Marvellous Page #2

Or be a vicar. Either is fine.

I'm flexible.

Ok. And... what are you qualified to do?

I helped the students out at Keele.

And I'm a registered clown.

Are you indeed?

What have you gone and

brought that here for?

That's Nello.

Did you do this?

Just look at that paintwork!

Not a million miles away from ceramics.

That's right, he's a dab hand.

It's an egg of, with your make

up on, and it's registered.

You can sue anyone who

steals your make up.

I don't think Elaine wants

to hear about all that now.

And are there any openings

in the circus right now?

Not at the moment, no.

Charlie Cairoli's a very

good friend of mine.

I've got his number, if you'd like it.

Just say Neil said to ring him.

- I meant for you.

- 0272...

Neil!

Sorry. He does go off on

tangents now and then.

But you don't think

he has any vacancies?

For you.

No.

That's why I mentioned the

vicaring or football manager.

Doesn't have to be Stoke,

but I draw the line at Port Vale.

There are schemes to

help people into work

who otherwise might have...

difficulties.

Why are you telling me that?

Fruit Pastilles do not count

as fruit and you know it.

You'll be turning me

vegetarian if I'm not careful.

If in doubt when I'm not here,

ask Doris on the till.

She'll tell you what's

healthy and what's not.

Doris?

She doesn't look all that well to me.

She can keep an eye out for you.

Looks like I should be

keeping an eye on her.

Oh, for goodness' sake! All I want to know

is you can stand on your own two feet!

It's more than my life's worth, Neil.

I thought eggs were good for you.

Mary, you alright, duck?

Yes, yes.

Just the price of these tinned peaches.

Taken the wind right out of me.

Neil.

I have been praying very hard

about this, and you know what?

I think you're ready for

a place of your own.

I've got a place of my own. This place.

A place of your very own.

Not too far away. A little flat.

Move out?

Of my home?

Well, somewhere nice, you know

where you can start

to be more... independent

and manage, you know.

But I do manage.

When have I ever gone without?

Do you think it's God's will?

Well, that's a difficult one,

but I think it might be, yes.

Not my mum's will?

I think on this occasion,

as is so often the case

your mother's will and God's will

might be one and the same thing.

Is that the choir?

Yes. Are you joining?

We're still short of baritones.

I'd love to help you out more but

I've got a lot of stuff to do.

Oh, really? Like what?

I'm behind on my bird-watching.

The Gerry Cottle Circus are in town.

I'm writing an extra verse

for the Lord's Prayer.

You're not joking, are you?

There's still half your Stoke

City programmes up there.

I'll come back for them.

All grown up? My Neil.

Don't worry, Mum. I'll not forget you.

This is very kind of you, Malcolm.

Give to him who asks you. And from him

who wants to borrow do not turn away.

Matthew:
5.

Oh, I wouldn't say no to half

a lager at the student union.

Malcolm:
1.

You alright, Neil?

Yes. Let's get this over with.

We'll have it dark.

Here, Malcolm.

Ok.

Don't know how all that came loose.

Not got an eagle in there, have you?

What do you think of that?

What's the Neil Baldwin football

club when it's at home?

My own team.

Picked by me, managed by me,

captained by me.

- At least you can't be dropped.

- Exactly.

You're Vice President.

Am I? Right. Not President then?

Gary Lineker is President. I'm just going

to write to him to tell him the good news.

In other news,

Stoke City have announced...

the departure of their manager,

Graham Paddon

after just 18 games in charge.

The club's board thanked him for

his hard work and dedication

and have said they'll act quickly

to find a replacement...

Come in, Mark.

Thank you for coming.

I'd use my own minister but he

tends to be more in demand.

It is addressed to Neil.

I can see that. That's what worries me.

Remember that misunderstanding around

the payment for the coach hire?

I do.

It cast a long shadow over

the Alzheimer's picnic.

He isn't terribly good with money.

And who can forget what

Paul reminded us in Romans?

Indeed.

Owe no one anything except

to love each other.

I'm not sure that can be applied directly

to contemporary financial transactions.

I want you to steam open the envelope

and tell me what's inside it.

I don't know about that.

Well, I'm a Christadelphian

but you're Church of England.

How's that relevant?

Well, firstly, Neil is Church of England so,

spiritually speaking, he is of your flock.

And secondly, I think of

the Church of England

as having a less rigorous

moral code than my own.

What's he going to do when I'm

not here to look after him?

We can appoint trustees.

And he seems to manage.

He has his adventures and...

How much is it for?

You might want to bear in mind you're

talking to a woman with an enlarged aorta.

When was your last check-up?

800.

Oh, I should never

have let him move out!

- This is my fault.

- No, Mary!

I'm sure there's a way of

paying this by instalments.

- I'll go over and see him right now.

- No, he's not there!

He's gone up to London.

Right.

On parliamentary business, so he said.

Where are you going, mate?

House of Commons.

Figures.

Is Tony Benn in today?

Couldn't tell you that, sir.

Well, could you not find out

if he's clocked on or not?

I can't move from here, I'm afraid.

Could you leave him this note?

I'm a friend of his son, Stephen's,

from Keele University.

Thanks.

Did you really meet him?

Yes.

He was very nice to me.

Poor Tony.

Poor Tony, yes.

Did you mention our drains to him?

He was very busy.

They've not been right since next door

did that paella for their ruby wedding.

No.

They were going to go barbeque

but the forecast was for low

pressure from the east.

800! That's not right.

No, it's not right, Neil.

It's not right at all!

I buy an electric stamp, every week,

from the Post Office. 5.

Neil, that only pays off 60.

This is the electricity

you've actually used.

How do you even begin to use this much?

I pay a fiver a week.

I buy a stamp. Ask the

woman at the Post Office.

How do you use that much?

I don't.

The budgies do.

I have to keep them warm, don't I?

Please tell me you don't have that two-bar

electric fire on all day and night?

Why shouldn't I?

I pay it. I buy a stamp.

I've got it in a book somewhere.

- How are we going to find 800?

- Don't worry, Mum.

Neil, love.

The whole point of you moving out was

so you could learn to manage these things.

I'll pay it off when I

get the Stoke City job.

There is no Stoke City job.

They appointed Lou Macari as the

new manager this dinnertime.

Then I'll go and see him.

First thing tomorrow.

And Lou Macari's going to pay

your electricity bill, is he?

I wouldn't have thought so.

Why would he do that?

God bless Dad. Look after him.

And God bless Mum.

And let her not worry any more.

God bless the students.

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