MASH Page #7

- l tried to.

Here you go, here you go. They're comin'.

- Evelyn, could you give me a hand?

- Sure.

Hey, Frankie, could you

take a look at my corns, please?

Knocko, the pictures of my kids have come.

- Hot Lips, would you like to see them?

- l'm not interested.

Hey, Scorch.

Bravo!

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo! Author! Bravo!

Bravo! Author! Author!

20 bucks, huh?

You win the bet.

Oh! That's it!

- Major, what went on?

- Where's Blake?

- You can't see Colonel Blake.

- You shut up, you twerp!

This isn't a hospital! lt's an insane asylum!

And it's your fault because

you don't do anything to discourage them!

- What do you want me to do?

- Put them under arrest!

See what a court-martial thinks

of their drunken hooliganism!

First they called me Hot Lips,

and you let them get away with it!

And then you let them

get away with everything!

And if you don't turn them over

to the MP this minute,

l... l'm gonna resign my commission!

Goddammit, Hot Lips,

resign your goddamn commission.

My commission!

My commission!

My commission!

A little more wine, my dear?

Yes, please.

ls that right?

Come on, baby.

Come on. You all right? Keep it straight, eh?

- First the present, then dinner, then a movie.

- You mean all three of you?

- Where l go, Warren goes.

- You don't want me to go with you?

Well, Boone...

He's Syngman Rhee's son,

and he goes right in.

Hey, soldier!

- Me?

- Yeah, you. Where you from?

- A MASH outfit at the front line.

- No, l mean your hometown.

lt's on the East Coast.

Have you been wounded yet?

Yeah, a little... a slight...

- Would you like to say hello to your mother?

- Well, my mother's dead actually.

Oh. Well, l'm sorty.

- l'd like to say hello to my father, if l could.

- Yeah, yeah, fine.

Hi, Dad.

Excuse me. l am making

an examination of this young man

to find out if he would be

a soldier in our army.

Yeah, l know. Hi, Ho-Jon.

How's she goin', boy?

His heartbeat is much too fast

and his blood pressure is dangerously high.

Oh, yeah?

l guess you think he's unfit for the army, eh?

Yes, at first. But when l saw on his paper

he worked in an American hospital

where there are many drugs

and he could have taken some by mistake.

- What would he do a thing like that for?

- Who knows?

To find the truth l will keep him here

for a couple of days.

By tomorrow his fast heart

and high blood pressure may be gone.

- Look...

- So l suggest you say goodbye to him now.

- Doctor, l've...

- lt was a nice tty. Come on, Ho-Jon.

Oh, man!

This is brought to you through Radio Tokyo

by courtesy of the Veterans of Foreign Wars,

Post Number 63 of Sedalia, Missouri.

A federal court rules that

El Du Pont de Nemours and Company,

Remington Arms Company and the lmperial

Chemical lndustries Limited of Great Britain

have conspired to divide munition...

ldiot! He knocked me down the hill!

He broke my umbrella!

l wish they wouldn't land these things

when we're playing golf.

- That's him on the right. Wait! Wait!

- Captain Mclntyre.

The lieutenant's come from Seoul to see you.

- You're Captain Mclntyre?

- Yes, l'm Captain...

Lieutenant, you look terrible. Captain,

look at his eyes. Let me see your tongue.

Oh, no, no. Take your shirt off

and tell me where it hurts.

l haven't seen a case like this

since l was in school. My goodness.

Listen, Vollmer, tell them

to prepare the major surgety.

This is one case in five. l think l can save you.

You're to proceed to

Kokura, Japan, immediately.

Kokura, Japan! What's this about?

There's a congressman. Grenade went off

in practice. There's a piece in his heart.

- What?

- Gl's dad's a congressman.

Grenade went off in practice.

Piece in his heart.

- That the X-rays?

- Yeah.

Apparently some big heart surgeon

in Boston told the congressman

the only man to take care of his son

is Captain John Mclntyre.

Of course, l suppose there could be

two Captain John Mclntyres.

No, no, l'm the only John Mclntyre.

Look, Hammond says l can take

someone to assist me. Wanna come?

Yeah.

Lieutenant, l think l can save you.

Take one of these evety half-hour.

Now, get into your helicopter and button up

your shirt! You're in the militaty army!

- lt isn't even close to his heart.

- l know, it's nothing.

But how many times do you get to go

to Japan with your golf clubs?

Come on, Shirley.

Goddamn army.

Goddamn army!

Goddamn army jeep!

Excuse me, could you tell me

where the congressman's son is?

- Ward six.

- Darling, would you register us?

Just a moment!

You can't go in there. Who are you?

- Who am l? The pro from...

- l don't believe you.

You can't go in till l call Captain Peterson.

Wait a second. lf this soldier wants to enforce

her orders, l'll take her on single-handedly.

- Get away!

- You open this.

- He's won two Purple Hearts.

- You can't come in!

- l'll ravage your body.

- l'll call the police. You can't come in!

- You have not seen such a beast!

- l'm gonna call Captain Peterson. Stay away!

- Captain Peterson, please.

- Captain Peterson!

- What are you two hoodlums doing here?

- Ma'am, we are surgeons here to operate.

You can't go near a patient until Colonel

Merrill says it's OK. And he's still at lunch.

Mother, l wanna go to work in one hour.

We are the pros from Dover

and we figure to crack this kid's chest

and go play golf before it gets dark.

So find the gas passer,

have him premedicate the patient,

then bring me the latest pictures on him.

The ones we saw were old.

Then tell the kitchen to rustle us up lunch.

Ham would be fine. Steak would be better.

Then get one nurse who knows how to work

in close without getting her tits in my way.

Oh, you fool.

How do you want your steak cooked?

Towel.

Say the magic words,

you make a hundred dollars.

All right! l demand an explanation.

Somebody get that dirty old man out.

Dirty old ma...

l'm Colonel Merrill.

l don't care if you're Jack Armstrong,

the All-American Boy.

lf this chest gets infected,

l will tell the congressman who did it.

- Scissors, please.

- Will you let me have a skin suture?

Old pickups.

- Who was that?

- That's Colonel Merrill.

- This is his little store here.

- Oh, yeah?

Who are you?

l'm Dr Jekyll actually.

This is my friend Mr Hyde.

Why don't you save your rapierlike wit

for the clam diggers back home, Hawkeye?

Did l ever tell you about my friend,

Me Lay Marston?

Oh, yeah. Your friend who would go

around saying ''Me lay, you lay'' to the girls.

He'd score once out of 50 times.

Yeah, you told me about him.

He's passing gas for

the congressman's son here.

Oh, really? When he's not passing gas,

does he play golf?

l don't know.

- D'you play golf?

- No. l have no time for golf.

l'm moonlighting down at Dr Yamachi's

New Era Hospital and Whorehouse.

This old guy l met when l came over.

He has a crude hospital for kids and finances

it with a whorehouse all in the same building.

lt's the NEHWH. Come on down

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