MASH

Through early morning fog l see

Visions of the things to be

The pains that are withheld for me

l realise and l can see

That suicide is painless

lt brings on many changes

And l can take or leave it if l please

The game of life is hard to play

l'm gonna lose it anyway

The losing card l'll someday lay

So this is all l have to say

Suicide is painless

Suicide

lt brings on many changes

Changes

And l can take or leave it if l please

The sword of time will pierce our skins

lt doesn't hurt when it begins

But as it works its way on in

The pain grows stronger, watch it grin

Suicide is painless

lt brings on many changes

And l can take or leave it if l please

A brave man once requested me

To answer questions that are key

ls it to be or not to be?

And l replied ''Oh, why ask me?''

Suicide is painless

lt brings on many changes

And l can take or leave it if l please

And you can do the same thing

If you please

- Radar!

- Yes, sir.

- Call Major Burns.

- l'll call Major Burns.

Tell him we need to hold

two surgeons over from the day shift.

- l'll call General Hammond.

- Tell Hammond we need two new surgeons.

l hope he sends us those

two new surgeons. We sure need 'em.

- What, sir?

- l gave everything to Radar.

What?

- What the hell d'you think you're doing?

- What? l'm...

Just because you're a captain,

don't think you run the joint.

l run it.

- l'm supposed to...

- l know what you're supposed to do.

Your driver will be with you shortly.

He's having his coffee now.

- Racist.

- Attention.

The following men

report to the departure area:

Carey, Michael S.

Phelps, Robert A. Colbert.

Cleaver, Herschell B.

Roosevelt, Charles B.

- Goodbye, ladies. Thank you.

- Bye-bye.

Govowska, Theodore G.

Miller...

- 4077th MASH?

- This is the jeep here.

All right.

OK, let's go, boy.

Get my other bag.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Schermerhorn! Get that son of a b*tch!

He just stole my jeep.

Hey! Watch what

the hell you're doin', will ya?

There you are, sir. The officers' mess.

Perhaps you would like to take a small repas.

l couldn't eat after that ride you gave me.

You want any of this?

No, thank you, but l could do with my lunch.

Well, why don't you come on in

with me and get a sandwich?

l'll follow you anywhere, sir.

Oh! How about that piece of scenety,

Yankee, huh?

Yes, sir.

Who are those men?

Friends of yours, Murrhardt?

- No, sir. First time l've seen them.

- Maybe those are the replacements.

Oh, don't be silly.

We're expecting some really sharp surgeons.

l guess they just got separated from their unit

and are looking for something to eat.

They've got a hell of a nerve

coming in here eating our food.

Pardon me. Would you move over

just a little bit. Thank you. Ooh!

Be careful with that.

- But she's got to use Phisohex...

- l think l'm in love.

..that Phisohex soap on her face.

She really has a bad complexion.

- But when she's got a bad complexion...

- She won't use soap.

Well, the truth is, Lieutenant,

l don't have anything to do tonight.

l just got into town and, well, l thought

maybe you could show me around.

Captain, if you'll notice the lieutenant's

beautiful hand, she is definitely married.

l'm the commanding officer

and l'll get to the bottom of this.

Boy, Bandini, they're eating here

because they want to.

- You men just passing through?

- l was just enjoying that lovely dish there.

Captain, you are speaking about

a lieutenant in the United States Army.

l'm Colonel Blake.

Oh, Colonel.

l'm Duke Forrest, your new cutter.

- That's my driver over here.

- Captain Hawkeye Pierce.

- Are you leaving?

- Yes.

- Good afternoon, Lieutenant Dish.

- Captain Hawkeye.

Captain Hawkeye Pierce, l had a TWX about

you. Seems you stole ajeep at headquarters.

No, no, sir. No, l didn't steal ajeep.

No, it's right outside.

Oh, so it is.

Captain, when you report to your new duty

station, you go to your commanding officer.

Captain... Pierce, is it?

- Captain Pierce and me have been boozing...

- Good. Been working close to the front.

We have slack periods, but when the action

starts you'll get more work in 12 hours...

- How many nurses on the base, sir?

- 17.

- How many on my...

- Four.

- ..than a civilian surgeon in a month.

- l'd like her as my nurse.

- lt could be arranged.

- And the young girl, the blonde.

Father Mulcahy. l'd like you to meet

Captain Pierce, our new surgeon.

This is the Catholic chaplain.

Here's Captain Forrest.

- Dago Red.

- Dago Red!

- Captain Waldowski, our dental officer.

- Known as Painless Pole.

- Captain Black, our anaesthesiologist.

- l'm the dentist.

- John Black. l'll be passing gas for you.

- Duke? Welcome.

- Captain Bandini here.

- Thank you. How are you?

- lf you boys have any problems, my tent...

- Bandini here. Duke, glad to meet you.

l was saying if you have any problems,

my tent is...

- Radar! Oh.

- l'm Corporal O'Reilly. They call me Radar.

- You'll stay in Major Burns' tent.

- Take them to Major Burns' tent.

And l'll change the numbers on the jeep.

Oh, and change the numbers on thatjeep.

Corporal O'Reilly, you're not billeting these

enlisted men in the officers' area, are you?

Oh, excuse me.

l'm working for my blind brother

who can't afford the trip to Korea.

- Unhand me, sir.

- Hey, Duke Forrest.

Now, that one's mine.

- Hi, fellas.

- Who? That one?

- Yeah.

- Who told you that?

- How do you know that?

- ''Though l walk through the valley

of the shadow of death,

l will fear no evil: for thoo art with me.''

Thou. Thou art with me.

- Jesus Christ.

- What's that about?

That's Major Burns, sir. Excuse me.

- New personnel, Major.

- Good.

- Hiya. Hawkeye Pierce.

- How do you do?

- Duke Forrest.

- Frank Burns.

- How are you?

- Go ahead, Ho-Jon.

''My cup runneth over.''

''Surely goodness and mercy

- shall follow...''

- What's this here?

Ho-Jon, one of our mess-hall boys.

l'm teaching him how to read.

ls that right?

Reading the Bible, huh? That's nice.

Listen, l got a book here

that's got a lot of pictures in it.

l think it's easier to learn how to read

when you look at pictures. A little adventure.

- May l leave now, Major?

- Sure, Ho-Jon.

You have fun.

There it is. Suture, Maty.

- What sutures are these?

- l can't see what the hell l'm doing.

- Scorch, l need some more sponge clamps.

- OK. Just a minute, Les.

Give me some big hunks of sponge,

for ctyin' out loud.

- Also some big sponges. Use these.

- That's bleedin'. That's gotta come out.

l can't stop that bleedin' down there.

- What's so funny?

- Nothing, sir. Not a thing.

- ls that true what l hear about you?

- Duke, back to the kidney. Come on.

- Oh, yeah.

- He's cute.

Give me a clamp. Give me a clamp.

- Here we go.

- Captain Pierce, did you call me?

No, and my name's Hawkeye.

Give me the saw.

l can't really see.

lt's like the Mississippi River down there.

Doesn't feel like it's in one piece.

l think it's gotta come out.

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