Mascots

---

1

Okay, let's see what we have.

Yeah.

Well, that is

one completely normal knee.

Just stay off of it

for a couple of days...

- Okay.

- ...and you'll be back to your old self.

-So, nothing serious?

-Nothing serious.

Yeah.

It's just a little strain and, uh-- Yeah.

When you go out there,

you wanna give it your all,

but you know,

you can go too far and then--

You just never know

if it's-- if it's your day.

Uh, at the game, I could feel that I

cranked it coming off the mini tramp,

-and I knew-- I thought--

-I was at the game.

And I--

-You were at the game?

-I was. I was.

You're a Herons fan?

-Herons all the way.

-Wow! All right.

-Great work, by the way.

-Thank you.

Both of you. Really enjoy it.

-What are you doing?

-You just had a piece of fuzz in your--

Okay, but you can tell me

with your mouth and not your hands.

- Okay. Well, you can also relax.

- Okay.

Just a little bit.

- For heaven's sakes.

- All right. Do you--

do you prescribe antidepressants?

Mascotting is not unlike a marriage

- in that it's about cooperation...

- Mm-hmm.

- ...it's about listening.

- Yeah.

Even if people are screaming

at you, you're not allowed to talk.

-And that's a good lesson for a marriage.

-Yeah.

Fun story. Initially, we were going to be,

uh, Kevin the Killer Whale

and Tammy Turtle,

but then we discovered

that the killer whale is the natural enemy

of the turtle.

-Yeah.

-And they'll...

You know, they'll just pop 'em open

like a pistachio.

Oh, it's like a special treat

for them, yeah.

Yeah, and they'll toy with them

for a half hour,

-and then just break their necks.

-Yeah.

So, we had to switch it up.

Sometimes not even to eat 'em.

Just-- just for fun.

-It's a sadistic thing.

-Yeah.

It's one of the few instances

of sadism in the animal world.

So, we thought,

"Well, that's not gonna work for--"

-"That doesn't fit."

-"It's not for the families."

And we don't just work together

on the field.

We are off the field over

at Rhea Perlman Middle School,

where we are both teachers.

Yeah, and they say that

those who can't do, teach,

and those who can't teach, teach gym,

and those who can't teach gym,

teach driver's ed.

But, uh, joke's on them

because I teach gym and driver's ed.

- I teach English.

- Yeah.

Maybe just up a little bit higher.

There you go.

Up, up, up, up, up and stop.

I have been running on fumes.

I've been running around

like a chicken with my head cut off,

and I think I've had maybe, oh...

ten hours' sleep this entire week.

But it's all gonna be worth it

the second the first mascot

walks through these doors.

We give away three Fluffy Awards

or, as we like to call them, "Fluffies."

Bronze Fluffy,

Silver Fluffy and Gold Fluffy.

And believe me, every mascot knows

just how important those awards can be,

because if one of the winners were

to sign a major league contract,

and it is possible that could happen,

they could quite possibly

end up making a six-figure salary

by this time next year.

Mascots are coming

from every place you can imagine.

Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky...

Colorado...

Oregon, Texas, New Mexico,

Georgia, Florida...

and then some other states, too.

Wyoming, Utah...

and several, several countries.

This year is especially important

because the Gluten Free Channel is sending

two executives to watch our show

and determine whether or not they want

to have it on television.

And if that happens, well...

it's like a whole new level.

Hello, uh, I'm Owen Golly Jr.

Um, I'm a third-generation

mascot and butcher.

-Uh, this is my wife, Sarah Golly.

-Hello.

She's not a junior.

Uh, if they're gonna put it

at the bottom of the screen,

-it reads, like, "Owen Golly, Jr."

-Yeah.

And it's not. It's "Jolly."

Uh, granddad-- my granddad came up

with a little family phrase,

which is, "Golly, gosh, no!

We're not posh, no.

We're jolly, as in gay."

But it meant...

"Gay" meant something different...

-It was different in olden times.

-...in my granddad's day, uh,

which I discovered

on my first day at school,

when I corrected a teacher.

My classmates loved that one.

So, that was my nickname for a bit.

Golly the Gay, Golly Gosh Gay,

Gay Man Golly.

-Um... Kids can be cruel.

-Kids can be cruel.

What with that,

and me only having one bollock,

it's amazing

I made it through school at all.

Luckily, I could do this.

Yeah, so I'm a mascot,

for Willingham Rovers,

a non-league team in South Croydon.

Dad-- Dad was Sid before me,

and his dad was Sid before him.

-So, it's a bit of a family tradition.

-It's a family tradition.

It's a bit of a legacy.

It's not what I dreamed of doing.

Well, yeah, but your dad wouldn't

let you get away with not doing it.

No. God, no.

He was insistent.

Once his knees started going,

he was insistent that I took over.

But I enjoy it. It's fine.

It's all a bit of banter.

There's the standard,

"He runs, he kicks, he's got 100 pricks.

Sid the Hedgehog,

Sid the Hedgehog."

There's, um...

Which is not factually correct,

'cause my mom didn't cut my bollock off.

I lost it in a skateboarding accident.

I'm Cindi Babineaux.

I'm Alvin the Armadillo, or Armadilla,

depending on where you're from.

You can say both.

I studied music and dance therapy here

at the college,

and I was a cheerleader

in high school, so, um...

But studying dance was really, uh...

was really fun.

I love all kinds of dancing.

I can hip-hop. I can pop.

See, this is Alvin right here.

I love him.

I love, um-- I love putting on the mask,

and, um...

just being inside of him.

It's like I can be...

I can move any way I want,

and, um-- I love it.

It took me seven and a half years

to graduate, but I did.

And I lived and breathed

my mascot life, like, 25/8.

I loved it.

I've been doing it for a long time.

I went to the Fluffies five years ago,

and I got honorable mention.

And that means I'm--

That's like first place, really,

but it's a weird first place, and, uh...

So, I'm gonna go back again, and...

It could be my last time, you know?

This could be my last hurrah.

Um...

My swan song.

My name is Tommy,

also known as the Fist.

I am the official mascot

of the Blue Lake Mallards.

Lot of people say I'm the bad boy

of sports mascotry.

And to be fair, I am currently serving

six temporary suspensions

from different stadiums

for some physical incidents

that took place between myself

and some opposing players

and team mascots.

I'm also currently serving a lifetime ban

from the Calgary Cavaliers

for a...

sexual incident

that took place between myself

and their team owner's wife.

Hey! What is--

What?

-Hey! Hey, stop!

-Get off! What are you--

-Hey, stop humping my wife!

-Get off me! Jesus!

I'm originally from Ireland.

My parents founded a...

religious commune,

I suppose you'd call it.

A spiritual community

called Highway to Heaven,

based on the spiritual teachings

of Michael Landon

in the 1980s' TV program.

It was around that time

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes