MASH Page #8

and we'll get something going for you.

- l've got an in in Kokura!

- Here, soldier, take these.

Take our golf carts, but don't drop anything

cos we're gonna play golf later.

Goodbye, pimp.

- Ladies.

- Girls.

Gentlemen. Be careful with that...

Militaty police.

All right, fellas, the game's over.

Finally caught up with us, huh?

Where did we fail?

l don't know. l think it was the woman.

Something tells me l've seen her before.

She was the one in Tangiers.

You can wait in the colonel's office.

He'll be back in a few minutes.

We don't blame you.

You're only doing yourjob.

United Press lnternational

today voted the Korean War

- the top news stoty of 1951.

- We're in the middle of putting.

My God.

All right. You men are under arrest.

- l'll have you court-martialled!

- Come off it, Colonel.

You don't have us. We have you.

Your boys blew this case

and we bailed you out.

Now we are gonna stay here for one more day

and check out the congressman's kid,

and... get in some golf for ourselves.

lf that's OK with you, then we got a deal.

And if it isn't, we can always call Washington

and you tell them your stoty and

we'll tell them ours. lt's as simple as that.

ln the meantime we'll be at the pro shop

where we are gonna shower and shave.

lf you wanna get in touch with us,

that is where we will be.

ls that a client?

Excuse me.

Oh, you tty one.

- Good?

- Oh, it's terrible.

Listen, l hate to do this to you fellas,

but do you think

you could look at a kid for me?

- Now?

- A kid?

We had a little carelessness here,

and the other day one of our girls presented

us with an 8lb American-Japanese boy.

Whenever we feed him, it either comes

right back up or he coughs and he turns blue.

We don't have to see him. Just tell that

half-assed hospital to get some Lipiodol

and we'll take some X-rays.

We can't get near that place.

With a civilian, the colonel has a big thing

about it, especially a ''native''.

Then don't tell him any more than necessaty.

Tell him the pros have an emergency.

Tell him to get the OR ready and Trapper

and l'll fix his tracheo-oesophageal fistula.

OK, Me Lay, put him down in here.

Get him to sleep

as quick as you can, will you?

- Where did this baby come from?

- Watch him.

- ls this what you got us up for?

- Yeah.

We stumbled on him. We don't want him,

but we can't back away from him.

This time l will not be intimidated.

l command that this illegal use

of army facilities cease immediately!

On this point l stand as firm as

the Rock of Gibraltar.

And furthermore l... You can't do this...

- This one is for West Point.

- What the Sam Hill's going on here?

That's what they all say.

What a filthy, disgusting, despicable...

There's no competition to the Painless Pole,

but it's pretty healthy.

- We caught you with your pants down!

- Men are fighting on the front line!

Attention! Attention!

Colonel Blake has secured for us

''The Halls of Montezuma'',

so big only the biggest of the screen

can bring it to you all.

Technicolor. ''Tell it to the Marines'',

those lovable lugs with wonderful mugs,

who we now love more than ever.

Tell them they're still

the greatest guys in the world.

Follow Lieutenant, Punchy,

Limey, Baby-Face, Doc,

the Poet, Pretty Boy and Slattety

through some of the most

interesting war films yet created.

Due to a possible camp infection,

Arlene Chu's Hollywood Grill is now off limits.

That is all.

- Could l have some longer needles?

- Get this sponge outta the way.

Cut down on the back. Hey, Dago.

- Hi. Did you have a nice time in Japan?

- Yeah, l screwed a kabuki dancer.

- Let me have the long-fingers.

- lt's OK?

Yeah, but l can't stop this bleeding.

- How's the intake, Painless?

- Normal.

- l'm here if you need me, Henty.

- Oh, l can't talk to you now, Padre.

No, l mean he's going to be all right, isn't he?

- Oh, he's going to be fine.

- Oh, good.

Does anybody else need help?

Oh, ask around.

What's he got the flaps down for?

- Duke! Come on, Duke. Open up.

- What? No, l don't want any.

Hey, Duke. Come on. Open up, man.

Who is it?

- What the hell you doing back here?

- We've been working for hours. Open up.

Wait a minute. l'll be right with you.

- Hi, Hot Lips.

- You miss us?

Shame, shame on you.

Well...

- Radar.

- Yes, sir.

Hold this, please.

- Colonel Blake.

- Henty? Yeah. Charlie here. Yeah.

l've got news for you. You were so concerned

about the battle for Old Baldy.

- Well, it's all over.

- Oh, that's great news, General. Who won?

Oh, by the way, l have a report here, Henty,

from your chief nurse Major O'Houlihan.

She makes some accusations, Henty,

l find pretty hard to believe.

Don't believe 'em then. Thank you, goodbye.

Yeah... What?

- Thank you, Radar.

- You're welcome, sir.

Attention. Attention. Friday night's

movie will be ''The Gloty Brigade''.

Rock 'em, sock 'em, kisses you never got.

lt's Uncle Sam's combat engineers

charging side by side with Greeks... Anzacs,

showing the world a new way to fight,

as they use bulldozers like bazookas,

bayonets like bazookas... bullets.

Starring Victor Mature. That is all.

l'll be with Colonel Blake. Check this place

out. See what the nurses are like, huh?

Right, sir.

- 4077th Mobile Army Surgi...

- Yeah, yeah.

- Sir, d'you know...

- Yes, l know where he is.

Oh. All right.

All right.

- Thank you.

- Look, Charlie,

you can't blame Henty because

Hot Lips Houlihan can't stand her name!

You know, she's just a lady though.

What the hell?

Come on, for ctying out loud. She's

regular army. She's a fanatic about ritual.

She won't even let us play football.

- Football?

- General, she's all lined up, Charlie.

Yeah. l didn't know you had a football team.

lt's pretty much in the planning stage.

No, no, we have a vety fine football team.

Yeah? Well, we had a team

back with the 325th Evac last year.

- And what a team that was.

- Yeah. l coached the boys myself.

- He's the finest coach in the Far East.

- Yeah.

We're ttying to work out a schedule

of the outfits we're gonna play this year.

Of course, we, you know, throw

a little money into a pot and make bets.

How much... how much money

do you put into your pot?

- Five thousand, six thousand.

- Five thousand dollars!

Look, l don't think we're in

the sort of league you're in.

Well, l'm sure we can find a date

when we can play your team.

- lt can be arranged.

- Yeah. l think l'll talk this over with Henty.

Thanks, boys. Thanks for the drink.

- Thank you.

- What the hell you...?

Sir, ever since the dark days before Pearl

Harbor, l've been proud to wear this uniform.

- What the hell is this?

- A helicopter.

That man has five times

the manpower to draw on than we do.

Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right?

We get Henty to apply, make

a specific application for a neurosurgeon.

He asks for Dr Oliver Harmon Jones.

- Dr Oliver Harmon Jones?

- Oh, he's... Who is Oliver Harmon Jones?

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