Mascots Page #8

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Well, thank you. Hi!

Good to see you all.

-When did you last see him?

-This morning at the hotel.

After his Coco Pops, he said

he was gonna go and take that ladder back

and meet me here.

Well, why didn't he do it yesterday?

He wouldn't have had to do it at all

if you hadn't told him to do it.

-Biggest day of his life.

-Biggest day of your life, more like.

He's never late for anything.

It doesn't make sense.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our first contestants,

from the Chanderaihi Cricket Club

in India,

Pointy and Grindy.

She's a pencil.

He'll get out, so...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- What?

- What are you doing?

-Getting out the car.

-Stop right there.

I thought I was meant to get out

and come and--

-No. No, put your paw down.

-Okay.

I need to see your driver's license

and proof of registration.

Yeah, of course. I've got it.

It's in-- It's--

You need to be honest with me right now.

Have you been drinking?

-Yeah.

-What?

-Yeah.

-Have you been drinking today?

Yes. No. Yes.

-I'm gonna ask you one more time.

-Okay.

Have you drank any alcohol today?

No. No. God, no.

-Never drink and drive.

-Alcohol. Sir...

-have you been drinking alcohol?

-No,

I'm trying to get pregnant,

so I'm not drinking.

My wife's-- I'm not.

Hey, Mr. Gammons, sir.

Hey, Phil. How are you feeling? Nervous?

Excited.

You got every reason in the world

to be nervous.

It all comes down to

the next few minutes.

You ever see anything like this?

A pencil

and a pencil sharpener.

That's one of the last joys in life,

sharpening a pencil.

It's hard to do that wrong.

Jack the Plumber to the stage.

That's me.

Remember, in this country,

you could be anything you want to be.

Now, go get 'em.

I want you to look

at the tip of my pen. All right?

With your eyes only, follow it.

-Okay.

-I'm gonna start again.

-You moved your head. You moved your head.

-No, I didn't.

If I told you you moved your head,

you moved your head. Correct?

-Yeah. I didn't think I did. Sorry.

-Tip of the pen.

-Yeah.

-With your eyes only.

Here we go. Other side.

-I'm gonna start again.

-Let's do it.

-To the left. Eyes only.

-Yeah, eyes only.

-Okay. We're gonna move on.

-Are we done?

- Yeah.

- No. That seemed rude.

-I'll let you know when we're done.

-No, no. I know.

-All right, Mr. Golly? Feet on the line.

-It's "jolly."

'Cause I've got to get to the WMAs.

Let's give a big hand

to Pointy and Grindy.

Get out of the way.

Why did you tell him not

to bring his phone?

It costs a fortune

to phone foreign, don't it?

-Owen!

-Owen!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome,

from Beaumont College

in Modesto, California,

Jack the Plumber.

Oh, hello. You're too young

to be drinking that.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

-Dutch courage, is it?

-Huh?

Courage. You're drinking for courage.

I'm drinking for courage.

I'm in it to win it.

-Oh, good for you.

-Thank you. I'm gonna win this thing.

What's the act like, then?

What, you lie down

and a truck goes over you or something?

Um, sort of. It's really--

It's a modern dance piece.

-Oh.

-It's about women and fertility.

My favorite kind of dance is modern.

Okay, well, I hope you have

two eyes on the show tonight.

I will.

What did you say your name was?

Laci, with an "I."

Oh, that's beautiful.

-I put a heart over it.

-'Course you do.

I'm Tommy.

-Hi. I have metal on my hands, silver.

-We'll just...

-Oh, okay.

-That's all right.

-Maybe I'll see you afterwards.

-Okay.

I'll be the tall one looking at you.

Oh, my God.

That was Jack the Plumber

from Beaumont College

in Modesto, California.

Heshe and the Worm

to the stage, please.

Go get 'em, Tiny.

From the Tussolon Tigers

Canoe Team in Israel,

Heshe and the Worm.

-Whoo!

-Hey, two things.

First, FYI, I found out it's free sausage

night tonight at the waffle place.

All you can eat.

Secondly, and more important,

how do you feel it went out there?

To be honest,

I was a little nervous about the poo,

but you know,

they ate it up, so to speak.

Couple of beats after the solo,

I missed a couple of steps, you know--

I didn't watch the whole thing,

but you did a great job.

-Okay.

-Hey, look at this.

That's Tiny. Did you meet him? The Worm?

No, I was distracted.

You know, they can criticize our country,

but if a rabbi can get together

with a worm

and entertain our citizens,

we got a pretty solid future.

Well, my head's still kinda

in the head right now,

so I'm gonna walk it off.

-Great job.

-Thank you.

I wonder if that's a real rabbi.

That was Heshe and the Worm

from the Tussolon Tigers in Israel.

Are you centered?

-I feel good. I feel great.

-Okay.

It looks, from your breathing,

like you might not be centered.

I'm doing the best I can with--

-What are you doing?

-What?

Tammy and Ollie

to the stage.

-What are you doing?

-What do you mean what am I doing?

-Will you stop being stupid right now?

-Okay.

-Did you see what your face did?

-Okay. I hear you.

-Do you know what your face did?

-I hear your criticism, and I validate it.

Our next contestants,

from the South Fork Herons in Kansas,

Tammy and Ollie.

Hey, partner.

What's the problem?

Oh, the greedy little bugger.

Do you have any coins?

Coins?

For the paper machine.

Whatever you're smoking,

you got any more of that?

I've got loads of it

in the motor home if you want.

Lead the way, my honor.

Oh!

You almost hit me with the ball,

you dumb dumbhead.

Okay. Round two, coming up.

Whoa!

- Too hard.

- What are you doing?

What do you mean what am I doing?

Is this what's happening right now?

Now, you're upset. I need you

to get out of my face right now.

- Idiot.

- Oh, I'm an idiot?

You're a criminal moron.

- You wanna drag us to hell?

- Idiot!

I'll go to hell with ya.

Oh, my shell!

Oh, my shell!

What are you doing?

You're ruining this!

You are really...

What's going on?

Whoa.

- What are you doing?

- It's a huge part of my life!

I don't know what went wrong.

Whoa.

What? What?

-What are you doing?

-We're okay.

-No, we're not okay!

-We're okay.

-You ruined it. You ruined it.

-We're okay.

This place is massive.

He ain't in the building.

We've already been here!

This is the last place we look.

If he ain't here,

we're gonna have to call the police.

Call the morgue.

-Oh, my God.

-Hey!

-Well, where have you been?

-I'm here.

-Sorry, sorry.

-We've been going mental.

-I got pulled over by the Old Bill.

-You what?

And then

my policeman Tourette's kicked in.

-You're joking.

-I said stuff that I shouldn't have said.

-Oh, my God.

-You could have got shot!

-No, he did have--

-What's this doing here?

Stop worrying

about the poor little ladder, Dad.

-Shut up about the f***ing ladder.

-Right. Okay.

-I love you.

-Oh, God.

I love you.

You're an old pillock, but I love you.

-Right, go.

-Smash it, babe.

Sit down, shut up.

Enjoy the show.

- Give 'em hell.

- Touchdown.

That's a match.

-Yeah, a match.

-Oh, yeah.

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