Mars Attacks!

Hey, howdy there, Mr. Lee.

What is this? Filipino New Year's?

No. Why you say that?

Because you're cooking up a feast.

I can smell it all the way

from the interstate.

What is that? Barbecue?

Oh, yeah. But it not coming from here.

What is that noise?

Daddy!

-- Daddy!

- Daddy!

What is your take on this, Jerry?

The people are gonna love it,

Mr. President.

Our only conflict is whether we ambush

the 6:
00 news or hold out for prime time.

Screw the press.

This is a need-to-know situation.

We should make it top secret...

...and move in right away

with DEFCON 4.

Mr. President, we cannot sit on this.

General Casey, do you have an opinion?

Well, sir, do we know they're hostile?

What do you mean,

"do we know they're hostile?"

They have our planet surrounded

with thousands of warships.

Do we know they're warships?

Professor, what do we know about them?

We know they're extremely advanced

technologically...

...which suggests, very rightfully so,

that they're peaceful.

An advanced civilization is,

by definition, not barbaric.

Mr. President, this is a great day.

I and all my colleagues

are extremely excited.

Good.

Extraterrestrial life.

You're right, Jerry.

The people are gonna love it.

This is a momentous occasion.

-Mr. President, we have to act--

- We'll go all media on this.

I'll wear my blue Cerruti suit.

And, Jerry, I'll need a good speech.

Statesman-like...

...historical and yet warm and neighborly.

Abraham Lincoln meets Leave It to Beaver.

You know the sort of thing. Heh.

Yes, sir.

Are they too old-fashioned?

- Yes.

No, I don't think so.

This has got the colors, but no.

I don't think so.

-- Not vivid enough.

- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

-Nancy had this in the library, didn't she?

-Yes, indeed.

I don't think so.

I thought perhaps the watered silk.

And this week it's on sale.

I hardly think I need worry about that.

My husband is the leader

of the free world.

What do you think, Taffy?

Why don't you leave the Roosevelt Room

the way the Roosevelts wanted it?

Because Eleanor Roosevelt

was too fond of chintz. That's why.

Mother, this isn't your house.

Taffy, if you're going to be a pest,

I'm going to ignore you.

-Mrs. Dale?

-Yes?

-I saw you fight Sonny Liston in '69.

-Really?

-You mean, you were a nun back then?

-Oh, yes.

We've always been fight fans,

haven't we, sisters?

Byron Williams, telephone.

-Byron Williams....

-That's me. I gotta go.

You ladies have a nice time, all right?

Thank you.

-- Yeah?

- Byron?

Oh, Louise.

I'm sorry I have to call you at work.

The boys haven't been home in two nights

and I don't know what to do.

Listen, you're doing the best you can.

They're just at that age.

Louise, the casino manager's

giving me the evil eye. I've gotta go.

I'll call you later, okay?

Hey, are you still cool on me

coming to Washington?

Sure. Of course I am.

You take care, okay? Bye.

Ahh....

Do you have to drink in front of me?

You're an adult. Just cope.

It doesn't help me

that all we ever do is sit around in bars.

Hey. This is work, baby, okay?

I'm checking the decor,

the lighting, the traffic flow.

If I'd known you'd turn into a crook,

I never would have married you.

I'm not a crook.

I'm ambitious. There's a difference.

And if you think you can make

a nickel in this town...

...without knowing how to dally

around a few curves, well...

...you don't know doodlysquat

about the gaming industry.

Oh, Art.

Galaxy's gonna be

the best hotel in Vegas.

The best. I promise.

Don't you realize what you're doing?

Destroying the Earth.

All this greed. This money system.

You're destroying everything.

Okay, okay, Barbara. Okay.

Keep your voice down.

I got friends here.

Sugar. Hit me one more time.

-Stop flirting with the waitress.

-Oh, God. Here.

Go on over to the roulette...

...play our anniversary...

...and stay off of black.

Thanks, honey.

Yeah?

Make it quick.

We go out live in 10 minutes.

What? The actual president?

What do you mean, "cutting in"?

Budget negotiations may be dead

in the water after this week.

Hair looks good.

I like the hair.

--quote, "factually challenged."

Griffin says....

Yeah, Stone. Speak.

Jason, hi, it's me.

You wearing a bra?

Listen, this is big. President Dale

is cutting into my show today.

That's absurd. Why would he stoop

to being on Today in Fashion?

He's interrupting everybody.

I don't know, it's some sort of

emergency announcement or something.

This doesn't make sense.

He should be talking to us.

White House is coming out live.

Good evening, my fellow Americans.

I apologize for interrupting

your regular programs...

...but I have a very important

announcement to make.

Many important things have happened

to me in my life:

My graduation from Princeton...

...the day that Marsha said

she would be my wife...

...the birth of our daughter, Taffy.

Thanks, Dad.

And the news that I have heard today...

-...ranks right up there.

-Thank you.

A powerful memory is in the making.

Not just for me...

...but for all mankind.

Today, an extraordinary discovery

was made by the Hubble telescope.

The data from the Hubble was decoded...

...then analyzed

by the most powerful computers at MIT.

The images are undeniable.

We are entering the dawn of a new era.

Frame enlargements

provide an astonishing sight.

A fleet of vehicles,

which can best be described as...

...flying saucers.

Come on. Come on.

Papa needs a new pair of shoes.

Hey!

Hey, am I the only one

shooting craps here?

--we will have

- the opportunity to meet with them.

I feel this is the perfect summation

to the 20th century....

Martians.

This is great.

Please come to Earth. Please.

We need you.

I got people coming in.

Everybody wants to be a part of this.

Galaxy's gonna be world-class.

And soon...

...we will become one solar system.

What the hell is he talking about?

These flying saucers

have come from the planet Mars...

-...and at their current course and speed....

-Oh. Hey.

Listen, Hoss. I've been thinking about

Martians when there wasn't no Martians.

It is profoundly moving

to know there is intelligent life out there.

Glad they got it somewhere.

And our world will never feel

quite the same again.

Good night...

...and God bless you all.

This...

...is intense.

Shut up, Poppy. Shut up.

Shut up.

Jason Stone.

It's for you.

Poppy, honey. No, sweetie.

That's right. Shh. Good girl. Yeah?

Yeah. Well, I could be there at...

...I don't know, 11.

Okay, bye-bye.

Yes?

Oh, they want me to go interview

that professor from the White House.

Kessler?

-Donald Kessler?

-Yeah, I think that was his name.

You know, the science guy.

This is nuts, this is....

We should have got that guy.

Well, I can't help it

if your people are too slow.

Right, Poppy?

-Finished!

-One minute, 57 seconds.

-Ha-ha! Didn't I tell you under two minutes?

-You did.

You did. I'm so proud of you.

-Hey, Ma, you want a doughnut?

-How old are they?

Fresh-baked Monday.

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