.

- She's gonna have blotches all over her face.

- Yeah.

She'll be 40 pounds overweight.

- She'll be throwing up all the time.

- I'm not ready for that.

She's gonna look at you

and she's gonna say...

"You bastard. You did this to me. "

What-What happened to the glow?

The-You know, the-

There's no glow. Get her a gift.

That'll dissipate some of the anger.

Uh, earrings, uh, bracelet-

That's thoughtful.

It's a good idea.

- Maybe I'll get on it right now.

- There's a jewelry store on the corner.

- All right.

- Mention my name.

Oh, John.

It's just beautiful.

It's just... beautiful.

Honey, thank you.

You're welcome. I was just

walking by this-Thinking of you-

- Yeah?

- And I saw that in the window and I go...

- "I'm getting this. "

- That's so sweet.

- Yeah, well- Do you like it?

- I love it.

Yeah, well, put it on. Or let me put it on.

I think it's better luck.

- Where'd it go?

- What'd you do with it?

- You just set it down, I thought.

- I just had it.

- Did you drop it?

- No, I put it right here.

It didn't just disappear.

Oh, God.

- Marley. No- Marley, spit it out.

- No, no.

Go to the kitchen. Go to the kitchen.

Marley, I have a treat.

Come here.

Stay. Marley, stay.

Good boy. Yeah.

Marley!

Marley!

Come here, Marley.

Geez.

- Marley, drop it.

- Marley.

- Marley.

- Is it there? Oh, honey, I don't see it.

Marley, you gotta

lay off the mangoes.

You know, years ago,

when I imagined my life...

somehow standing in the backyard...

hosing down your crap, looking

for my wife's swallowed, recycled...

ass-kissing gift

never jumped to mind.

Which shows you gotta dream big...

'cause- Oh. Jackpot.

My, that's a lovely necklace. So shiny.

- Yes, it is.

- And how's that crazy dog of yours?

I read your columns every week.

- Oh.

- Oh. So you're the one.

I think you'll get a kick out of next week's column.

The heartbeat'll be very fast-

Like a little train. That's normal.

Is it- Is it too early

to tell the sex?

L- Not that I care.

Can be male, female-

Whatever sex he wants.

Unambiguous genitalia...

- if I had my druthers, but-

- Shh. Hang on.

Sometimes you can't hear it, depending

on how the baby's lying.

- You're 10 weeks, right?

- Monday I'll be 10 weeks.

Hmm. Well, might be

a little too early for that.

Let's go right to the sonogram.

Did you bring your blank tape?

- Oh, yes.

- Yes. Yes.

- That's warm.

- Mm-hmm.

- Let's get a good picture for you first, huh?

- Okay.

It'll be right up

on the monitor here.

Excuse me. I'll be just a minute.

- Hey, guys.

- Hi.

Let's take a look

at your baby, shall we?

All right.

Is there anything in there?

Not what you would expect

to see at 10 weeks.

I'm not- I'm not quite 10 weeks.

At Monday it's still,

I guess, nine weeks.

Nine weeks.

There's no heartbeat, Jen.

I'm very, very sorry.

These things-They happen sometimes.

We don't know why.

You're young. You have your health.

Couple months,

you guys can try again.

I'm sorry. All right, I'm gonna-

I'll leave you guys alone for a moment

and we'll talk some more.

I'm very sorry.

Well, in a couple months

we can try again, okay?

You want some tea?

You know what I was thinking-

That we, uh-

We still have those tickets

from your parents...

for the honeymoon in Ireland.

We could finally do that.

Maybe take some time off.

Jenny?

- Oh, he's... big.

- Oh, yeah. He's a hundred pounds.

- Now, he just wants to say hello here.

- Yeah.

- He loves people.

- Just be calm. You just stay still.

And you're a dog person, right?

- Actually, I'm-

- Ready? Here we go.

Go on, you can say hello.

No, no, don't let him do that.

Sorry. Sorry.

All you have to do is-

You just knee him if he does that.

That shouldn't happen all the time.

Just when you walk through the door.

But here, read this. This'll tell you

everything you need to know.

- I've got the bags here.

- Have you got everything?

- Thank you. Come on, honey.

- Can you get that door?

- I got it.

- Okay. Here we are.

- Honey, we're really late.

- Oh! Marley. Marley.

Debby, welcome to our home.

Marley is a spirited dog

who loves interaction.

We've never left him before,

but we are sure he'll behave...

just as he does when we're at home.

There arejust a few things about

Marley you're gonna need to know.

He eats three times a day.

Lfhe looks starved, feed him again.

Now, of course, all of this food

is gonna have to go somewhere...

so use the blue pooper scooper,

and watch your step.

Don't worry about the color.

He likes mangoes.

Marley is not allowed

to drink out of the toilet...

so be sure to keep the lid closed...

and the brick on the lid.

You know, actually,

you might want...

tojust keep the bathroom door

shut in general.

Like most dogs, Marley

needs a lot of exercise...

so try to take him for a walk or a run

every morning and every evening.

Marley, let go!

Let go. Let go. Let go.

Aaah! Marley, no!

And be sure to lock the doors

and windows before you go to sleep.

Shoo! Shoo!

But don't worry.

Marley is an excellent watchdog.

You can rest easy at night

knowing he's on thejob.

Thunderstorms are his weak point.

You can give him sedatives

if you think a storm is arriving.

Okay. Here you go. Marley.

Marley, come back here.

He doesn't like them, so push them

down his throat as far as they go.

Welcome. Welcome.

I'm Mrs. Butterly.

Now finally, we do not allow Marley

to get up on any piece of furniture...

chew on anything except his toys.

Other than that, enjoy him.

Love, Jenny and John.

We serve tea every day at 4:00,

and dinner at 6:
00 sharp.

Oh, and these blankets are woolen.

Good heat in 'em.

- So-So they're electric?

- Oh, not in this house.

My brother died in a fire,

God rest his soul.

In this room, actually.

Oh, not to worry.

Rate this script:4.6 / 5 votes