MASH Page #3

- Make the stitches big.

Attention. Captain Bandi... Captain Bandini...

Attention. Attention. Captain Bandini

is now performing a palmaral pop...

poplit, a pop...

A palmaral P-O-P-L-l-T-E-R-A-L

artety explor... exploration,

and possible graft.

The following memo has just come through.

Please remove all pictures, postcards,

nude calendars, et cetera from the walls

so that our rooms may look

clean and orderly. That is all.

lt's you! Did l tell you how Androscoggin

College beat Dartmouth in a blizzard 6-0

- cos l intercepted a pass?

- Yeah.

They had this great passer,

and we held 'em 0-0 till the last 20 seconds.

And then snow and all he let one go,

and it went sailing, boom!

Lucky your mouth wasn't open

or it would've got stuck in your throat.

- How is Trapper John?

- l thought you'd never remember!

John Mclntyre, Trapper John.

Only man ever found fulfilment in

a Boston Maine Railway in the ladies' can.

Conductor opened the door, the girl

looked out and yelled ''He trapped me!''

- How are ya?

- l'm great. What's goin' on over there?

Well, well, well. Must be

Painless Polish Day in the shower tent.

Painless Polish Day?

- Walt Waldowski, the dentist.

- Those guys waiting to scrub his back?

No. He's what you might call

the best-equipped dentist in the army.

You may call it that.

Once in med school, l did an autopsy

on a guy. He would have been drowned.

- You an authority on that?

- l heard that one.

Extraordinaty. A friend had a...

Boy, man, l'd surely love to see that angty!

Nurse!

Boone, get me a cc of adrenaline

and a cardiac needle.

- l'm sorty. A c...?

- Just get it!

Pinch a bit?

And you can cut me about a four-inch piece

of wire and about an inch and a half of tape.

- Hi.

- Who is it?

lt's Trapper. Let's get some of this stuff off.

You idiot! l said a cardiac needle.

- You want me to get a nurse?

- lt's too late, Boone. You killed him.

At ease. This is Major O'Houlihan,

our new chief nurse.

This is where we do the dirty work.

- Captain Murrhardt.

- Sponge.

- Hi.

- Hi, Captain.

Dennis. Don't you remember?

l helped carty your luggage from the airfield.

- Oh, yes. Hello, Dennis.

- Hi.

- This is Captain Black.

- Hello, Captain Black.

- Hi, l'm Ugly John, your gas passer.

- Oh... Ugly John.

Oh, it's only you, Judson. Captain Sacks.

- Captain Sacks. How's the operation going?

- Are you kiddin'?

Scissors.

- Oh, and this is Captain Knocko McCarthy.

- Major! Oh, right!

Now l'll show you the rest of the operation,

if you'll excuse the pun.

This is the pre-op ward.

l'll take these things -

this is the post-op ward - if you don't mind.

Oh, Vollmer, take care of these, will you?

- Finished work for the day?

- Yes. Why?

Good. Good. l just wanted to make sure

you had time to sleep this off.

- Son of a b*tch!

- Trapper! Captain Mclntyre! What the hell...?

- That's a captain?

- What's going on? Who started this?

l hit him! He's an ignoramus,

that knucklehead!

He wouldn't have touched me

if l'd had my guard up.

Let us settle this, Colonel,

between ourselves. Alone!

Think this is an English boarding school?

Mclntyre, you're under arrest.

Confine yourself to quarters.

- Henty, are you kidding?

- l deeply regret this unfortunate incident.

We tty to remember

we're a militaty organisation.

l should certainly hope so.

Vollmer, that man is under arrest.

Confine him to his quarters.

- Captain Mclntyre, you are officially...

- Come on. Cut it out, Vollmer.

Attention, camp compound. Urine specimens

will be required from all pers...

Disregard last transmission.

- Sorty, Colonel.

- What the hell's the matter with you?

- Want some coffee?

- Please.

- Ho-Jon, some coffee.

- What's wrong with you?

l don't know. l must have lost my punch.

l never expected the son of a b*tch to get up!

- That's no kind of an answer.

- You know why he did it.

l can't have my junior officers

striking each other.

Dammit, Henty. Frank Burns is a menace!

Evety time a patient croaks on him he says

it's God's will or somebody else's fault.

This time he blamed it on some kid

who was stupid enough to believe him.

l'm tired of you ttying to run this outfit.

There's going to be disciplinaty action.

- What are you gonna do, Henty?

- l'd planned to name Trapper chief surgeon

- to consult on your shift and Frank's.

- That's damn good thinking.

But now l can't do it for at least a week.

lf l announced it now after what our new

chief nurse saw, she'd yell to Washington.

Don't you have any sugar in this place?

Good morning. Today's musical

selections will be rendered by

Achi Takamura Seamuchiwa Bobcats.

Colonel Blake, General Hammond did not

answer the phone. He was at a football game.

- Those generals have all the fun!

- Yes, sir.

Attention. Attention.

May l have the camp's attention?

This week's movie will be

''When Willie Comes Marching Home''.

The biggest parade

of laughs of World War ll.

All the loves, laughs and escapades

of the Willies who came marching home.

This film stars Dan Dailey,

Corinne Calvet and Colleen Townsend.

Captain Pierce, may l join you?

You've already joined me, gorgeous.

You're a sight for sore eyes.

Where do you come from?

Well, l like to think of the army as my home.

Oh, yeah? Yeah?

Ho-Jon, bring me some ketchup.

- l've been observing the nurses on your shift.

- l know.

Naturally, your own opinion

is more informed than mine.

You want to know what l think

of the nurses on my team. l'll tell you.

l think they're fine, just great.

l'm totally satisfied with them.

- Oh, no, that's the second time this week.

- Of course, what do you expect?

Welcome, gentlemen.

When the lights go on again

All over the world

You got enough room?

- ls he all right, Hawkeye?

- ls he all right, Dago?

Yes, you mean is he gonna live?

He'll live.

l hope somebody's gonna be around

tomorrow morning when he wakes up

to tell him that he hasn't got

anything between his legs any more.

Syngman Rhee paid the light bill.

- Major Burns is far from satisfied.

- That doesn't surprise me.

Frank Burns does not know

his way around an operating theatre.

He does not know his way around a body.

And if you'll have observed anything, you'll

have observed that Frank Burns is an idiot.

He has flipped his wig, he is out

of his head, he's a lousy surgeon.

On the contraty, l have observed that Major

Burns is not only a good technical surgeon,

- he is a good militaty surgeon.

- You finished?

l have also noticed that nurses as well as

enlisted men address you as ''Hawkeye''.

Because that's my name. Hawkeye.

That kind of informality is

inconsistent with maximum efficiency.

Oh, come off it, Major!

You've put me off my fried lobster.

Do you realise that?

l'm gonna go back to my bed, l'm gonna

put away the best part of a bottle of Scotch

and under normal circumstances,

you being normally what l'd call attractive,

l would have invited you back to share my

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