Mascots Page #4

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Ouch!

You know, you're having a great time,

and then...

Well, I've had three yeast infections

since my divorce.

I just wanna stick a hairbrush down there

and get it out.

This is our vendors' area.

We have 24 booths in all.

Three more than last year.

And this is, by far,

the best turnout we have ever had.

I don't know if you can smell it,

but the popcorn

is really, really going on strong,

which means people

are staying and buying things.

That's 'cause you're

probably smelling mine.

-It's right here.

-Oh. You're right.

But I also think

it's from other people, too.

It might just be hers.

-I think it's this.

-It could be.

- Hi. What's your name?

- Hi. Tommy.

-Tommy, this has been a delight.

-Oh, well, thank you so much.

-You bet, darling.

-Take care.

God bless, sweetheart.

AJ.

You know, I could nudge some

of my people towards you.

They might enjoy meeting you...

even if they don't know who you are.

-No, no. I'm fine. I got a whole--

-You good?

There's a busload of people coming.

-Is that right?

-They must be a little bit late.

-I better call 'em.

-Yeah.

-Hi! What's your name?

-Hi. Lindsay.

Have you ever spent

any time inside a mascot outfit?

No, I never have.

It's like, you know, walking around

with a porta-potty.

Porta-potties, I've been in. Many of them.

Then you know what that smells like.

Ooh.

-Let me share with you what I do.

-Oh, wow, please. Okay, I'm all ears.

I'm an aromatic engineer.

-Kind of an inventor.

-Right.

-So, I'm gonna show you...

-Yeah, please.

I've come up with what I like to call

the scented cup.

I've got bruschetta.

-Bruschetta? Are you serious?

-Oh, yeah.

And then we have anchovy.

People from the northwest

are going crazy for this, this anchovy.

Oh, very interesting ones.

-Yeah, no--

-Anchovy and bruschetta.

You know, "Where's dinner?"

"Down here."

I can't tell you how excited I am

to be here.

You know,

I first fell in love with mascotting

when my second wife,

Lordes, and I,

we took our kids,

Muffy, Ponce, Sugito and um...

Oh, boy, what's her name?

She's always running around,

hiding under coffee tables

and behind sofas.

Never comes out in the day-- Maria.

Took 'em to a ball game.

And so, I found,

as the game progressed, that--

Well, they were watching the mascots

more than they were watching the game.

And I popped a lot of money

for those tickets,

so, you know, that got me interested

in mascotting.

And I go home,

and I start researching a little bit,

and it's fascinating

because so many people think

mascotting's been around for 200 years.

Wrong. So wrong.

I mean, you can go back to like 1500 BC.

The Egyptians, you know, they only paint

with everybody looking to the left.

You ever noticed that?

Life is one big left turn to these people.

If I lived then, I'd be on the right,

be something different, be fun, go nuts.

But I didn't live then, sadly enough.

Mr. Gammons, sir.

-Sorry I'm late.

-Oh, hi, Phil.

Yeah, I had a bit of a mesh tear

inside the helmet.

I had to find some electrical tape,

but we're all good.

Dogs are funny, aren't they?

You like dogs?

I like 'em, yeah.

-Hey, you put on some weight?

-Well...

I like the outfit.

I've weighed 161 pounds

since 11th grade.

What have you got planned here?

I've been thinking about this act.

Um, well, you know, there's gonna be...

The toilet is up here.

-Center stage, in the back there.

-All right.

I'm gonna enter from over here.

Got my bag of-- bag of tricks.

-Yeah.

-So, music starts.

I give it a beat or two.

Jack the Plumber enters,

and he's kind of big and looking around,

you know, "What's this? What's..."

I'm gonna drop my stuff,

my gear, there.

And that's when I clock the audience,

and then it's like,

"Come on, let's go. Let's go."

All the way across the front there.

Then I give 'em a little,

"I can't hear you. I can't hear you."

All right, let me stop you right there.

Why can't you hear them?

-I can't hear them...

-So, I like all this up to a point.

-Okay.

-But nevertheless, as a plumber,

you're gonna be very concerned

about your job.

-I'm sorry to interrupt you there--

-No,

that's when I'm gonna take

a bit of a break

'cause I'm gonna dance.

That's why I've been working

really hard on the...

And if you throw a little twist in,

the white-haired crowd

is gonna go mad, right?

Yeah. It's fun. It's generational.

But I'd like another button on there.

Something that's a little more satisfying.

And I think we can do it.

We'll put our heads together.

And plus, there's gonna be

some plumbers in the audience.

They're gonna be your toughest critics.

And they're gonna say,

"Hey, a plumber wouldn't do that."

So, you'll fool 'em

and show 'em the right moves.

Punt.

The ladder comes down from--

Whoa! Hold on, hold on.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna do the ladder routine

that I've been working on.

Come on now. We talked about this.

I know we talked about it.

We've talked about it a lot.

But I really think now is the moment

for me to finish

with the big ladder routine.

Now, because there's a ladder here--

No, Dad, there wasn't just a ladder there.

I bought that ladder.

- You bought it? When?

- Yeah, I bought it yesterday.

I've been working on this routine

for months, Dad, and it's good.

-You didn't tell me about it.

-I have told you.

I've told you time and time again

about the ladder routine,

and you keep knocking it down.

I've seen the Americans' acts.

They're bigger. They've got big finishes.

They've got fireworks

and pyros and dancing girls.

-So we have to become American now?

-No, we're not coming--

We've got a beautiful routine.

It's lovely.

What we've got

is a British act that has tradition.

-I know.

-Tradition is good!

Our tradition is great.

Do you wanna piss on tradition?

Do you? Go to Her Majesty.

"Ma'am, why don't you go out next time

without your crown and scepter,

and wear a fez?"

Oh, yeah. "And carry a selfie stick.

And while you're at it,

have Philip bring along a ladder."

That's not what he's saying,

though, is it?

You're not listening to him.

-It is what he's saying.

-No, he's not.

He's just-- If you listen...

Oh, now, I'm not a good listener?

No, you're not a brilliant listener.

You don't tell him

how good he is often enough.

I'm always telling him how good he is!

Are you? Do you? I mean...

-Yes!

-When?

Well, maybe not in words.

But I love him!

I love him like a son.

He is your son.

Well, I know, but that's why I love him.

Well, you don't tell him.

And words are useful, aren't they?

Well done.

You should be a therapist, you should be.

Okay, right.

Well, all I'm saying is, sometimes,

you need to listen to other people.

All right, well, I'm listening to you now.

You take a few minutes,

play around with the ladder,

do what you wanna do,

then take it back and get your money back.

And I hope you've got the receipt,

'cause then you can get the tax back

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