Mars Attacks! Page #3

of common interest to discuss.

There is a unilateral, concerted,

diplomatic effort being made.

-Jason.

-Yeah, Jerry, thanks.

If the Martians land,

will the press have access?

Can we do interviews?

Well, I mean, that depends.

You know,

we'd have to establish contact...

...work out whatever

communication problems...

...establish a parameter for talks. Then

I guess we just see what happens. Heh-heh.

Oh, here's the president.

Good morning.

It's nice to see you all again.

I just have a few minutes for questions,

so let's get started.

Mr. President!

Do the Martians have two sexes,

like we do?

From Hollywood, we bring

you The Lawrence Welk Show.

Now, here he is, Mr. Music-Maker himself,

Lawrence Welk.

This pussycat

is the most beautiful pussycat...

...in the whole world.

That's my Muffy.

Mwah.

Richie, didn't you ever have

a pussycat of your own?

Sure, Grandma.

Music.

-There you go.

-Thank you.

Hey, Grandma, you gonna be okay?

If you need anything,

any doughnuts or anything...

...give me a call, all right?

Bye.

Will you answer too

How do, Byron?

Looks like you ain't got no wheels.

Come on, get in.

I'm gonna do you a favor, Byron.

I owe you one. I made a ton of money

on your last fight in '73.

The Quaker in Jamaica.

Heh. I'm glad somebody did.

Yeah, I know, I know.

It's rough on jocks.

Get to a certain age,

opportunities dry up.

So here's the deal.

I got this chump, owes me a lot of money,

needs a wake-up call.

What I'd like for you to do is...

...use that patented left hook on him.

Just in the ring, Art, you know?

Just in the ring.

Yeah, I'm hip, I'm hip...

...but I'll give you two grand.

When you're done...

...all you gotta do is mosey on by the office

and pick up the cash.

Why you wanna come at me

that way, Art?

You know I'm trying to

get back with my wife.

We used to have problems

with that same kind of sh*t.

I've changed, man.

I found Allah, I don't eat pork,

and I'm a better man.

I faced that demon.

I don't want him coming out again.

You gave up pork.

General, they're sending coordinates.

-Where are they landing?

-Pahrump. It's in the Nevada desert.

Yes, sir. I can have my troops there

at 0800 hours, sir.

Mr. President, we must not send

these people the wrong message.

We need a welcome mat,

not a row of tanks.

What the hell are you talking about?

You can't have Martians

running all over Nevada!

-You're right, general.

-Thank you, sir.

The situation needs to be supervised.

Absolutely, sir.

General Casey...

...you think you can handle it?

I'd be proud.

Good, but keep a lid on it.

Key media, good cross-section of guests.

We don't want it

to turn into a zoo out there.

Yes, sir.

They don't know what the hell

they're talking about.

Liberals, intellectuals...

...peacemongers, idiots!

Would you please keep it down?

People live here.

General Casey.

Yes, I get to greet the Martian ambassador.

Isn't that great?

Oh, it's a hell of an honor.

But didn't I always tell you, honey...

...if I just stayed in place

and never spoke up...

...good things were bound to happen?

Yeah. Okay.

I want the Martians to be treated

like foreign dignitaries.

I want your men alert and majestic...

...with a snap in their step.

This has got to look good.

The whole world is watching.

Yes, sir.

Are you positive

this thing is gonna work?

Positively positive.

We don't want any slip-ups.

No, no, no. Not at all. No.

Hey, Poppy. All these people...

...all of them here to see you.

Mm-mwah.

There's Jason, Poppy.

Hi, Jason!

Hi.

Jason.

Hi. Yoo-hoo.

All right, let's go.

The teeming masses have gathered

from who knows how many states...

...waiting and watching.

Why have they come?

Curiosity? Or is it something more?

Or is it simply to say, "I was there"?

"I was there when first man...

...met Martian."

Jason Stone, GNN, Pahrump.

Give them room.

That's it. Give them room.

It is an awesome sight.

The giant spacecraft glinting...

...in the Nevada sun like a giant...

...hubcap.

Something's happening.

Doorway is opening.

A silver ramp is coming out...

...like a giant tongue. Oh.

Gee whiz.

Rusty. Shh.

Martians.

Funny little critters, ain't they?

Well?

Wait a moment.

Greetings. I am the Martian ambassador.

Everything is fixed now, general.

You may speak.

Greetings. I am General Casey...

...commanding officer of the armed forces

of the United States of America.

On behalf of the people of Earth,

welcome.

He did that well.

We come in peace.

We come in peace. We come in peace.

They came in peace.

We come in peace.

Open fire!

Whoa!

What the hell is this?

Nathalie!

Die, you alien shithead!

Uh-oh.

I surrender.

No, that ain't happening.

That didn't happen.

Nathalie.

Aah!

Holy mother of God.

Did you see that?

We should hit these a**holes

with everything we got, sir.

Sir, Mr. President,

I know this seems terrible...

...but let's not be too rash.

We should nuke them now, sir.

We must establish

a line of communication first.

Why not set up a town hall?

We can get the public's opinion.

What do you think, Marsha?

Kick the crap out of them.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...this could be

a cultural misunderstanding.

Yeah. Maybe to them, doves mean war.

We all saw how they reacted

to that dove.

It frightened them.

He did say that...

..."We come in peace."

Yes.

The new computer's ready,

Mr. President.

Okay, let's do it.

I know we're making the right decision.

Ready to transmit.

This is the president

of the United States.

I'm speaking to you in the hope...

...that what happened earlier today

in the Nevada desert...

...was a cultural misunderstanding.

There can be no doubt

that we two peoples...

...have a great deal to offer one another.

You must be as excited as we...

...to find intelligent life

in the solar system.

And let me make it clear:

You have nothing to fear from us.

Our customs may be strange to you...

...but we mean no harm.

When the investors fly in...

...I would like for them each

to be met by a limo.

Top-of-the-line cars...

...leather interiors...

...Corinthian, if they got it.

Art, are you still spinning your wheels

on that cockamamie hotel?

-Whoa.

-Hello.

The Martians have attacked.

This was no misunderstanding.

I was there. I saw it.

Look, you're worried about yesterday.

But I'm worried about tomorrow.

The Martians land on Earth,

they're gonna need a place to stay.

Just like everybody else.

My God.

Maybe we should all be destroyed.

The human race doesn't deserve to live.

Ethel, that reminds me.

I would like for every limo to be stocked...

...with every kind of alcohol

known to man.

And top it off

with a bottle of Dom on ice.

What confounds me most of all,

gentlemen, is the lack of genitalia.

And of course down here we have the aorta.

Up here we have the sphinx.

Notice the highly developed

cranial nerve system here.

This explains, of course,

the cerebral arteries.

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