MASH Page #4

little bed with me and you might have come.

But you really put me off. l mean,

you're what we call a regular army clown.

l wonder how such a degenerate

could have reached a position

of responsibility in the army.

He was drafted.

- Radar!

- Your briefcase, sir.

- You're going to see Hammond.

- l'm spending the day with Hammond.

- Major Burns is in charge.

- Major Burns is in charge.

- Good luck.

- See you in the morning.

- Any last-minute instructions for the men?

- Radar has all the information.

But who's gonna be on CQ tonight?

Wait a minute. What about the...?

- Oh, Captain.

- Yes, sir.

l have some shirts with the buttons missing.

Ask Satsumi to sew them on, please.

- l'd be glad to do them.

- You don't have to.

- lt's nothing. Nice jacket. ls it new?

- Oh, yeah. My... lt was sent to me.

- You don't have to do that.

- Take care.

Hail to the chief,

he's the best of all the surgeons

He needs a queen to satisfy his urgin's

Hail to the chief,

he's the best of all the trappers

He needs a queen to sit upon his lappers

Hail to the chief,

he's the best of all the cutters

He needs a queen

with a bigger pair of udders

Hail to the chief...

Blake's gone out of his mind.

ls that gonna go on all night?

He took his orders

and shoved them up his rectum

No, no. No food. No food.

- Sex. l want sex. Bring me some sex.

- Scorch, come forth.

- No, no, bring me that one.

- He's chosen you!

That one. The sultty b*tch with

the fire in her eyes. Take her clothes off.

l want that one! Yes! Yes!

Take her clothes off and bring her

to me now! l want her now!

Doctor! Doctor!

You forgot your shingle, Doctor.

This letter

has been written

in the interest

of...

Army morale.

Good. Army morale.

Wait a second.

Radar's gonna sing us our verse.

''This letter has been written

in the interest of army morale.''

''We feel it is our duty to bring this

unwholesome situation to your attention.''

''We write this jointly to assure you no one's

personal feeling has influenced this report.''

''Respectfully,

Margaret J Houlihan, Major Burns.''

- That's perfect.

- l think it's a marvellous letter.

- We make a good team, don't we?

- We think the same way.

Of course we do.

lt's almost suppertime.

- You're not hungty, are you?

- Ravenous. How about you?

For you, Margaret.

Now, the sooner this reaches him, the sooner

we can turn this into a tight militaty outfit.

Attention, camp compound. Corporal Judson

has informed the colonel's office

that three cases of amphetamine sulphate

are unaccounted for again.

This is the third occurrence

of this type in the last month.

lt must stop, by order of

Colonel Blake's office, 4077th MASH unit.

l only wish l could

deliver that letter personally.

- Good night, Frank.

- Good night, Margaret.

- l'll stop by later on to see if you're all right.

- That won't be necessaty.

No, l don't mind.

l'll leave the door unlocked.

Attention. Captain Mclntyre will give

a lecture on blood and fluid replacement

in the mess hall at 0800... Correction.

At 021... At nine o'clock this evening.

Take your hat off, Radar.

You're before the king... queen.

Don't get nervous, Radar.

Long live the chief,

the colonel... the colonel

Long live the chief,

the colonel did elect him...

You all right?

Fine.

Godless buffoons, all of them.

lt's the disrespect for you, Frank.

That... that's what l can't forgive.

l'm used to it.

- Liquorice?

- No, thank you.

What makes me sore

is how they behave towards you.

They oughta be grateful to have you.

l certainly am.

l'm grateful to have you, Frank.

We've grown vety close in a short time.

lt isn'tjust chance.

l'm sure of that.

God meant us to find each other.

- His will be done!

- Darling!

Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank!

l'll help you. Oh, yes.

Oh! Wait, wait. Get my robe.

Get my zipper. My zipper.

Oh, God!

Get the searchlight on.

Put the light out before it opens.

Hi. What's going on? May l join you?

A little radio show from home.

Oh, yes. Oh, Frank.

- Oh, Frank. Oh, yes.

- ls this the Bickersons? l love them.

- Who?

- The Battling Bickersons. l love it.

Oh, Frank.

Hard. Oh, Frank.

Harder, harder.

No, l... l forgot. l...

- You're shining that thing in my eyes.

- Oh, l'm sorty.

Darling...

Oh, he is such a sweet man.

Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank, my lips are hot.

Oh! Kiss my hot lips!

- Yes, they are hot.

- Lips? Hot... hot lips?

We have got to share this

with the rest of the camp.

- Switch it over.

- OK.

Oh, Frank. Yes!

- Darling...

- Oh, oh, Frank.

Oh, Frank, strangle me hard.

- Frank! Oh!

- What the hell is that?

Oh! Oh, yes. Oh!

Dr Frank Burns is doing

a bit of dilatation and curettage.

- Sounds like the major's having a dream.

- She's plugged in.

Oh, Major.

Oh, Frank.

Frank. Wait a second.

- What is it?

- Turn the light off!

No! Let go! Turn the light off!

Get your clothes on! Get your pants on!

Don't shout at me.

Don't shove me.

Too bad Henty wasn't here. He'd have

thought it was a real radio programme.

l thought it was a radio programme.

We should send a letter of commendation

to the Armed Forces Radio Network.

Ah, wonderful. Yes. lt was the most

uplifting programme l have ever heard.

lt was climactic.

Morning, ladies.

Well, hiya, Hot Lips.

Oh. Oh, my goodness, over my...

l'm so sorty to touch you, but l...

- What's up with her today?

- l think it's one of those ladies' things.

- lt's not like her to act like this.

- She's made a...

B*tch. Look at my new flannel sweater.

- She's gonna have a nervous breakdown.

- She can't even get outta the door.

Morning, Frank.

Heard from your wife?

- Colonel, you forgot your briefcase.

- l left it in the jeep.

- You left it there.

- Oh, yes. l forgot it.

Morning, Captain. l hope

you didn't have to... Take care of this.

l hope you didn't have to bother

with those shirts. lt wasn't necessaty.

- Too late, sir. lt's a done thing.

- Well, thank you. Morning, Padre.

You know, l really got...

- Colonel, sir. How was your visit, sir?

- Great. The general wasn't there.

Listen, about last night, sir,

there was nothing l could do about it, sir.

- Nothing?

- Nothing.

- Well, it couldn't have been helped.

- Thank you, sir.

Oh, what's that?

Frank Burns and Hawkeye Pierce.

Vety encouraging.

A bunch of the boys asked me to ask you

what Hot Lips was like in the sack. Was she...

- Mind your own business.

- No, Frank. ls she better than self-abuse?

What's that all about?

He gonna get some pointers or somethin'?

No, Hawkeye's gonna sign him up to make

a personal appearance tour in all the camps.

ls that a fact?

Can you make out what they're saying?

Does that big ass of hers move around a lot,

Frank, or does it sort of lie there flaccid?

Hawkeye's questioning

the major on a point of anatomy.

Vety professional.

Would you say that

she was a moaner, Frank?

- What is Burns saying?

- Major Burns isn't saying much of anything.

He's formulating the answer.

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