Marvellous Page #3

And God bless Norman Barrett MBE,

of Zippo's Circus.

God bless Gordon Banks.

God bless...

Ken Dodd.

And God bless Lou Macari

and help him in his task to return

Stoke City to the top division.

Amen.

Or to the play-offs, at least.

For like Job we have

been sorely destined.

Why, why, why, Delilah?

So before...

- You can take us up, Lou.

- I hope so. I really hope so.

No, I mean I know you will.

Aye, good, great. Aye. Top man.

I told my vicar he'll make Bishop one day,

and I'll be right about that too.

Aye, right, great.

That's... that's great.

- Macari!

- Macari!

Not been waiting out

there all day, have you?

I have, yeah.

In case you needed me, like.

That's very good of you,

but have you not got work to do?

I'm out of work at the moment.

I'm sorry to hear that.

And what's your trade?

Circus clown.

Alright.

And what was your act?

Making people happy, you know.

I used to get chucked off the

back of a fire engine every night.

So how come you got sacked?

Face didn't fit.

Night, then.

Night.

A clown, you say?

How do you fancy coming to work for me?

Kit man?

It'd be great, yeah.

I'll have to square it with the university,

like, but I think they'll be alright with it.

What do you do at the university?

Help them out. With the students.

What, you don't get flung off the

back of a fire truck there as well?

No, it's not really called for.

I suppose not.

Well, I'll see you on Monday then, aye?

See you Monday, Lou.

Top man.

Are you absolutely sure

you've got this right, Neil?

The manager of Stoke City, Mr Lou Macari

offering you, Neil Baldwin, a job?

Mr Lou Macari of Manchester

United and Scotland, yes.

I'm starting a file on him.

You want a biscuit?

No, but you have one. Don't make crumbs.

You can only just see the

pattern on the carpet as it is.

I know better than anyone

how much you love football.

I know you love football because of me.

It's just that...

What exactly does it entail, this job?

Laying out the clean kit,

picking up the dirty kit

taking it to the laundry.

Well, you had me

believing you 'til then.

You've never so much as picked up

a dirty sock in your lifetime.

Your bedroom's like the

hold in Noah's ark.

Are you sure you've got that right?

Are you sure you've got this right?

Tell the boss Nello's here.

What can I say?

He was the right man for the job.

Thank you very much.

Come on.

O ye of little faith.

Wherefore didst thou doubt?

Matthew:
14.

Come on, out of the way!

You don't want any more injuries!

Who's that?

New kit man.

Keep it tight.

Get in behind that lumbering

fullback of theirs.

Defending corners we leave Laino up.

But we need to get tight on

their two big lads at corners.

Paddy, you stick to that big fella like glue.

Alright? Don't let him breathe.

First to the ball.

Don't give them time or space.

Now, we do that in the first 10

minutes and they won't worry us.

Laino. What?

What is it, son?

Oh, for f***'s sake!

Get in here, you!

What the f***, what the f***,

what the f***ing hell is that?

Well done, lads.

Great stuff out there today!

Well played, Paddy, son.

Well played, lads.

Oh f*** off!

Kick him out! He's trying to cheat!

He's trying to cheat!

I took the head off.

Just in time, by the looks of you.

Bloody hell, Nello. A few spuds round

you and you make a roast dinner.

I talked a girl out of

killing herself once.

Young student.

What, dressed as a chicken?

No, course not.

Dressed as Father Christmas.

Oh, right.

And what's that got to

do with the chicken suit?

Fancy dress. Good for morale.

Charlie Cairoli taught me that.

He's a very good friend of mine.

Just out of interest

what did you say to that girl

who wanted to kill herself?

I said, 'we've all got to go sometime,

love, but why do you have to go now'?

Night.

- Alright, gorgeous?

- Alright.

- Ey up, how's it going, Nello?

- Good, yeah.

Nello! Nello!

Alright, mong?

Make sure that tea's ready

and waiting for tomorrow.

I'm not a mong.

I'm a registered clown.

That was a bit harsh.

You've got to carry on.

Didn't you feel he was picking on you?

Because of your difficulties?

What difficulties?

O Lord my God

when I in awesome wonder consider

all the works thy hand hath made

I see the stars

I hear the mighty thunder

thy power throughout

the universe displayed.

Then sings my soul,

my Saviour God, to thee

how great thou art, how great thou art!

Then sings my soul,

my Saviour God, to thee

how great thou art, how great thou art!

...You fat bastard! You fat bastard!

When I look down from

lofty mountain grandeur

and hear the brook,

and feel the gentle breeze.

Then sings my soul,

my Saviour God, to thee...

- A shock signing?

- Well, he's a bit of an unknown quantity.

I don't even really want

to reveal his name.

Er, we'll let him do his

own talking on the pitch.

And he'll be given an opportunity

at pre-season matches.

We've got to get some weight off him.

Er, he's not in the best of condition.

But you know, I put my head

on the chopping block and...

and have taken that opportunity

and brought him here.

Let's just see what lies ahead, Ivan.

Let's just take it from game to game.

Well, he's, er... He's Neil, isn't he?

You know what I mean.

I know. Neil, my son. Yes.

But he's just great to have around.

He's, er, well, he's funny.

He doesn't always mean to be.

Aye, well that does make

it a wee bit funnier.

If you don't mind me saying.

No, not at all.

...couldn't f***ing turn on

a f***ing manhole cover.

You've got love handles like my

missus and she's six months pregnant!

Alright, Nello, got a

f***ing brew on, or what?

Sorry about that, Mrs Baldwin.

Where were we?

You were telling me why

you've given my Neil a job.

Well, he's... he's genuine.

He doesn't have an angle.

And you go a long way in this game

to find a bloke without an angle.

And the fact that...

well, that he isn't perhaps

as quick on the uptake...

Quick on the uptake?

We're talking about

footballers here, Mrs Baldwin.

It's not exactly University

Challenge out there.

Even so, I had thought...

Well...

I won't be around forever,

and I have to be sure he'll be alright.

Of course.

What mother wouldn't want that?

I had put his name down for a monastery,

for when I'm not here, to keep an eye.

He seemed to like it there.

A monastery?

Neil?

Your son belongs in a

changing room, Mrs Baldwin.

He loves it here. And we love him.

God, he gives us all a lift.

And he's... indispensable.

- Paddy.

- Yes, boss.

You'll do for me, young man.

Thanks, boss.

- Laino.

- Yes, boss.

Just play.

How should I play, boss?

Play well.

And as for you, Thumper.

Bomber, boss.

I think you'll find Thumper's

the name of the rabbit in Bambi.

I'm the boss.

If I call you Thumper,

your name's Thumper.

Right, boss.

Let's just play the game right.

And the main thing is this

this is what you've got

to get into your noggins.

The main thing is: go out there and

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