Mascots Page #3

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When we were in high school,

I got a note.

Laci passed me a note in class.

-Yeah.

-In history class.

And it said, "I'm your sister."

And I was like,

"Yeah, I'm your sister. I love you."

We go to the same church,

so I thought it was--

-it was sister talk.

-Like sisters in Christ.

Yeah.

And she wrote me another note

and passed it.

It was one of them football notes.

And, um... it said,

"No, you're really my sister.

-We have the same daddy."

-We do.

Our chemicals are the same.

-Half of 'em.

-Half of 'em.

So, apparently,

and I found out when I was 16 that

my mother, who lives in Electric Mills,

had an affair with her daddy,

who runs a filling station.

And then, we have the same birthday.

-Yeah.

-So that was the weird thing

-which made it even more personal.

-You know, when it rains...

-It pours.

-Right.

- Yeah.

- It does. Well...

Because, later on that year...

Yeah.

-You had your accident.

-I had an accident.

Um, I had a little dream in my heart of...

going to college

on a cheerleading scholarship.

Oh, baby.

And I fell.

And she was so good. She was--

You were so good.

And I sprained my ankle,

and I had to hobble.

And then, you couldn't do the pageants.

So, that was--

Right. It kind of just wiped me out.

It wiped me out of pep rallies

and homecoming

and cheerleading,

and scholarship, and, um...

It took away a lot of purpose from me.

-But then you had your kids.

-Yes.

Yes, thank you for reminding me.

I have Ruby and Jamaica.

And, um...

They're 24 and 22 now,

so they're big. They're big girls.

And Ruby has a little one. Ruby Jr.

- She's a grandma.

- So she's a-- I am.

She's a granny!

I'm excited to get down

to Anaheim because

I'm gonna be around like-minded people.

'Cause, for the most part,

all of us are going down there

because we have a passion for this craft.

Um...

There's also another reason

that I am excited about going down there,

and... full disclosure, I reconnected

with an old classmate on Facebook.

Robin Wexler, the hottest girl

at Higbee High School.

But yeah, she wound up marrying

Steve Nunan, captain of the soccer team,

for which I was the mascot.

And now she is divorced,

and her grown son has moved out

of the house,

and she's living

in Orange County, California.

So... spoiler alert, we really hit it off

on Facebook Messenger.

And I have volunteered to perform

at a charity event that she's organizing

for a group of disadvantaged children.

So, I'm excited to get down there.

-Hello, there.

-Oh, hello. Welcome, sir.

Blumquist, AJ. They should have

the John Wayne suite ready.

Okay, we actually have you

for the Slim Pickens suite.

I don't think so.

I think I'm in the John Wayne suite.

I made a reservation.

I got a confirmation number right here.

-Okay. Yeah, let me take a look at that.

-Sure.

No, sir, you're actually

in the Slim Pickens suite.

-Huh. Gabby.

-Let me go ahead and get your card.

-How you doing?

-Hey, you-- AJ.

You think that name would be

on the tip of my tongue. I'm sorry.

After all this time. Uh...

I'm Gabby Monkhouse.

I'm in the John Wayne suite.

Oh, all right.

-One minute, Miss Monkhouse.

-All right.

Let me just...

I don't think it's overstating anything

to say that I was the first female

to bring notoriety to our field

as Minnie the Moose,

the Vernon Community College

baseball team's mascot.

I once held the splits

for the entire length

of an extra inning baseball game

in spite of excruciating pain...

and a severe severing

of my adductor longus muscle

that eventually required four hours

of surgery

and added two and a half inches

to my left leg, forcing me to retire.

And I...

I wrote a tale...

documenting that journey.

A-Moosing Grace. A Mascot's Journey to God

...and Success in Real Estate.

Well, my name is AJ Blumquist,

and I'm a former mascot, Danny the Donkey.

And I'm a judge this year

for the Fluffies.

For the two people that don't know,

Danny the Donkey, my mascot, alter ego,

was the first one to have

an anatomically correct costume.

That lasted all of one game.

Caused a lot of controversy.

But I have a lot of fans in Mexico,

south of the border,

Tasmania, Finland.

And I've had a lot of personal growth.

I see my role in the controversy

that was involved in that.

Not just the costume that I designed

and went out one day onto the field with,

but, you know, the muscle cars

and the large cigars.

You know, I was overcompensating.

Classic overcompensation.

But with support groups,

I've made a lot of progress.

And, you know, I-I--

I stay away from medical terms

like micropenis.

I'm phallically challenged...

and you know,

some of the great groups that I rely on

are Tom Thumb and Tiny Tim

and Pinky Promise,

that have helped me accept

who I am as a man.

And right now,

cochlear sex is really trending very hot.

You wanna just put in, "hashtag..."

In any of your social media,

"Hashtag, in your ear,"

and you'll see what's going on.

You have to be very careful

how you spell that, though.

So, make sure you spell it or say it,

"In your ear."

Otherwise, you know, people think

you're talking about something else.

Have a good night.

We're two days away

from the competition,

and I hope you're proud of yourselves

because, literally,

hundreds of mascots wanted

to compete in this year's competition.

And the judges and I went through all

the applications and the audition tapes,

and we even had to hire translators

because there are some

kind of weird languages out there.

And believe me, it wasn't cheap.

And we finally narrowed it down

to 20 finalists.

That's you people.

Give yourselves a round of applause.

I can see some of you out there

sizing up the competition,

looking at 'em and thinking,

"That's my arch enemy."

Well, not tonight.

Tonight, we are all friends.

In fact, could you all just take a moment

and say hello and meet-and-greet somebody

maybe you've never met before?

It's what we always do at church.

Isn't that fun?

Great.

God bless each and every one of you.

Hey, let's have a party!

- Hey, how's it going?

- Good evening.

Tommy Zucarello, plus one.

Uh, yeah. Tommy's in there,

but there's no plus one.

There should be. Um...

What about the Fist?

Is there the Fist plus one?

-Uh, the Fist?

-Yeah.

No plus one.

No? Really?

Sorry, yeah.

It's not on the list.

Oh, you know what? He probably

did a nickname thing, "Dibs." D-I-B-S.

-Okay. I'll check.

-Yeah, I'm sure it's there.

-I'm sure it's there.

-Mm-hmm.

Is that a margarita machine?

That vanilla wrap is such a must-have.

I love it.

-It's a vanilla wrap?

-It's called a vanilla wrap.

-Oh, I've never heard that term.

-Mm-hmm.

-All right, strawberry as requested.

-Oh, thank you.

-I'm Mindy.

-Hi, Mindy. I'm Cindi.

-Mike Murray.

-Hi, I'm Laci.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Good to see you. Hi.

-You're a Babineaux?

-Yes.

Okay.

-Are you feeling okay?

-Yeah. Yeah, I feel great--

Mike has IBS, so it's tough.

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