Marvellous

This is my story.

Right.

My, my, my, Delilah.

Why, why, why, Delilah?

I could see that girl was no good for me

but I was lost like a slave

that no man could free.

I saw the light on the night

that I passed by her window.

I saw the flickering shadow

of love on her blind.

She was my woman.

As she betrayed me I watched

and went out of my mind.

My, my, my, Delilah.

Why, why, why, Delilah?

I could see that girl was no good for me

but I was lost like a slave

that no man could free.

At break of day when that man

drove away, I was waiting.

I crossed the street to her

house and she opened the door.

She stood there laughing.

I felt the knife in my hand

and she laughed no more.

My, my, my, Delilah.

Why, why, why, Delilah?

So before they come to

break down the door

forgive me Delilah,

I just couldn't take any more.

Mr Capello?

Mr Capello, my pay's short.

Well, you're short so now you match.

I mean, it's supposed to

be 25 and it's not 25.

- So sue me.

- It's supposed to be 25 and it's not.

You're more than welcome to go and

see if Zippo's will pay you any more.

Now, beggar off. We're on.

Well, what about... cooking?

Cooking? Definitely no cooking.

What, no cooking?

I told you!

No cooking even with a frying pan?

I told you, no cooking!

Alright, it's a deal. No cooking.

Alright, now f*** off.

Nello, ladies and gentlemen!

Can I help you?

Yes, I'm a friend of the Bishop.

And... which Bishop would that be?

Bishop of Keele. Bishop of Lichfield.

And the Archbishop of Canterbury

is also a very good friend of mine.

Could you give me a lift?

Of course, of course.

Where would you need a lift to, exactly?

Stoke-on-Trent.

Right. Well, that's quite a drive!

It is, yes. Thank you.

- I didn't necessarily say that I'd...

- Have you had your breakfast?

- I have indeed.

- Oh. I haven't.

Very nice of you to ask. Thanks.

Right.

Yes.

Ok.

Ok, thank you.

I can take you as far as Dumfries

and then your mum has arranged for your

local vicar to come and get you from there.

Marvellous.

You've got a tow bar, haven't you?

A tow bar?

Why would I need a tow bar?

Is there any more toast?

Should he be wandering around

the country on his own like this?

He's clearly got special

needs of some sort.

Well, he doesn't have much

trouble finding help.

In fact, he seems positively

blessed in that regard.

Is he in the habit of doing this?

Well, he does seem to view the Church

as being some sort of ecclesiastical AA.

Oh.

He says he's a good friend

of the Bishop of Lichfield.

Yes, that's true.

And the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Well, if Neil says he knows someone,

then he usually does.

How does he get to know them?

By being Neil.

Thanks!

Oh, that's quite alright.

Er, would you mind signing

this before you go?

A Bible?

Are you sure? Slightly irregular.

Thanks.

No, not the front.

Er, that's for Bishops and Archbishops.

There's space above that

for regular clergy.

Right.

So there is.

I've got them all in there.

Desmond Tutu, Terry Waite...

Rowan Williams, Jimmy Greenhoff...

I wasn't aware Jimmy

Greenhoff had been ordained!

He hasn't.

He scored 76 goals in 274

games for Stoke City.

- He was marvellous.

- Right, right, well...

There you are.

Thanks. Thank you.

Your mum'll be pleased to see you.

I bet she will.

I'll be pleased to see her.

The truth is,

she's not been so well lately.

Right.

And I know it's hard to

think about these things

but your mum's not getting any younger.

No, she's not.

None of us are.

And that's life.

So we have to make the most of it.

Hiya, Mum.

Oh, there's a sight for sore eyes.

Let me have a look at you.

So how have you been keeping without

me to keep any eye on you, like?

I've been tip-top, me. Tip-top.

It's a robin.

Oh, he's back, is he?

He was here last week.

I bet he missed you.

Bet he did.

That's why he's come back.

Neil, love.

When I let you join that circus,

you said they'd look after you.

They did look after me.

Just that one ringmaster

took against me.

It only takes one.

I'm nice to people and

people are nice to me.

And if they're not nice to me,

then they're all the people who are.

I won't be here forever.

Don't talk like that.

Well, we all die one day, Neil.

Until Jesus returns

and raises his sleeping

followers from death

and grants immortality to the faithful.

So there you are then.

Jesus 1, Mary Baldwin 0.

I want to know that you

can look after yourself

when I'm not here to do it any more.

Don't get taken advantage of.

- Hold down a job.

- I've got a job.

- You've been sacked.

- A new job.

At the university.

Oh, that's lovely.

When did they offer you this?

Tomorrow.

When you first came to

Keele were you nervous?

I'm never nervous.

Hello. I'm Neil Baldwin.

- Welcome to Keele University.

- Hello.

I'm Neil Baldwin.

- Welcome to Keele University.

- Alright?

Hello. I'm Neil Baldwin.

- Welcome to Keele University.

- Hiya.

Hello. I'm Neil Baldwin.

Welcome to Keele University.

Hiya. I'm Malcolm. Stoke City fan?

I am, yes. Very much so.

- Are you?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I am.

So, do you work here, do you?

Yes, I think I do.

Ta.

...an explanation for perceptual error.

The example of the Phantom Limb is a

pretty strong refutation of the notion

that our perception of reality and external

reality are one and the same thing...

...Enjoy yourself while

you're still in the pink.

The years go by as swiftly as a wink.

Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself,

it's later than you think!

Is that a chaffinch?

What exactly is it that

you do up there, Neil?

At the university?

It is a chaffinch, you know.

It's got wing bars.

Neil Baldwin.

As much as I love birds, I will not be

knocked off-course by plumage talk.

What are you doing there, at Keele?

All sorts.

And what does it pay, this 'all sorts'?

Look at the birds of the air.

They neither sow, nor reap

nor gather into barns.

Yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.

When I started work, I read

my Bible every dinner break.

And they made fun of me.

They called me Holy Mary.

I could be a vicar,

then I'd be Holy Neil.

Is that why you don't want a normal job?

Because you're worried

they'll pick on you?

I like the Church of England.

I like performing.

I believe in God.

That does put you three up on most of the

Church of England clergy I've encountered.

But there are other

things you need, Neil.

Bifocals.

I was thinking qualifications.

- You alright, Nello?

- Hiya, Steve.

Wigan on Saturday!

Who's that?

Steve. He's a very good friend of mine.

You've never mentioned him before?

Well... I only met him yesterday.

Well, the good news is they are looking

for pot dippers at Susie Cooper's.

I used to work for Susie Cooper's.

I was the recipient of many a

compliment on my eye for colour.

I think our Neil's got the same.

Thank you, but it's not

what I'm looking for.

What are you looking for?

What would you like to do, Neil?

I'd like to manage Stoke City.

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