Mascots Page #6

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everything I do is great.

And not only that,

but I mean, he was like,

"If you don't wanna do anything tonight,

you don't have to."

He was not--

he was not making me do a bunch

of weird stuff all in one night.

I spread it out.

But it felt respectful.

And I like how that felt, and he, uh--

And you liked

when I bought you the baseball team.

The day that I got her that baseball team,

the look on her face,

she's like a nine-year-old girl

at Christmas.

It was so sweet, and it just...

He put the team in my name,

and that meant a lot, too.

Yeah, my lawyer almost killed me,

but I did it.

Well, I'm awfully glad I have this woman

in my life,

and I hope she's here to stay. And...

I haven't left him,

and I think it's because...

he continues to show me a good time.

He tells me whatever I do is cool.

I mean, I'll make

some macram sh*t bag, you know?

And he'll just go, "That's a masterpiece,"

or something. You know what I mean?

Just don't make me carry it. Please.

And then he wants to sniff it.

He wants to sniff all my bags.

I do.

That's weird, but...

You know what? I'll take that

over some guy defecating on my head.

Hey, leave that cookie jar alone.

You deserve a good spankin'.

- What? Hi.

- Hey.

What are you going after there, sarge?

-Just tryin' to get some almonds up there.

-Here, use me.

-No. I'm okay. Thank you.

-All right.

Thank you, though. I got this.

I'm gonna take you with me

when I climb Mount Everest.

That'll be a fun trip.

Might be the first little guy

to be up there.

Have a seat.

Let me give you a hand here, buddy.

I can climb it. It's fine.

- All right.

- It's okay. I'm okay.

Yeah, I wanna help you

someway, man.

It's okay. You can help me

just by sittin' down. That's fine.

I can't take my eyes off of you.

You're a funny little guy.

Thanks.

You'd make a good mascot.

-Actually, I am. I'm a mascot.

-Oh!

My name is Ron. I'm the Worm.

Oh, you're the Worm!

-I've heard talk about you.

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I think I saw you.

Oh, good.

Hope you liked what you saw.

-Yeah! I sure did.

-Yeah?

Is that how you got to this size?

Huh?

I mean, did they make you this size

just to fit in the Worm costume?

No, they made me this size

when I was born.

I was born-- I was born like this.

Oh, so, you're a legitimate little person?

Yeah, I'm not a fake little person.

Oh, I see. I thought maybe they

shrunk you down or somethin'.

-No, it's not like they--

-'Cause it's a very competitive contest.

Yeah, I don't think

that technology exists yet.

How do you drive a car? Does some--

Do you sit on someone's lap or what?

No, I just--

I bet it's a real tiny, little car, is it?

Tell me everything.

This fascinates the hell out of me.

I have a pretty standard car.

You have another little person down there

operatin' the pedals for you?

No, I basically just have

a metal rod that goes on top of a pedal,

and there's another pedal on top of that.

You just attach it with some bolts

and a wrench, and then you have a--

It's a pedal extender. And that's it.

You lost me somewhere in there,

but I guess it's all kind of--

I don't know if you know

who Jack the Plumber is.

-Yeah, the mascot. Yep.

-Well, I manage him.

-Oh, great.

-He's got a wonderful act.

He's missin' somethin'.

He's missin' a little button

at the end of his act,

and I got somethin' percolating

in my brain.

-Okay.

-But I need another person.

-All right.

-It's got to be a person of your, uh...

-Persuasion.

-Right.

Okay, so you want me to recruit

a little person for you?

Another little person,

shorter than you even.

-Smaller the better.

-Shorter than me?

'Cause we all know each other?

Is that a fact? Well, all I want is one.

I'll go down into the tunnel,

where we all live

and, uh... blow into the magical horn

-that lets--

-You're funnin' me, but okay.

-You got a good sense of humor.

-I'll ask 'em.

Ask me for five bucks.

Uh--

-I would like $5, please.

-I'm a little short this week.

Get it?

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Waitin'.

-Yeah. How you doin'?

I've been better.

-Long day?

-Yeah.

Yeah. Me too.

My wife and I are doing this

never-go-to-bed-angry thing, you know.

So, I'm just exhausted.

-You know, we haven't been sleeping.

-I'm sorry.

-It's hard, huh?

-Yeah, it's really hard.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-You have a nice-- a beautiful laugh.

-Thank you.

-I don't wanna be too forward, but you...

-No. No.

-Thank you.

-Yeah.

I don't hate your eyes.

-Really?

-I don't.

That's nice.

They're like if two clouds had babies.

My wife says

that I look like I have cataracts.

Oh!

And she says it so much

that I actually went to an ophthalmologist

and got it checked out,

and he said,

"No, those are just your eyes."

-Okay.

-I like your whistle.

-Thank you.

-That's cool.

I like to put my lips on it.

It's like a friend in my mouth.

Uh...

Oh, you wanna try my gum?

-What?

-You wanna try my gum?

-Robin Wexler.

-Phil.

Holy cow.

-Hey.

-Look at you.

-Oh.

-Oh, God!

-It's so good to see you.

-Wow!

-God.

-Nice to see you, too.

-How long has it been?

-I don't know, it's--

Twenty-three and a half years.

So, you went to Higbee?

Yeah, of course.

Remember? I was the mascot.

You know, I just never knew

who was in there.

I remember the mascot.

I didn't know that was you.

-Yeah, that was me. That was me.

-Wow!

-God, it's so good to see you.

-Well, thanks for doing this.

Oh, are you kidding me?

It's my pleasure.

It's like it's a reason to perform

and also to reconnect with an old friend.

-Great.

-God, we had so much fun, didn't we?

I guess.

Do you remember

Mr. Drum's technology class,

when you and I were partnered up to build

that bridge out of popsicle sticks?

And you were like, "I wish we could have

eaten these popsicles beforehand."

We were crackin' up.

I don't remember that.

Oh, man. It was good times.

I feel like I wanna give you another hug.

Oh, that's okay.

Why don't I give you a tour?

Sure. Sure, sure.

After Connor went to college,

I had all this free time, I thought,

"I wanna work with disadvantaged children

that are really pretty disadvantaged."

-Yeah, you wanna give back.

-I wanna give back. That's exactly right.

-I completely-- I'm with you.

-You know. But I mean, I get crazy.

Sometimes, I'll go to a movie

in the middle of the afternoon.

But I really wanna

spend my time giving back.

- You know, I just--

- I celebrate that.

I think mascotting is-- To me,

it's all about giving back, you know.

Robin, I don't know

if you're busy tomorrow,

but I do have a ticket

for the mascot competition in Anaheim,

and I was wondering

if maybe you'd like to be my guest.

That's great.

Do you care if I bring David?

I thought your son's name was Connor.

It is. David's my fianc.

We should get in. Let's go.

Oh, the kids are so excited.

- It says "center for the blind."

- Right. Right.

-Are all these kids blind?

-Oh, yeah, they're all blind. All of them.

I'm worried that my act

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