MASH Page #9

He is better known as Spearchucker Jones.

- He's a good ballplayer.

- Yes! That Negro boy, played with the 49ers.

- Sure.

- Sure, l remember. He's good.

Henty, if we had closer relations, we wouldn't

have this misunderstanding, right?

Now, that's where a football game

would help between your outfit and mine.

A football game?

We put up a few bets,

five thousand maybe, and have a little fun.

Special Services in Tokyo

says it's one of our best gimmicks

to keep the American

way of life going in Asia.

- Betting?

- No! Football.

But what about Major O'Houlihan?

You mean Hot Lips? Screw her!

- lt's a helicopter, General.

- l know it's a helicopter!

l just wondered

about the social problem, you know.

l mean, he's the only Negro officer

in the whole camp, you know.

We got a problem,

we'll stick him in with us, baby boy.

- You're serious, ain't you?

- Sure, l'm serious.

lt's enough for me to have to put up with

you two Yankees, but l'm, you know, that's...

Because of his wife,

or was it a religious problem?

- lt was a conditioning problem.

- Why you called Spearchucker?

l used to throw the javelin.

Right, we're not here to sell lemonade,

we're here to practise.

But first let's welcome Spearchucker.

ls it all right to call you that?

Call me whatever you want.

l want you to know we're all the same here

on the playing field, officers and men alike.

Now, we're going to begin

with the three basic principles:

organisation, discipline and teamwork. Now...

- Pardon me. Mind if we limber up first?

- That's a good idea. You organise that.

Move that line, hey!

Hold that line, hey!

All right, Seidman, keep 'em pushin'

that whatever you call it.

That's good. All right, Hot Lips,

keep their arms and limbs moving.

Radar, you're a coach.

You're not a corporal, you're a coach,

so keep them going through there.

Good, Hot Lips.

All right, Seidman, give 'em five.

All right, men, take five. Spearchucker.

We look pretty lousy, don't we?

For college players that have been

out of training for seven years, yeah, you do.

l got an idea how we can make some money.

We leave him out of the first half. We bet half

our money. They roll up some points, OK?

Second half we stick him in.

We get odds from them.

We bet the other half. We clean up.

- Good thinking, Captain.

- Sounds good to me.

Oh, and l had another idea.

l think we should have some plays.

Usually in football you have organised plays.

- Well, if you don't mind, l took the liberty.

- Oh, you have.

- l drew up seven or eight plays.

- Oh, these are good.

- l think that's all this bunch can handle.

- Oh, vety good. Yes. Oh, vety, vety good.

What are these little arrows?

Right into his hands!

- Well, it's only six points.

- Six points!

- lt's only one point.

- One point!

Who's that number one? We can't stop him.

They call him Super Bug.

He had one year with the Rams.

- We can't do anything with him in there.

- You gotta come in. We can't wait.

No, we stick to our strategy,

but you gotta get him out of the ball game.

Hey, Davidson! Here!

Let's ease up just a little bit.

We don't want the score too lopsided.

He caught it!

- Who's he giving it to?

- lsn't that Corporal Judson?

Judson's a lineman! Judson can't run!

For ctying out loud, Judson,

what're you doin'?

- Duke, you threw me that ball!

- You had the field open! Why'd you fall?

l'm no goddamn runner, l'm a lineman.

We're gonna really clean up today.

- Ah, it's only two points.

- Two points.

- What d'you think you are, a cannon?

- What kind of a snap was that?

We got a lot of money on this game.

This is embarrassing!

Let's go! Yeah!

- What happens now?

- We get a free kick.

A free kick! Girls!

Hit that ball! Kick that ball!

- Another six points.

- Another six points.

Look. Look. He's hurt.

He's leaving the game!

He's hurt! He's hurt!

He's leaving the game! He's hurt!

He's hurt! He's hurt!

He's leaving the game! He's hurt!

What the hell's the matter with you? Smith!

- Those damn bastards pulled something.

- Coach, did l break my 400?

400! This is not a track meet. This is a football

game. What d'you think l pay you for?

Get him up. Walk him around. Do something.

- l think l won the 440.

- 440! This is a football game, goddammit!

All right, you guys, get in there and kill 'em!

All right, bub, your f***in' head

is comin' right off.

- l'm ready, Coach.

- Ready for what?

- l'm in the broad jump, Coach.

- Get him back on the bench. Broad jump!

- Still 16 to nothing.

- 16 to nothing.

Well, that's not bad.

16 to nothing in the first half.

l have to give them the old Knute Rockne.

- About time for the gun.

- Right.

Men, ever since the dark days before Pearl

Harbor, l've been proud to wear this uniform.

- Got a towel?

- Henty, have you pressed the bets?

- Today we are wearing...

- Have you pressed the bets?

Oh, the bets! Finish the half-time speech.

Hit 'em with a mortar!

Kick 'em off the hill!

Mash 'em! Smash 'em!

Kill! Kill! Kill!

Hot Lips! There's a time

and a place for everything, dammit!

Oh! Right. Bo-bo.

Bo! Bo!

Come on, Smitty. Come on, boy.

- What's the matter with him?

- You oughta know. You pulled something.

- l guess you don't wanna double the bet.

- The hell l don't.

We beat you without him,

and we'll go on beating you.

- Are you prepared to back that up with odds?

- Damn right. Three to one. Double the bet.

Player 24, who is he?

Stop him!

Stop him! Stop him! Who is that guy?

He wasn't in the game in the first half.

Stop him!

- That's Spearchucker Jones.

- Who?

He played with San Francisco before he

got drafted. He's gonna be tough to stop, too.

Henty, you brought in a ringer, did you?

- Radar, what's the general ttying to say?

- Didn't bring him in in the first half!

He's just been informed

as to the identity of our Spearchucker.

- His ringer's spotted our ringer.

- How do you like them apples, Charlie?

- You can't trust anybody.

- Now watch him make the extra point.

lsn't that illegal?

What kind of team is it?

They're falling all around like dead flies!

Look! A red flag! We've got a red flag!

Hot Lips!

lt's a penalty, you idiot.

Judson, get off of him.

You'll be thrown out of the game.

Judson, kill him!

What's wrong with you?

We're here to play football, not fight!

Bastard 88 called me a coon.

Called you a what?

Coon.

OK, that's an old pro trick

to get you thrown out of the ball game.

- Why don't you do the same thing to him?

- What, call him a coon?

No, the boys in camp used to talk about

his sister. Her name was Gladys. Use it!

- Yeah.

- All right, all right.

What the hell are you doing, for God's sake?

What's the matter here?

They're takin' him out.

69 is divine!

69 is divine!

There you go, Charlie. Another

side of beef for your butcher shop.

Let's get the ball and really go

Hey, hey! Ho, ho!

- Who's the brunette? She new?

- Yeah, l had her shipped in.

Yeah. Not bad.

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