Maskerade

---

- [breathing heavily]

thud!

[baby crying]

[pounding on door]

- LYDIA!

OPEN THE DOOR.

LET ME IN!

[pounding]

LYDIA, I KNOW

YOU HAVE THE CHILD.

THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU, LYDIA.

LYDIA!

THE PECKS JUST WAN THEIR BABY.

[baby crying]

[choking]

- [groaning]

crack!

AH!

[breathing heavily]

[speaking French]

- [crying]

[pounding on door]

- [speaking French]

- LYDIA!

DON'T!

PLEASE.

- [speaking French]

PARDONNEZ-MOI, MONSIEUR.

PARDONNEZ-MOI.

[baby cooing]

- [screams]

[gunshot]

[ominous music]

- [inhales deeply]

[clamoromh]

- GIVE ME MY BABY!

OH, MY SON!

[screaming]

[screaming]

YOU KILLED MY BABY!

I WANT MY SON!

[sprawling rock music]

- PICK ANY 13-YEAR PERIOD IN

THE HISTORY OF THE STOCK MARKET,

AND YOU'LL SEE AN INVESTOR

MADE AT LEAST 10%.

THE LESSON?

SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE.

- BUT DOESN'T THAT INVESTOR HAVE

A RESPONSIBILITY TO BE ACTIVE?

TAKE ANY OF THOSE

AND LET ME MAKE ONE TRADE,

JUST ONE TRADE.

THEN 10% CAN BECOME

- OR IN THAT ONE TRADE,

YOU COULD LOSE IT ALL.

- IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE HEAT,

THEN GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN.

- JUST LIKE A WOMAN TO COMPARE

INVESTING TO COOKING.

- [chuckles]

- OKAY, THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY.

SEE YOU GUYS NEXT WEEK.

- JENNY-BOO.

- HEY.

- HEY?

I TOOK THE DAY OFF WORK

IN CELEBRATION OF YOUR BIRTHDAY.

ALL I GET'S "HEY"?

- I'M SORRY.

THANK YOU.

NO, IT'S JUST, SO FAR,

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE

WHO'S REMEMBERED.

- REALLY?

- YES.

- NAH-AH.

- ANNETTE HAS AN ENTIRE

FOOTBALL FIELD:

SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HER.

ME?

I GET MY BALLS BUSTED BY

PROFESSOR DINGLEBERRY IN THERE.

- [laughing]

UGH.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT EVAN?

- HE'S PROBABLY SLEEPING IT OFF

IN SOME FRAT HOUSE.

- OR NOT.

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY,

JENNIFER RITCHIE!

- I'M OUT OF HERE.

BYE-BYE.

- HEY, WAIT.

WHAT ABOUT TONIGHT?

- I'M GONNA TRY

AND MAKE IT.

- HILLARY.

- IT'S KEN.

HE HAS A NEW ROLE-PLAYING

SCENARIO ALL PLANNED OUT,

WHERE HE'S THE AMERICAN

WOUNDED SOLDIER,

AND I'M...

[in French accent]

THE FRENCH NURSE.

I KNOW, I MEAN,

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO

[in French accent]

A SIMPLE FINGER IN THE BUTT?

IT USED TO BE ENOUGH.

- [laughing]

EVEN WITH THE ACCENT,

IT'S STILL GROSS.

- YOU HAVEN'T HAD BOYFRIENDS

WHO LIKE THAT?

- NO.

- REALLY?

- NO. NO.

- OKAY, SO I'M A SLUT, THEN.

BYE.

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

- HMM.

- WHAT'S WRONG?

- DO YOU THINK

I'M A GOOD FRIEND?

- YOU'RE AN EXCELLENT FRIEND.

- THANK YOU.

I THINK SO.

I REALLY TRY TO GO OUT OF MY WAY

FOR PEOPLE:

TO MAKE THEM FEEL SPECIAL

ON THEIR BIRTHDAYS.

HILLARY, I TOOK HER ON

A SHOPPING SPREE TO FOREVER 21.

ANNETTE, I BAKED HER THA RIDICULOUS VEGAN-IZED CAKE.

I DON'T EVEN--I STILL DON'T EVEN

KNOW WHAT IT IS,

BUT I DID IT.

- HEY, WELL, REMEMBER,

JUST GIVE IT TIME, BABE.

THE DAY IS STILL YOUNG.

- YEAH.

YOU REMEMBERED, RIGHT?

- WAIT, WHAT ARE WE

TALKING ABOUT?

OF COURSE I REMEMBERED.

COME ON.

- OKAY.

SO WHAT DID YOU GET ME?

- HMM.

DOESN'T FIT IN MY POCKET.

GOT TO TAKE YOU TO IT.

- GOT TO TAKE ME TO IT?

- MM-HMM.

- OKAY.

WE ARE NOT GOING

TO BURGER KING AGAIN.

EVAN REYNOLDS,

EVEN AS A JOKE,

THIS WILL BACKFIRE ON YOU.

- JENNIFER RITCHIE,

IT'S NOT BURGER KING.

- OKAY. GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD.

SO WHEN DO I GET TO SEE IT?

- HMM, HOW ABOUT RIGHT NOW?

- YEAH?

YOU PACKED A BAG?

- MM-HMM.

- WE'RE GOING SOMEWHERE?

- MM-HMM.

- I LOVE IT.

- COME ON. LET'S GO.

- YES.

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

- HMM, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

- [laughing]

I'LL BE LIKE THAT KID:

"WHERE WE GOING?

ARE WE THERE YET?

ARE WE THERE YET?"

[somber piano music]

I WANT TO OPEN MY EYES.

- YOU KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED.

- I CAN'T.

I'M STARTING TO GET CARSICK.

- THERE IS NO SUCH THING

AS GETTING CARSICK.

IT'S A SCIENTIFIC FACT.

- FINE, BUT IF I PUKE,

I'M DOING IT ON YOU.

SCIENTIFIC FACT.

- YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE INTO

THAT SORT OF THING, YOU KNOW.

- WAIT A MINUTE.

ARE YOU TAKING ME

TO A REMOTE LOCATION

WHERE YOU PLAN ON MURDERING ME

FOR MY BIRTHDAY?

- DAMN IT.

SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE.

- DON'T WORRY.

I'LL ACT SURPRISED.

[laughing]

- HEY, NO PEEKING!

- I'M NOT PEEKING.

- KEEP 'EM CLOSED.

- WHO WAS PEEKING?

- DO IT AGAIN.

SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

ALMOST THERE.

KEEP 'EM CLOSED.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

- WELL, I DON'T WANT I TO COME TO THIS,

BUT IF I HAVE TO MAKE YOU

GO DOWN ON ME, I WILL.

- I WILL BITE IT.

- [laughs]

[foreboding orchestral music]

- WE'RE HERE?

- YOU READY?

- YES.

- OKAY.

YOU CAN OPEN THEM.

IT'S A HOUSE.

- YEP.

WHAT THE F***?

- JENNY, WHAT?

- NO, IS THIS--

IS THIS A JOKE?

- NO, IT'S NOT A JOKE.

- DID YOU THINK THAT I WOULD

THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

- IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE--

- BRINGING ME TO A HAUNTED HOUSE

ON MY BIRTHDAY.

- IT'S NOT A HAUNTED HOUSE.

IT'S NOT SUPPOSED

TO BE FUNNY.

- TAKE ME HOME.

- THIS IS HOME.

- WHAT?

- I BOUGHT THIS PLACE...

FOR US.

- HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?

WHAT ABOUT OUR APARTMENT?

WHAT ABOUT SCHOOL?

THIS IS SO FRICKIN' YOU.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S ME?

- ALWAYS BOUNCING AROUND

FROM ONE THING TO ANOTHER:

CHANGING JOBS,

CHANGING MAJORS,

MOVING EVERY SEMESTER.

WE SHOULD BE INTERNING

THIS SUMMER, EVAN,

LOOKING FOR A JOB,

NOT OU IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

ON SOME CRAZY:

REAL ESTATE SPECULATION.

LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

IT IS TRASH.

- LET'S GET MARRIED,

ALL RIGHT?

NO, NO, WAIT.

I NEED MY SPACE.

NO, NO, NO.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE.

NO, WAIT!

WAIT, I MISS YOU.

LET'S GET BACK TOGETHER.

- WHAT THE HELL

DOES THAT MEAN?

- IT MEANS I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE

THAT'S BOUNCING AROUND.

OPEN IT.

- "TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE,

"THE ONE THAT I WANT TO BE

MY WIFE.

"I KNOW IT DOESN'T LOOK

LIKE MUCH,

"BUT I HAVE

AN EXTRAORDINARY HUNCH

"THAT IF WE FIX THIS UP,

"WITH ANY LUCK, WE'LL SELL I FOR A MILLION BUCKS.

THEN WE CAN RETIRE

AND HAVE SEX ALL THE TIME."

REALLY?

- I KNOW THAT LAST LINE

DIDN'T RHYME,

BUT IT CAME FROM THE HEART.

THERE'S ANOTHER PIECE OF PAPER

IN THERE.

- YOU SIGNED MY NAME?

- YOU ARE A HOMEOWNER.

- I AM A HOMEOWNER.

- IT'S A PROPERTY INVESTMENT.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERY DAY

SINCE DECEMBER,

AND I FOUND IT ONLINE.

SO I DROVE UP HERE, AND I MADE

AN OFFER THAT DAY.

AND, LOOK, I KNOW IT'S NO YOUR DREAM HOUSE,

BUT IT'S BIG,

AND IT COMES:

WITH A LOT OF LAND.

- HOW MUCH LAND?

- 40 ACRES.

- WOW.

- I ASKED THEM IF THEY COULD

THROW IN A MULE,

BUT NO DICE.

- NO DICE.

- IF WE MARKET IT RIGHT,

WE COULD FLIP THIS HOUSE,

AND WE COULD MAKE

A LOT OF MONEY:

PAY OFF OUR STUDENT LOANS,

AND WE COULD DO THE WEDDING

IN HAWAII.

- I WAS HOPING FOR A RING.

I WAS.

BUT THIS IS VERY ROMANTIC

IN A VERY WEIRD KIND OF WAY.

- EXACTLY WHAT I WAS HOPING

YOU WERE GOING TO SAY.

- OH...

I HAVE TO CALL HILLARY.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

TELL HER WE GOT A HOUSE.

- [laughs]

OH, THAT'S THE ONE THING:

SHITTY CELL SERVICE.

- YEAH, SEE, I KNEW IT WAS

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

- HEY, STOP IT!

- I'M OUT!

[laughing]

- WHAT DID YOU PAY

FOR THIS PLACE?

- 10 GRAND.

- 10 GRAND.

- EVERYTHING IN MY SAVINGS.

- THAT'S, LIKE, FREE.

WHY?

- BECAUSE THIS IS

THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE,

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