Massacre on Aisle 12 Page #2

---

Jack uh no man, of course not.

My weaknesses?

What in the hell kind of

question is that?

Are you talkin about my

disability caused by some

f***ing towel head who shot an

RPG up my ass during my fourth

combat mission killing no good

cock suckin' camel f***in'

terrorist in Iraq while

you were in college

suckin' off your liberal

no good hippie professor

at your communist lovin' college

in upstate my daddy's a rich

prick bought me a Porsche

can't afford to pay his taxes

that would fund the f***in'

veteran's hospital that

would fix my leg so I could

kick you in your

f***in' teeth right now?

That disability?

Hey this is Dave, the new guy.

Dave this is Otto, he's our

store... maintenance guy.

New soldier huh?

You look good son.

Fit, I like that.

I'm the tactical maintenance

team leader which means

I extract and destroy all the

sh*t these dickwads leave behind

every time they

traipse through my store.

What? What are

you laughing at boy?

That funny?

That funny to you?

You like dumpin' paint

toxins all over the place?

The same brain degenerating

paint toxins that bin Ladin

dumped on my ass back in 2005

after I killed his herd of

goats he liked to f***. Huh?

That's why I'm

blind in one eye boy.

Sorry... about the

blindness and all.

We got some important

orientation stuff to do,

so if you'll excuse us.

Oh do you? Do you?

So we're just...

Do you?

Yeah.

Well you make sure

this dumb f*** right here

that he knows the difference

between methyl butyl hexane

two and six because what I bet

your dumb ass doesn't know,

is it is easily confused

for dichlor ethane

which is what I used on Saddam

when I water boarded his ass.

Made his dick fall off.

Who's laughin now fucks?

Who's laughin now?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

I think that guy's got

a serious case of PTSD.

How bout you say thank you

soldier, god bless America?

And tell me when

I f***in' start.

This is the hydraulic crane.

Do not tough the hydraulic crane

until you get certified. Ever.

Wow. This thing is awesome.

This thing is like a

deadly weapon around here.

Alright. I-OSHA takes

this sh*t serious.

I take this sh*t serious.

Okay, you touch this

without getting certified.

You get fired. Or killed.

Crushed to death before you

even know what happened.

I'm for real man.

Big time danger.

Dude lost an arm

first time I was here.

Who?

Kipper f***in freaks out over

this thing 16 times a day.

Ah!

Dave where are we going?

Jack up to see the boss.

Hey, are you cool?

About the elevator?

No man are you cool cool

what do you mean?

Do you do weed?

I've done some landscaping

no man pot.

No, no, no, no.

You're gonna have to start

if you want to be cool here.

Jack shhh! Where are you going?

Follow me.

Come on.

Dave what is this?

Old crawl space.

No body knows its up here.

Pharms, you up here?

Jack this is Dave, the new guy.

Dave oh, no, I'm good thank you.

Pharms marijuana is the

only way to escape

the drudgery of this place.

Plus this is some

real good Sinsemilla.

What's this one?

Oh. Its a new

mix I'm working on.

I call it sour purple turbo.

Oh yeah.

Try it.

Keep it down, he'll hear you.

Arms up.

Up in the air.

Pharms it's, uh, tetrahydrocannabinol

and diacetylmorphine.

Basically weed and heroin.

Pharms party foul.

Sorry.

Don't apologize to me.

What is that?

Pharms Bucky the Beaver.

Our idol.

I liberated him from

the corporate office

on a peyote

induced vision quest.

Now he resides here, watching

over and protecting us.

We do not offend Bucky.

So any party foul

committed in his presence

must be apologized for.

Jack alright.

And penance paid.

I was gonna get a fritter later.

We offer to Bucky so he may

forgive us our party fouls.

And shield us from

our misery and torment.

Sorry Bucky.

Dave guys, if its so miserable

here, why don't you just quit?

I figure Kipper's only

gonna' last so long

before he gets fired

for soliciting sex from

underaged boys online.

Then they'll make me manager.

He has sex with

underaged boys, here?

I don't know,

it's just a theory.

I keep watching that to catch a

predator show waitin to see him.

I get to experiment with

chemicals all day.

Do you have any idea, the

street value of this stuff?

Do I use illegal drugs now?

Do you mean illegal federally

or more on a state level?

Because I can take the drug test

I would just need about thirty

days to you know study for it.

Mr. Kipper Jack will show you the ropes.

He's my second in command.

You'll see we have a strong

mutual respect for each other.

I run a good, solid crew here.

Otto, the two Jacks, Terra.

She used to have a bit of a

substance abuse issue.

But, I'm happy to say, we

nipped that problem in the bud.

Now she's a model employee.

We're a team.

We help each other.

So I need you to

do somethin' for me.

Relax kiddo.

I just need to get your

measurements.

Let's start with your

shirt and penis size.

I'm sorry what?

Uh, pants size. Sorry.

Damn auto correct.

So how big are you?

Pants. And shirt.

Oh, um, thirty four long.

Uh, medium shirt maybe.

Ah, Dave.

We need to look our

best around here.

So we need exact

specifications for our uniforms.

It's no big deal.

I'll just take your

measurements on your shoulder.

And let me know if I make you

feel uncomfortable in any way.

Dave okay.

Mr. Kipper

Dave, you're so tense.

It's, uh, first day jitters.

I'm a little nervous.

Mr. Kipper

oh, no need for that.

Just think of me as

your friendly uncle.

So you're thirty four in slack.

No jeans? Because I can measure.

No, nope I'm good I got it yeah.

Okay. Alright then.

Oh. Cell phone.

You'll need to check

that in with me.

Come on, whip it out.

Come on get that out. Come on.

Thank you.

Mr. Kipper

there's nothing to worry about.

It's safe in here,

and no one can steal it.

See.

Oh and no one's gonna

look through it for any

sexting pictures you

may have left on it. Huh?

I, uh... Ha ha ha, come on.

Mr. Kipper oh, uh I need

you to go downstairs and

move a tool crib on aisle 12.

Get someone to help

you down there. Alight.

First assignment.

Go on... yeah.

Black Jack damn I think

the wheels are stuck.

Dave lift it.

Sh*t!

F***in' thing is heavy.

It's the heaviest

thing I've ever lifted.

F***!

Mr. Kipper

ummm... problem?

Kipper this thing's-

is slippery.

What's the matter?

F*** it. Man I'll

tell you bout it later.

Okay?

Jack, assistance on aisle 12.

This is your ship's

captain speaking.

Mr.

- ah, yeah.

Mr. Kipper

you take that end.

Dave if you get on

bottom, I'll be on top.

Mr. Kipper oh. Ah. Alright

somethin' funny is goin' on here.

Maybe we should

open that darn thing up.

What's the matter?

We'll see?

Theft perhaps.

What?

Mr. Kipper do any of you

know this gentleman?

Sir, are you okay?

I think he's dead, Mr. Kipper

Jack, could you please

gather everyone together

for an impromptu store

meeting. Thank you very much.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes