MASH Page #2

Get in. Get in there.

And give me some more

of that gauze wrapped up there.

- Ready?

- l'm ready.

Nurse, you got a clamp, please?

Scratch my nose. Just on the tip.

There. A little harder, please.

Attention. Attention.

All noncommissioned... Attention. Attention.

All noncommissioned officers

will report for short-arm inspection at 0400.

That is all.

- What's that?

- That's a martini, Frank.

Finest kind. We're trainin' Ho-Jon to be

a bartender. Would you care to imbibe, sir?

l don't drink.

Jesus Christ, l think he means it.

- l think we've been had, Hawkeye.

- l think you're right.

l don't think it's right to involve a boy

who's not 17 years old yet.

- You go to sleep now?

- Yeah.

- l go wash clothes.

- OK.

You make a mean martini there, Ho-Jon.

You keep it up, you hear?

Our Father, who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done,

on earth as it is in heaven.

- You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?

- Not with anyone beyond the age of eight.

And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom and the power

and the gloty, for ever and ever. Amen.

- Amen.

- Amen.

God, protect our men on the field of battle,

that they may return home to their dear ones.

And, dear God, protect

our supreme commander on the field

and our commander in chief

in Washington DC.

Frank, were you on this religious kick

at home or did you crack up over here?

Frank, how long does this show go on?

lt gets longer all the time. Now l have

your soul to pray for and Captain Pierce's.

Onward, Christian soldiers

Marching as to war

With the cross of Jesus

Going on before

Christ, our royal master

Leads against the foe

Forward into battle

See his banners go

Onward, Christian soldiers

Marching as to war

With the cross of Jesus

Going on before

- Yeah?

- What's the line-up?

Four waiting for surgety, two for the lV

and two for the antibiotics to take over.

We can probably handle that

if there's no more choppers. Pickup.

Scissors.

- You can't go in the colonel's office.

- That's who we're lookin' for.

Henty, you gotta do something.

We have stuck it out for a week. Pretty girl.

Yeah, she kinda grows on you.

- What is it, men?

- That sky pilot. Get him out of our tent.

- Your tent?

- Yeah. Get that nurse in there.

She won't keep us awake all night praying.

l've been here a long time. l know what you're

ttying to pull, but you won't push me around.

Not for the world would l push you around,

but, look, there is one more thing.

- We need a chest cutter.

- We need a good one, or there'll be trouble.

No MASH unit has a chest surgeon.

We won't get one.

Sir, they're behind in the OR

and the pre-op ward is jammed up.

The helicopters and ambulances

are coming in full.

You have to work early today.

And add overtime to a 12-hour day?

The union'll raise Cain with you.

With those hours, you need rest.

You can't get it with Burns jabbering to God.

Burns will go in 24 hours.

Tell them Captain Pierce

and Captain Forrest are on the way.

- Henty, there's one more thing.

- l told you Major Burns will go in 24 hours.

- The chest cutter.

- No.

l'll tty. You can't ask more than that.

My operation was fine.

lt's the head wound that did him in.

Dish, get over here and hold this retractor.

Dish, let me have a long needle holder.

Dago!

Amen.

- Pull it back, Duke.

- Hell, l can't.

- Get hold of the other one.

- Dago, l want you to hold this retractor. Now.

- Please, come on. Now.

- Yes. l'm sorty.

- Hi, Dago.

- Hold on. Don't wiggle it. Just hold on.

Clamp.

Sorty, Dago, but this man's still alive

and that other man is dead, and that's a fact.

Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago?

Hell, did you see it?

- Where's Hawkeye?

- You mean Captain Pierce?

- No, l'd have to look at the duty roster.

- They're in there.

- Oh, man.

- Hawkeye, you gotta remember, l'm married.

l'm married. l love my wife.

lf she was here, l would be with her.

There is no question of loving anybody.

lt is a question only of helping...

You see, l made a vow to myself

that while l was gone

l was gonna be faithful to my husband.

Those are vows you make

when you're with somebody.

Hawkeye?

- Ho-Jon?

- Duke say you better haul ass home quick.

- We got new chest cutter in our tent.

- OK.

This is Radio Tokyo bringing you

musical interlude for your enjoyment.

- That's him.

- Hiya. l'm Hawkeye Pierce.

Yeah. See? All l can get out of him

is he's from ''Bahston''

and he's been in the army two months.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah. And that's all.

Well, listen... where were you

when you were drafted?

l was just curious.

Back home. l told you before.

No, l mean, what were you doin'? Were you

like a resident or on staff some place?

Where?

Hospital.

Which hospital?

Back home.

Some reason

l shouldn't know which hospital?

l don't know. l will ask.

ls there some reason my friend

should not know the name of the hospital?

There doesn't appear to be any reason.

l've seen you somewhere before.

l don't know your name, stranger,

but your face is familiar.

Have you always had that moustache?

Are you a beer drinker,

or would you like to share a martini?

- Martini. That would be... l'd love a martini.

- Ho-Jon, give the gentleman a martini.

l think you will find these accommodating.

They're quite dty.

- Don't you use olives?

- Olives? Where the hell d'you think you are?

We do have to make concessions to the war.

We're three miles from the front line.

Yes, but a man can't really savour his martini

without an olive, you know.

Otherwise, you see, itjust...

doesn't quite make it.

Attention. The Evangelical United

Brethren Church has donated 34 hymnals

to the 4077th MASH unit.

These hymnals are located in the camp libraty

and may be checked out by those with cards.

That is all.

Listen, am l gonna get paid

for giving you guys lessons? Rib cutter.

Small bones, huh?

- l need a retractor also, nurse.

- Let's get her, baby.

What do you think? Can l tie this for you?

- You need some suction?

- Yeah, that's fine.

Pickups for me, please.

- How's he doing, John?

- He's doing well.

- A suture.

- Looks like that's it. Looks like that's it.

What did you do with our thread?

We're all out.

- More thread and larger needles.

- Let me?

- Let me have another suture.

- You surgeons are all alike.

lf this guy knew the clowns

who are operating on him, he'd faint.

- l think he has!

- Nurse, l need a suture.

- Coming.

- Keep ahead of him, babe.

- We need a couple more stitches in there.

- That's fine, yeah. Thank you.

lt's a good thing you have a nice body, nurse,

or we'd get rid of you.

- Don't stick me.

- Keep it clean.

l can tie that for you.

Let's have the big stitches

for holding up the chest.

- Larger needles, Knocko.

- Now sutures.

Start wrapping up. l could use another one.

Anybody know if he's an officer

or an enlisted man?

- He's an enlisted man.

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