Mars Attacks! Page #2

Richie, that's six days ago.

Okay, give me a couple.

Hey, this Martian thing

is pretty awesome, huh?

Did any one of you traitors

see my Muffy?

Your brother's gonna volunteer.

As soon as I get back to the base.

-Volunteer for what, Billy Glenn?

-Martian detail.

-Uh-huh.

-Cool.

If any of them Martians

come around here...

...I'm gonna kick their butts.

Heh-heh-heh.

Jump!

Excuse me, folks,

but we gotta make an unscheduled stop.

It's Mama.

What are you doing here? Huh?

If you ain't home, why ain't you in class?

-Mama, class was canceled.

-Class was not canceled.

-Come here. Come here.

-For what?

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Now, come here.

Let go of him.

Okay. Now, just come here.

Come here.

Think it's smart to cut school?

-What are you doing?

-Do you? Do you? Huh? Huh?

-No.

-"No, Mama." It's dumb.

-- You're gonna flunk and go to jail.

- No.

Get your butt on the bus.

Get on that bus, boy.

I'll be tripping all over you.

Get back there.

-- I don't want to hear another word.

- I hate school.

I heard that.

Hi.

-Hi there.

- Want a date?

- - How about it?

A date?

Sounds good.

The stress at work is...

...unbelievable.

Mr. Bava, can I speak to you in private?

No, I gotta watch the floor.

What do you want, Byron?

-I'm supporting my family back East.

-I thought you were divorced.

Well, I am,

but I still have to take care of them.

Anyway, look. Things have been

a little lean around here...

...and I was wondering

if I could get a raise?

-Out of the question.

-Mr. Bava, I'm an asset to this hotel.

-I mean, they like me around here.

-Byron, you're a nice guy.

But I can get Leon Spinks or Buster Douglas

for the same money, maybe less.

You better get moving.

You're on in five minutes.

This show's gonna get

a hell of a rating.

It's all yours, Ian.

--language you choose to employ,

and in certain circumstances...

...the proposition that two and two

equals five...

...is entirely legitimate.

Call me Nathalie.

And you, do please call me Donald.

I've always admired your show.

Really? You like my work?

Yes. Very much.

Why....

Why, thank you.

Coming out of commercial.

In five, four, three, two....

Welcome back. We're speaking

with Professor Donald Kessler.

He's the chairman

of the American Academy of Astronautics.

Professor...

...isn't it weird that we sent

a space probe to Mars...

...and we didn't even find anyone?

Well, not really, Nathalie...

...because we didn't get into the canals.

The Martian canals are actually canyons.

Some of them are over 100 miles deep.

The Martian civilization

has clearly developed...

...under the surface of the planet.

Their science and technology

must be absolutely mind-boggling.

So, what, in your view, Donald Kessler...

...chairman, are some of the things

that the Martians can teach us, professor?

Quite a lot about Mars, I expect, Nathalie.

She's flirting with him.

Ahem. But seriously,

this is tremendously exciting.

Think of it. The knowledge, new ideas.

It's gonna change everything.

And we must be open to it.

Maybe they can tell us

about our universe.

How it started. Where it's going.

Perhaps even its purpose.

It's tremendously exciting.

This is the most important thing to happen

since Jesus walked in Galilee.

Oh, Christ. What's wrong with the picture?

Go to Camera 2!

I can't. It's busted.

Well, then go to 1. Go to 4.

He just copped a feel.

Now what?

What's that?

So that's a Martian.

That's a Martian?

-Oh, my God.

-Yikes.

I'm not gonna have that thing

in my house.

Sweetie, we may have to. The people

will expect me to meet with them.

Well, they're not gonna eat off

the Van Buren china.

Oh, look at that brain.

He must be real smart.

It's gross.

Don't forget, Nathalie...

...that we will look equally gross to him.

Whoa. He made the international sign

of the doughnut.

From the limited information available,

I've made three extrapolations.

One, our Martian friend

is a carbon-based life form.

Two, he breathes nitrogen.

And three,

the large cerebrum here indicates...

...telepathic potential.

You mean they can read our thoughts?

-Potentially, yes.

-What about their intentions?

Are they a friendly people?

Logic dictates that given their extremely

high level of technical development...

...they're an advanced culture...

...therefore, peaceful and enlightened.

The human race, on the other hand...

...is an aggressively dangerous species.

Now, I suspect they have

more to fear from us...

...than we from them.

-Doctor.

-Thank you, professor.

For many years,

I've been refining a translating computer.

The results are not perfect...

...but this may answer

some of your questions.

All green of skin...

...800 centuries ago.

Their bodily fluids

include the birth of half-breeds.

-How many centuries did he say?

-Eight hundred, sir.

--self-determination of the cosmos.

For dark is the suede

that mows like a harvest.

What the hell does that mean?

-Hey, Mitch.

-Good morning, miss.

I'm sorry, you can't come this way.

There's a tour in progress.

Oh.

Hello, my name is Barbara.

Hello, Barbara.

I am an alcoholic,

but I haven't had a drink in three months.

Thank you.

I'm feeling so optimistic

because of the Martians.

We're not alone in the universe.

And it's so perfect...

...that it's happening at the beginning

of the new millennium.

Our planet was suffering

with the ozone and the rain forest...

...and so many people

unhappy in their lives.

And then the Martians heard

our global karmic cry for help.

People say they're ugly...

...but I think they've come

to show us the way.

I think they've come to save us.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

You be careful, baby, okay?

Don't get yourself killed.

Oh, ain't she cute?

-Son, we're real proud of you.

-Thanks, Dad.

Let me take this.

-So long, bro.

-So long, retard.

Just don't be touching none of my stuff

while I'm gone.

Bye-bye, Grandma.

Goodbye, Thomas.

It's Billy Glenn, Grandma.

I know. Thomas. Ha-ha-ha.

Bye-bye, honey.

I got to go.

All right.

I love you, baby.

Adios.

Be careful, boy.

Bye-bye.

Well, he'll be all right.

-I hope so.

-Army trains them good.

Well, he's gone for a while.

Oh, Richie, why can't you be more

like your brother?

Darling, we got plumb lucky

with Billy Glenn.

Can't expect the same luck twice.

Richie, want to make yourself

useful for a change?

-Sure, Dad.

-Take Grandma back to the home.

Grandma, I bet you never thought you'd

live to see the Martians coming to Earth.

It's pretty far out, huh?

Just think of all the crazy stuff

you must have seen in your lifetime.

I bet people were pretty scared

when they invented the train.

Come on, kid, I'm not that old.

Grandma, are you okay?

I want to see Slim.

I want to see Slim...

...and Muffy and Richie.

Grandma, I'm Richie.

I know, Thomas.

Richie was always the best one.

The president is talking

to other world leaders.

They're preparing a list of issues

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