MASH Page #5

Seriously, Frank. Does she go...

Or does she lie there quiet

and not do anything at all?

- Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.

- Or does she go...

Get him off me!

- Get him off me!

- Frank, is that lesson one?

Frank Burns has gone nuts!

l'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!

Watch out for your goodies. He's a sex

maniac. l don't think Hot Lips satisfied him.

Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye.

The time has come for us

To say sayonara

My heart will always

Be yours for eternity

l knew sometime

we'd have to say sayonara...

Colonel, fair's fair. lf l nail Hot Lips

and punch Hawkeye, can l go home?

l'll remember our romance

Until the day that l die

l'll see your face

ln the moon and stars in the sky

- Hawkeye!

- Be there in a minute.

- Hawkeye!

- Oh, sh*t.

OK. Seidman, get another guy. We gotta take

this into the ORjust on the stretcher.

Hold on, you're gonna be just fine, fella.

OK. l can't move my hand. Come on.

Have you got the cutdowns?

You're gonna go to sleep. You'll be fine.

- Hot Lips, let me have a sterile knife.

- l'm gonna need two vascular clamps

and an arterial suture.

As soon as you give me the clamp l want you

to gown and glove me. All right? Ready?

OK. Here we go. lt's gonna spurt a bit. OK.

- You got it?

- Ah, yeah, you baby.

- Clamp.

- Yeah.

OK, gown.

- Gloves. You got an arterial suture ready?

- Yeah.

OK. Ugly, move out of the way

cos l'm working over there.

Baby, we're gonna see some stitching

like you never saw before!

Attention. Attention.

This is Colonel Blake's office.

The American Medical Association has

just declared marijuana a dangerous drug.

Despite earlier claims by physicians

that it is no more harmful than alcohol,

this is now found to be the case. That is all.

When did you get them? Let me tty it on you.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Hey, Dago Reddo! Hi.

You're just in time for cocktails.

- Come on in.

- No, thank you. l can't, really.

- Hawkeye. Hawkeye.

- OK, Red.

- Could l speak to you?

- Yeah, sure.

No, outside.

- What?

- l have to talk to you outside.

Hiya, Pup-Pup.

- Sorty to drag you away from the gang, but...

- What?

This'll only take a moment.

There's a problem with Walt Waldowski.

Painless? You got a toothache? He's good.

No, no, it's not my problem.

See, it's his problem.

- What do you mean? What is it?

- Well, what is it... That's...

lt's difficult to talk about, you see, because

l learned about his problem in confession.

- Oh, and you can't...

- l can't divulge.

Can you give me a hint?

- Just an idea?

- Well, no.

But l can tell you how serious it is.

He and the boys were playing poker

and one of the boys turned to him and

asked him for a ruling on one of the hands.

And Walt said, he said

''What does it matter? lt's only a game.''

Painless said ''What does it matter?

lt's only a game''? Poker, only a game?

Yeah.

- Yeah, that's what l thought.

- l guess l better go see a man about a tooth.

Thank you.

- See, l didn't know what to... do.

- Pup-Pup.

You see, there are some...

There are some things that absolution just...

Well...

Seven, eight, jack. Three on a low.

Four, three... Hawkeye, there's

an empty chair here looking for a player.

Baby, l've got a toothache

like you can't believe.

Why do you bring that dog in here?

Last time you did l lost $30.

Why do you have to sit behind me?

lt makes me nervous.

- lt brings me a lot of luck. Sit there, Boone.

- Come on. Let's play, men. Deuce. Ace.

- Can l take some Scotch?

- Sure.

- You want some?

- No.

- How you feelin'?

- No, don't touch me.

Look, if a...

lf a man isn't a man any more,

what's he got left

that he should be living for?

OK, tell me about it. What's the stoty?

Well, you know that little nurse that was

through here last night with the 325th?

- The little one with the big... b*obs.

- Yeah, l know. Yeah.

Well, anyway, l...

l wasn't gonna fool around out here

because l got these...

l got these three girls

that l'm engaged to back home.

And you wanted to be faithful.

Baby, you are 7,000 miles from home.

Well, anyway, l took her out last night

and l... l failed.

- You mean she wouldn't put out?

- She wanted to, but it was me. l couldn't...

- Oh, you couldn't... lt wouldn't...

- Yeah, nothing happened. Not at all.

That happens to evetybody.

lt's happened to me four or five times...

Yeah, well, it's never happened to me before.

Come on. You're the best-equipped

dentist in the army.

- You're the dental Don Juan of Detroit.

- That's just a cover-up.

- What's a cover-up?

- Don Juanism.

- l've been reading about it. lt's a cover-up.

- lt's a cover-up for what?

Well...

l'm a faity.

A victim of latent homosexuality.

l've turned into a faity.

- Have you... have you done anything?

- No, but it's only a matter of time.

l just can't face it.

Look, Hawkeye, suppose that

you found out that you were one, huh?

- One...?

- Yeah. You wouldn't like telling your wife.

- No, l can see that that would be a problem.

- l got the same problem, only multiplied.

Well, you know, Man o'War,

after they retired him from racing,

they put him out to stud.

And he had an average of about 120,

130 foals evety year.

And he lived to be 36.

And then when he died they did an autopsy

and found out that he was a raving queen.

No, that's a little-known fact, but it's the truth.

- Painless has a couple of years left in him.

- Maybe more. He hasn't started raving yet.

Painless is a dentist, and a dentist

shouldn't read. That's his problem.

His problem is that he believes it.

He is convinced.

lt's an obsession and it is a vital force.

- Here he comes! The jawbreaker.

- He's not gonna break anything.

Just act natural.

All right, Painless? How's she goin'?

Something in a marshmallow?

No, it's OK, fellas. l know

you've been talking about me, and...

Well, l came over to tell you that l've decided

that l'm... going to commit suicide.

Well, if you're really gonna

go ahead and do it,

do you think you could

leave me your record player?

- Oh, sure.

- Thank you.

Gonna miss you, Painless. How do you

plan to do it? A .45 between the eyes?

- That's awful sloppy.

- lt's reliable though.

Well, that's another thing l wanted to ask you.

l'm sort of new at this game and...

Do you have any particular

method you'd recommend?

l don't know. l think my colleagues and l

could come up with something

- to relinquish the vital forces of their...

- Black capsule.

- Black capsule.

- Of course. That's neat.

What's a black capsule?

You have any? Does it work?

lt worked for Hitler and Eva Braun.

lt should work for you.

Hawkeye, l really must... l should

check with the militaty vicar's office.

l cannot give absolution to a man who is

about to commit suicide. lt's a mortal sin.

Look, Dago, he is not

committing suicide, only intending to.

So you're not dealing with an act,

but with an intention.

lf it works, he will not commit suicide, so

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