MASH Page #6

therefore you're preventing a mortal sin. OK?

Well, l should check.

- Well, you check on it.

- Well, there's...

All right, where you at?

There you go.

Now, then, you've all come here

to say your final farewell to ol' Walt here.

- Farewell, Walt.

- Dear ol' Walt.

You know, l got an idea that maybe

it's not such a final farewell after all.

l think maybe ol' Walt's goin' on into the

unknown to do a little recon work for us all.

- Huh?

- l just wanna say one thing.

Nobody ordered Walt to go on this mission.

He volunteered for certain death.

- That's true.

- lt's what we award our highest medals for.

- That's beautiful.

- That's what being a soldier is all about.

- Oh, yeah. Hear! Hear!

- Yes. Yes.

Gentlemen, l think there's only one person

who has anything to add to that.

- And that's Dago Red.

- Oh, the padre. Let's hear it for the padre.

Walt, here's... here's your black capsule.

Look, this thing works pretty fast, doesn't it?

l think l better go lie down over there.

Walt, that'll help you.

Through early morning fog l see

Visions of the things to be

The pains that are withheld for me

l realise

And l can see

That suicide is painless

lt brings on many changes

And l can take or leave it if l please

The game of life is hard to play

l'm going to lose it anyway

The losing card l'll someday lay

So this is all l have to say

- That suicide is painless

- Wherever you go, take this. Good luck.

- lt brings on many changes

- lt's out there.

- And l can take or leave it if l please

- l'll always remember you just like this.

The only way to win is cheat

And lay it down before l'm beat

And to another give my seat

For that's the only painless feat

Painless.

Suicide is painless

- lt brings on many changes

- Nice party. Thanks for asking me.

- And l can take or leave it if l please

- Thing is...

you're throwing your whole education away.

- And you can do

- Good night, Jawbreaker.

The same thing

lf you please

Hi, baby.

- Hi.

- l'm glad you could come.

Sorty it was so late.

That's OK. l really couldn't

sleep anyway. l'm so nervous.

You leavin' tomorrow?

Yeah. l'll be on my way in less than 12 hours.

l suppose who it's going to be really

roughest on though is your husband.

Why are you all of a sudden

so concerned with him?

A man would be more considerate to his wife.

He wouldn't go home a nervous wreck.

- Stop using logic cos you're just proving...

- lt could be an impersonal thing.

..why l shouldn't go to bed with you.

l didn't mean me.

You have the rare privilege that happens

to chief executives of states or nations.

You have the privilege

of restoring a human being's life

by a tender act of mercy.

What is this? Oh, Hawkeye, is he dead?

No, no.

He's not dead. Not yet.

Painless has a psychological problem,

and you're the only person who can help him.

Oh, no, Hawkeye. Oh, no. Come on.

No, Maria. You've gotta look on this as a

nurse. Painless needs it for therapeutic value.

lt will help him, and it wouldn't do you

any harm either to think about it for a bit.

lf you think that your virtue is more important

than Painless's life, that's fine.

l just want you to stay here

and be with him for a minute.

Just look at him.

- Just stay close to the whole man...

- Oh, Hawkeye!

and look at him.

Hawkeye!

Oh, this is ridiculous.

You forgot your hat! You wouldn't

wanna leave without a souvenir.

Have a good trip.

Lieutenant Schneider,

you forgot your travelling orders. Wait.

You're supposed to pick...

These are your travelling orders.

- Morning, Painless.

- Oh, hi, Hawkeye.

How's she goin'?

Slept like a doll last night.

Well, can't waste time. Big day.

Got two jaws to rebuild. Come on, Seidman.

Have a good day.

Attention. Attention.

Religious services for Yom Kippur

will be held... will not be held this Friday,

due to mitigating circumstances.

For those who wish to observe said holiday,

Sunday has been reserved. That is all.

Trapper, this one's for you, babe.

- That man is a prisoner of war, Doctor.

- So are you, but you don't know it.

- lt's in pretty deep.

- l think that was my finger.

l need your help, Hawkeye.

lt's hit more than a lung.

- What do you think?

- l don't know.

- Hey, Radar.

- Yes.

Has that A negative come in from Seoul?

- We keep ordering it, but it never arrives.

- How'd the kid take the induction, Ugly?

Good. He's ready.

Pickups and irrigation, please.

Give me some gel foam.

Not now, honey. Go back to sleep.

Scissors.

- Sponge.

- More sponges.

- Let's have the suction up here. Thank you.

- Rib spreader.

- Clamp.

- Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic.

- Lot of blood.

- Sponge.

- Scissors. Watch it.

- Give me something to stuff it in with.

- Pickups for me.

- How's he tolerating this?

- Good. He's young.

- Things get slippety.

- You're a backhanded guy.

- Let me have the forceps and a sponge stick.

Hot Lips, you may be a pain in the ass,

but you're a damn good nurse.

- Thanks, Trapper.

- Put enough blood in him, John.

There's a clot on the cava above the atrium.

Must be the point of entty.

Clamp.

l feel a fragment right underneath the clot.

- You control the cava.

- OK.

- We gotta stop that spurting.

- Clamp.

- Do what?

- Stop the spurting.

That's a vety good technical term.

Christ. lt's not in the cava.

lt's in the pulmonaty artety on the left side.

- OK. Let me close him up and sit on it for...

- We can't sit on it. What if we're jammed up?

We don't have the blood!

lf you cut again, you'll lose him.

Look, Hawkeye, the artety can erode.

Now's the time to take our shot.

- A negative.

- You said you didn't have any blood.

l found a donor.

Up close, all crumpled up like that,

they don't look like much, you know.

Was he loaded or empty when he crashed?

He was loaded, but it didn't matter much.

You see, the two guys

he was cartying were dead already.

What about the pilot?

Pilot's fine. Took off a kneecap and he lost

the function in his right hand, but he's great.

l didn't hear. What colour was her hair?

Black, shiny. Shiny, black hair.

Black? You like black?

l... l'm kind of partial to blonde myself.

l knew it. l knew you had

an attraction for Hot Lips Houlihan.

- Hear! Hear!

- Go to hell, Captain Pierce.

You know l damn near puke evety time l look

at her. 'Sides, l'll bet she's not a real blonde.

How dare you say that about

an officer of the United States Army, sir?

l'll not only say it,

but l'll back it with 20 bucks. How's that?

You have yourself a bet, sir.

You're my witness.

OK, but who's gonna be

the poor schmuck who finds out?

Well, l could, if no one else wants... l...

No, no. We...

We gotta all see it together somehow.

lt's five minutes after the time

the nurses shower. Where are they?

They will be here.

Finest kind, Ho-Jon.

- What's happening?

- Radar...

- See the papers?

- What?

You don't know about

the papers the colonel left?

- Why didn't you tell me about the papers?

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