Mascots Page #5

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at the airport.

So, have fun. I'm gonna have a cup of tea.

I'll see you in a while.

And I'll find a Jaffa Cake

and all if I can.

Behind the kettle, Dad.

Buddy.

-Oh, hey, Langston.

-Oh, we have got a problem.

-We got a big problem.

-Why? What? Why? What is it?

Benny the Banana Slug

failed his drug test.

-What? Why?

-Yeah, he's on ecstasy.

Apparently because he needs it

to do a pogo stick routine.

I don't know, but I found him

licking his lips and saying,

"Life is good. Life is good."

He just wouldn't shut up about it.

Well, you know what?

The Gluten Free Channel

can't find out about this.

-No, I know they can't find out about it.

-That'd be awful.

-That's the whole problem.

-What is it? What's happening?

Nothing. It's just-- I think a furry

snuck in, and he's scritching.

-What's a furry?

-It's not a big deal.

-What's a furry?

-A furry is simply

just someone who likes to dress up

like an animal with human characteristics.

It's a form of roleplay. It's huge.

-Yeah, that's great.

-Yeah.

But then, the scritching thing you said,

what is that?

Scritching is simply

light scratching or grooming.

It's a form of affection.

Furries love to do it.

-I do that.

-It's fun for them.

-Yeah. Sure.

-Exactly. We all do it.

There was a bit of a thing in your voice.

I'm good at hearing things in voices,

and you had a thing with the scritching.

-What is it? Tell me.

-It has absolutely nothing to do with sex.

-Nothing.

-Nothing?

Only-- Well, 37% of them

apparently enjoy sex very much,

but that's not the point.

I was in the other room,

and one of them kind of bumped into me.

I thought the guy was going for my wallet,

so I turned around real quick.

Uh...

It seemed different. The--

Did he yip or did he yiff?

He said, "Skip," and I said,

"No, my name's Buddy."

Okay, he yipped.

If he yipped, that means "hello."

If he yiffs... If that happens,

well, then you got a problem.

Yeah, you know what?

Might have been a yiff.

Might have been "yiff."

And I said he was going for the wallet.

More like he was going for loose change,

if you know what I'm saying. All right?

Well, if it happens again, just go...

I'm gonna say,

"Pal, you're gonna get this."

We have bigger fish to fry.

We have a drug problem.

And we got a sex problem

if you got people yipping and yiffing

and skipping and all that stuff.

Hello!

-Corky!

-Hi, Cindi.

-How are you?

-Oh, it's so good to see you.

-Come here, you look so beautiful. Oh!

-Oh, so do you. Oh!

It is so good to see you.

And you too.

Oh, I've missed you.

I missed you, too. Mmm.

-How was your flight?

-It was a little bumpy, you know.

It was one of those small commuter planes,

and I kind of...

little bit on my blouse.

I had to wash it away

with a little moist towelette,

which was fun.

Well, you look great.

I don't see anything on your shirt.

-Thank you.

-I need you.

I need you.

You have this fairy dust that just--

It just helps me.

You are my favorite student ever

in the whole world.

You're my favorite teacher.

-You know that.

-Thank you.

-Thank you for coming.

-Thank you.

Knock, knock, knock. Hello.

-Hello.

-Hi! I'm Laci.

-What's your name?

-Laci.

Laci. Oh, you are beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

-May I?

-Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Oh!

Yes. Boner!

-Really?

-Definitely, yes.

- Let me check.

- Oh.

We're gonna talk for a little bit, okay?

About some of the prep,

that I call it, for the show.

And I know that you have

the... whole physical thing going.

-I do.

-I wanna get inside that noodle.

Her inner soul, heart, mind,

all the nerves, that whole world.

-But we'll talk about it together, okay?

-Yeah.

We'll probably see you

later then, I guess.

-Okay. All right. Bye.

-Mm-hmm. Yeah.

-Bye.

-Okay.

Nature is the great teacher,

and this exercise that I'm gonna teach you

is nature personified, okay?

I call this the crabby walk, okay?

So, you say, "Crabby walk,"

and crabby walk...

-Oh, okay.

-is...

And I'm not saying crabs walk like that,

'cause, obviously,

they don't have legs or big pants.

But crabby walk gets you

in a frame of mind of--

Yeah. That's crabby walk.

And you have to say it at the same time.

Okay. Crabby walk.

Right... but look up.

Don't be afraid of looking up.

There's something about

being in nature.

There's something about being in the wild

that always connected me to the world.

Hanging from a cliff, you know,

from a technical climb,

or-- or having crampons on,

which I like to do anyway.

But having crampons

on a glacier with an ice ax

and making my way, you know,

into a crevasse. You know, rappelling.

I love rappelling

because I love holding rope.

Again, in any situation.

But especially on the side of a mountain,

where you feel--

It's like nature saying, with a big hand,

slapping you across the face and saying,

"Listen. I'm here and so are you,

but in one second,

you're not here and I'm still here."

Which is pretty much

the best acting advice you could have.

-Keep your head low...

-Yeah, yeah.

-...so that Tammy's eyes are looking up.

-I know.

-Okay.

-I know how it works. Go ahead.

Okay. All right.

Oh, sorry. That was my fault.

-Okay.

-It was a little high, though.

Right, but I think, at this point,

what's less important

is whether or not you hit it,

more just where your eyes end up

because that's what

people'd be looking at.

Well, I'm not wearing a head,

so how can you tell where

my eyes are gonna end up?

-Because--

-That was perfect, by the way.

Because it correlates

with where your head is.

I thought we were practicing this--

this part.

You're being impossible.

- Would you throw the ball?

- Yeah, I'll throw it.

But we're not on a team anymore?

-We're just two individuals?

-Throw the ball. What?

Okay, well, that was too--

-That came so close to my head!

-Okay.

You piece of garbage!

-Don't touch me!

-Why do you do that?

-You know what?

-Why do you do that?

You're at the wrong event!

You don't belong at the Fluffies!

-At the angry music club?

-You belong at the Succubus Olympics!

-Hi.

-That's what you should--

Hi!

- Oh, my God! Hi!

- You guys are here.

You snuck up on us.

Mr. Lumpkin.

-Oh, you look beautiful!

-Thank you.

-I'm sorry for my-- I don't know what I--

-That's all right.

-We're just rehearsing.

-That's all right.

-You look-- Hello!

-Look at you.

-Hi, how are you? How are you?

-Hello.

Look at you.

You look like a sunrise.

- It's great to see you.

- I'm okay.

I'm a lucky guy.

Yeah, I'm just...

Well, I was gonna say

I don't know how it happened,

but I know exactly how it happened,

and, uh...

I was online one day.

I was kind of browsing

around escort services,

and this face stared at me.

And I just--

I mean, I remember,

I was like, "Oh, my God."

And it wasn't the beauty alone.

It was this sweet, sweet--

Oh, my God.

Honey, did I ever tell ya?

I'm crazy about you.

Wow.

That's really sweet.

I like a guy that just thinks

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