Mascots Page #2

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that I got into sports mascotry.

I started as Kenny the Kangaroo

for a local high school football team.

And the part of the act

that people really responded to

was the fighting

that Kenny would get into at the end.

And so, eventually,

I just cut out the middleman

and went straight to the fist...

which I think works well, artistically.

My name is Phil Mayhew.

In my pretend life,

I am a real estate appraiser.

But in my real life,

I am Jack the Plumber...

official mascot

for the Beaumont College football team.

It is truly a dream come true for me.

Looking good, boys.

Looking good!

Kirby, what's up, bro?

Hey.

Boys are looking good. Clemence!

Clemence!

What have we got,

the Cougars on Saturday?

That is a tough group of boys.

We beat 'em last time,

but, uh... you always gotta

keep your wits about you, don't ya?

Mm-hmm.

-All right, guys. See you Saturday.

-Hey, come on, man.

Who was that guy?

I think the mascot is as important

as any member of the team.

'Cause when things are going good,

it's easy, but when they're bad,

that's when I come out of the tunnel

with a T-shirt cannon or a beach ball.

And I'm doing a pratfall,

or I'm, like, pretending

to grab the ref's butt

and turning around and acting all coy.

And that's when

the crowd is starting to laugh

and they're starting to get enthusiastic.

For me, it is that sound.

The sound of that crowd.

You can't really hear it inside the head,

but you can hear that there is a sound.

And for me, the sound of that sound...

that is the greatest sound in the world.

Well, this is my playground.

Isn't this something?

This right here is where

all the mascots are gonna be performing.

We're gonna have a judges' table

set up right over that way.

And then, of course,

the audience is over here.

A thousand seats,

and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised

if we sell out this year.

Wow!

Uh, how high is this ceiling?

What do you think?

Just guesstimate?

Don't know. I'm not in that business.

Maybe 200 feet?

I'm in the business

of "it needs to be higher," though.

Hello, there. I'm Upton French.

I'm the program manager

of the Gluten Free Channel,

which is on your basic-tier cable package

that runs in over two cities nationwide.

Um...

The channel's owned by Panorama Datacom,

and I've done a bunch of shows for them,

starting with the sailing networks,

SN1 and 2.

SN1 went under, as it were.

You may remember,

it was a live television event.

We did Santa's Rocking Holiday Regatta,

and the boat carrying Santa Claus turtled,

and Santa just went right down.

He was gone,

and we never really lived down the name

the Channel That Killed Santa Claus.

But I licked my wounds.

I just kept going.

FRC was next,

the Fence and Railing Channel.

We did have

a very good-looking pole driver on there,

a very messy personal life

and a terrible driving record,

and then those things

generally play well with women.

- We love the bad boys.

- Yeah, do you?

- We love the bad boys.

- Isn't she funny?

Anyway, on from there,

we went to the Varicose Vein Channel,

which I had a big, uh--

a big success with.

Pulled in some very big numbers

on a special I ran

called Do the Backs of My Legs

Look Like Waffles?

That brings me up to the day

that I met this one here.

Well, I'm Jessica Mundt,

and I'm a junior executive

at the Gluten Free Channel.

And I am under this man's wing.

He's showing me the ropes.

I've never been out and about

like this before.

In the field.

So, I'm really

enjoying it quite a bit.

Uh, this guy picked me up.

I was working at the Elevator Channel.

Before that, I was a PA

on the hit show Does That Smell Normal?

-Does this smell normal?

-I can't tell.

Really,

everybody involved in that production

caught my eye because

they pulled these incredible numbers out

of this very difficult show.

And particularly Jessica here.

-"Lightning in a bottle" we called it.

-Yeah. There you go.

Oh, that's it! Oh, that's it!

Zook, let's go, man.

We gotta get going.

Go away!

We gotta hit the road, man.

We gotta do 2,000 miles in three days.

No, thank you!

Okay, I'll drive the first shift. Sure.

I've been a bouncer

here at Bushwackers

for about a little over two years.

Um, I actually met Zook first time...

Gosh.

It would've been in my hometown.

It would've been in Medicine Hat, Alberta.

And I was bouncing in a place

called the Cabbage Patch.

And that was kind of a crazy meeting

because he actually got into the club

dressed as the Fist,

and my manager was like, "Shut it down."

I was like, "What? This is too good."

So, they suspended him for a little while,

and he just came back, you know.

He came to me and he said,

"I need a straight man for my act,"

and I was like, "Right on, dude.

I'm straight and I party."

And he goes, "Well, not like that.

You would be in my act as a straight man."

He explained it to me

and I figured it out,

and it's been unbelievable since.

-Ah, got what you wanted?

-I got what I wanted.

- What did you want?

- Cod and chips.

-Did you get it? Good.

-I got cod and chips.

-Hmm. Nice!

-Look at that.

Willingham Rovers has been

sort of part of my whole life.

I pretty much grew up at Peacedale Park.

I was probably this high,

you know...

...just a nipper when I first went

to the ground.

I used to stand at the Flange Road end

behind the goal,

and, uh...

it grew from there, really.

And then, when I was 16,

on my 16th birthday, I got this.

The uh...

you know, the club tattoo.

There's a factory here,

and then there's two spoons.

And in 1905, the club was formed

by the workers at the pudding factory.

And they decided

they wanted to have a mascot.

So they had-- I think they

had trials that next week,

and my father, um...

Owen Golly Sr. Sr.,

got chosen to be Sid the Hedgehog,

and that began

what is really a family dynasty now.

All right, guys,

we've got to go, go, go, go, go.

- You got my bag?

- We're running late.

-I got it.

-Don't worry. He's got everything.

All right, Monty,

we need to step on it, buddy.

Hon, it's fine.

- Okay, we are late.

- We're really not that late.

Okay, yeah, but I always get chosen

for a TSA pat-down,

-so we need to--

-Well, you're very tall. It's obnoxious.

You fit the lone-shooter profile,

I think.

-Okay. You know what?

-Will you be careful with these?

What did Dr. Ezefee say

about hate speech?

Uh...

Oh.

-It hasn't always been easy.

-Yeah.

You know, like any couple,

we have our ups and downs.

Which is normal.

Right.

And, uh, I think what...

sort of the watchword is

with us is "commitment."

We're committed.

Well, he slept with someone.

So... probably mention that.

-Cindi Babineaux.

-Yeah, Cindi Babineaux.

Five years ago at a mascot competition.

Can I help who's next?

-Remember that?

-And I would take the...

- Ladies? Ladies? Can I help you?

- Hey.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

Identification, please.

Hi, there.

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