Massacre on Aisle 12

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1

Santa you know, you keep staring,

you better give her a tip.

This ain't no free peep show.

Mother hey!

Santa you know what that means.

Santa course you can take

a picture with Santa

just go tell mom it's

gonna cost twenty bucks.

Tara

welcome to Mr. Beavers.

Shopper

idiot, watch where you're going.

Cashier

welcome to Mr. Beavers

welcome to Mr. Beavers

what?

Pictures with

Santa's over there.

Dave

oh, no. I'm Dave.

I'm starting tonight.

Are you asking me or

are you telling me?

I'm supposed to meet Jack.

Try the vending machines.

Okay.

Is it...

Female newscaster ho, ho, hold your

horse gift givers. There's still time

to buy presents with many

retailers staying open late

on Christmas Eve to cash

in on last minute shoppers.

Male newscaster speaking of cashing in,

police are looking for two men who

robbed an armored

car this afternoon.

Male newscaster police say these

men are armed and dangerous.

Anyone with information on the

so called Santa hat bandits

is urged to contact the

crime stoppers hotline.

Jack ahhhhhh!

Jack

ah! Ah!

Jack what do you want?

Pictures with Santa's out there.

Dave uh no, umm, I'm Dave.

I start work here tonight.

Oh, hey, Jack.

Sorry buddy.

Right.

I get a little, little upset

when I don't get my fritter.

Dave right.

And this machine...

Just like my ex.

Jack took my money and

didn't give me no pie.

Huh.

These things are gonna be

the death of me anyway.

You want something?

No I'm, I'm good thank you.

You're good? They make

you start on Christmas Eve

because sh*t f***er Mitch

bails on us and you're good?

Well the bills have been

pilling up right. What can I do?

Tell them go f***

themselves man.

That's what I would have done.

Man f*** this place.

This place sucks.

Aren't you the

assistant manager?

Oh yeah man, I am.

But I'm just here for the money.

I come here every day,

every single day.

Ready to blow my

f***ing brains out.

I even got a special bullet

picked out just for the job.

Hollow point.

I'm just messin' with you man.

Over here's Tara.

Yo' Tara...

Jack Tara...

What?

This is Dave.

The new guy.

We already met,

in a near glorious moment

at this very register.

Don't be a b*tch Tera.

It's his first night.

Save it till we're

sure he's staying,

then do the queen

super b*tch thing.

Whatever.

Dave what are you reading.

Oh, it's really good.

It's called, um,

none of your f***ing business

by leave me the f*** alone.

Ever heard of it?

I stopped going to school

like after two years. I mean

I want to be an actress so what

good is like math and science

and Greek theater anyway?

You know?

And then I got diagnosed

with anxiety disorder so

I had to start taking

Xanax, like, a lot. And

that kept me from

going back to school.

Jack she can't help it,

being a b*tch and all.

She's got like some

chick disease in her 'wawa'

Jack takes pills and sh*t.

Dave I'm sorry did you say a

chick disease in her wawa?

What does that mean?

Totes don't know

bro, just what I heard.

Hmm. I mean I f***ed

her and I'm alright.

Oh, do you guys

have health insurance?

Because my script

kind of ran out and,

I would totally blow someone

for a Xanax right now.

Okay.

Jack no. No, no, no. No cell

phones allowed in the store man.

Boss man will take that

from you lickity split

if he finds you with it.

Seriously?

We had uh, an incident

here, not too long ago.

We call it the uh, "great

Mr. Beavers iPhone f*** up"

basically it involved

somebody, won't name names,

takin' a sh*t in a

display toilet,

snap a cell phone picture.

Bamm! Instagram, Twitter,

hashtag Mr. Beaver's

display toilet hell.

Went viral; Got

like a million hits.

Anyway, corporate found out,

they yanked our cell phones.

That's... that's horrible.

I know right. What

right does that give them to

yank our cell phone privileges

f***ing fascist man.

What no, no, no. Someone

actually took a sh*t,

in this display toilet.

Dude, yeah that happens

like three times a week.

No seriously, little kids,

the homeless, elderly people.

I've even dropped a

deuce in it before.

You take a sh*t in the store?

Not our toilets. I'm talkin'

like Lowes, or home depot

no. No I was not fired

from home depot.

Okay, who told you that?

O'tooney? He's full of sh*t.

I left on my own volition to

pursue other opportunities.

Look I was falsely accused of

shitting in a display toilet.

That's it. I left on my own.

It had nothing to do with that.

Boss hired a rent-a-clause for

Christmas. Barbie was my idea.

Dave she seems a little under

dressed for Christmas.

Jack oh, yeah.

Santa ho, ho, ho

here comes Santa

now, why don't you be a good girl... I'd

like to give her a kiss on her camel toe.

Jack you're hired.

Barbie

what really I got the job?

Oh my god I'm so excited.

When do I start?

I want to start right now.

Yaay... wait!

Hold up pal...

Do I get to keep my tips or do I

have to split them with Santa?

Jack you can keep the tip.

Yo, black Jack.

Black Jack what the

f*** do you want man?

Jack this here's Jackson Porter

we call him

black Jack because...

Obviously...

Can you believe this is

the assistant manager?

He thinks he's really

clever. What are you

writing in your book? Some

of your wack black Jack raps?

Man f*** you white bread.

I'll slit yo' damn throat.

Whatever man yeah I'm good with

all that. That's no problem

cause I'm so big and strong, but

I ain't yo' house nigga though.

A'ight so don't be puttin me

on that heavy liftin and sh*t

all the damn time.

That's what I did at

the other f***ing store

and I didn't come

here to do that sh*t.

No lackey work for me.

Get ya' own nigga for that

sh*t. You know what I'm sayin'?

Dave so he's a writer?

Jack what because of

his scribble pad? No.

He's writin" his

ghetto ass gansta' life

prison logic in there.

You don't know that he

could be working on a book

or some poetry.

And besides, if he

rips you like that,

why don't you

guys just fire him?

Because our

manager, Mr. Kipper,

is the biggest

most pathetic p*ssy

in the entire history

of big pussies ever.

And he's terrified of

that black bastard.

In fact I'm pretty sure he's

terrified of all the coloreds.

Oh I uh, don't think we

refer to them as that anymore.

We do here.

Mr. Kipper

we do here what?

Mr. Kipper? Ha, ha, oh!

I was just tellin' the new guy

here what a tight ship you run.

Oh, well then

please. Keep talking.

Uh Dave, uh barns,

welcome aboard.

It's so good to have you

on my tight little ship.

Uh Jack, once you've

shown him around,

send him up to

the office alright.

There it is.

Oh my god dude,

how gay was that?

In, in what way?

I don't mean gay

like offensively gay.

I mean gay like he wants to

lick the perspiration

off your ass hole gay.

Oh. Uh, the real gay

way. Yeah no I got it.

Jack!

Otto did you leave those fritter

wrappers by that paint can

that spilled all over the

filling cabinet? Yes or no boy.

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