Mascots Page #7

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is gonna get kind of lost on them.

Oh, no, these kids,

they just wanna have a good time.

-And they're all blind?

-Yeah, they're all blind.

But the teachers can see.

Uh, no. Most of the teachers are blind.

Actually, we have one teacher

who's not completely blind.

He's legally blind.

-And where's he?

-He's home sick today.

Okay. Right, okay. All right.

Hey, you're gonna do great.

Have fun.

- Hi. Wow!

- Hey. Wow!

-You look happy and relaxed.

-Thank you.

You look good.

What do you wanna do?

I definitely wanna do

this jousting thing.

Mmm.

And they have a ladies fishin' night.

We can all go out on a boat.

Oh, no way. That is gonna be good.

This is Cindi.

-That's only $11 to go out on a boat.

-Yeah.

-Oh, two for one.

-Uh-huh.

Two of us can go for the same price

as one ticket.

I gotta go.

Hey, you okay?

I don't know!

What'd I do?

Miss Babineaux, a formal complaint

has been lodged against you.

It has come to our attention

that your college basketball team

is nicknamed the Leaping Squaws,

which means that your character

is in violation of rule 11B,

which states, "Mascots cannot represent

or be associated with anything offensive

based on race, creed,

gender or sexual orientation."

Well, um-- I--

I'm an armadillo,

and the team isn't called

the Leaping Squaws anymore.

That was, like,

100 years ago or somethin'.

Unfortunately,

it is still on the Internet.

Yeah, but I've read on the Internet

that man's living on the moon,

and that's not true, so...

And you can't trust Wikipedia, either.

Yeah, not everything on Wikipedia is true.

Who made this complaint?

I'm sorry, but rule 22C

states that the president cannot disclose

the identity of the formal complainant.

-I don't know what to say. Um--

-Please don't cry.

I'm an armadillo.

We're not the Leaping Squaws anymore.

I understand that.

But since you are representing something

that might be considered offensive,

this could be grounds

for disqualification.

I'm Choctaw.

I'll tell you what,

why don't you step outside,

and the jury can deliberate.

Sweetheart. Oh!

I just feel horrible.

-Well, yeah.

-Me, too.

I've never thought of "squaw"

as being an offensive term.

Never. Me too.

And frankly, I'm more offended

by the word "leaping."

-Why?

-Well, it's blatantly homophobic.

What?

I'm just not offended by the word "squaw."

It means a little Indian girl.

I think "squaw" is sweet.

You gotta quit saying that word.

It's the s-word.

It's a bad term.

Talk to your Native American friends.

It's the same as the c-word,

or the n-word or something.

You're comparing the term "squaw"

with the c-word?

-That's what it means.

-What?

-What?

-That's what it means.

You know, what we need to do is check

with the Indian guy in the gift shop

and ask him if he finds

the term "squaw" offensive.

But he's East Indian.

He's not Native American.

Well, what is the difference?

Well, one is in Asia.

One is in the American continent.

I always thought he was Pakistani.

I just called him Eddy.

-Eddy? Is his name Eddy?

-Yeah.

Oh, God. I've been calling him Kent.

Oh, my. Well, it doesn't matter to him.

It doesn't matter to Eddy.

Call him whatever you want.

I'd like to make a motion that we

reject the claim against this young lady.

I would second that.

All in favor of the motion,

say "aye" and lift your hands up.

Aye.

- Hey, babe.

- Oh, my God.

I know. I know. I'm not disqualified.

- You're not?

- I'm not.

-Babineaux.

-Babineaux.

-Whoo!

-Yeah, sister. Yeah. So I'm relieved.

-That was an ordeal. It was nuts.

-Yeah.

-I'm starvin'.

-All right.

-I'm really hungry.

-Okay.

-What do you want?

-I could go with, like, wings

or biscuits or like--

I kind of would love to try sushi.

Mmm... I don't know about that.

-They have fried stuff.

-Okay.

-Yeah. I think it'll be fun.

-Ooh!

-That's exciting.

-Let's go. Did you pay?

I did. We're good.

-Mmm, delicious.

-Okay.

Its 9:
00 a.m.

and 71 degrees in beautiful Anaheim,

and people are already lining up

for the World Mascot Association

Championships.

Word on the street has it

that there are some unbelievable acts.

There are some seats still available.

So, why don't you grab a friend,

head on down there and check it out?

What was it all for, huh?

Dehydration, heat exhaustion,

the hours in the head, what was it for?

It was for today.

Failure is not an option.

Today is the day that you go out there

and you show the world who Phil Mayhew is.

Do it.

- Let me get that.

- Thank you.

Big ladder.

Thanks.

I know you.

-I don't think so.

-Yeah.

You're-- We had the Mexican

the other day. It was spicy.

Mascots?

The Fist.

-What's the ladder for?

-Oh, this? The ladder, yeah.

It's for a new bit.

You know, for Anaheim, the big show.

-Oh?

-I really want to smash it.

And I'd had a bit involving the ladder,

but my dad's not too keen.

-Your dad?

-My dad was Sid before me.

-Oh?

-And his dad was Sid before him.

So sort of it's a family tradition.

We've all done it.

-They're not Sid anymore.

-No. No, I'm Sid now. Yeah.

So, what does it matter what they think?

Well, it shouldn't.

And I love Dad, and I love his routine,

but it's just not...

I really think it can be much better.

Sarah loves it. Sarah loves the whole--

-Your mom?

-No. No, not-- No, my wife.

Underneath that, there's a ring.

She's really supportive of--

She's my rock.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

She's my best friend.

Can I give you some advice, Hedgehog?

Yeah, of course.

There once was a boy who wanted a father,

but instead, he was promised an empire.

So when he didn't get love

from his father,

he went looking for that empire.

Not my words.

The words of Michael Landon.

Season 1, Episode 8

of Highway to Heaven.

Highway to Heaven. Wow, yeah.

Think about it.

Was he an angel?

-Keep climbing, Hedgehog.

-Thanks, Tommy.

Oh, good luck, mate.

Thank you.

-Hey, Cindi?

-It's open.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

The sushi...

it had bugs in it.

I'm so sorry.

People aren't supposed to eat live fish.

I know.

Pull over.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, sh*t.

- Pull over, now.

- Is that for me? Oh, bugger.

What do I do? What do I do?

What? Pull over.

You're driving

on the wrong side of the street.

Pull over immediately.

Laci...

I'm not gonna be able...

-to go on stage.

-What?

I'm too sick.

No, you gotta do it.

You're Alvin.

You gotta get up there and do it.

Listen to me.

I put you down...

as my alternate.

You're gonna go out there and perform.

I can't do that.

You know it.

I don't know it like you do.

You are Alvin.

-It doesn't matter.

-But you've been doing it your whole life.

I can't go up there and do something

you've been doing your whole life.

Alvin is Alvin.

You'll put on the mask,

and you'll be great.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please take your seats.

Welcome to the 8th World Mascot

Association Championships.

Please welcome our celebrity judges.

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