Max on Set: The Hangover Page #2

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in a schoolgirl outfit?

- Yeah.

- Why would I ever need, like...

- You're right. And if you ever do...

- What?

...I will f***ing kick your ass.

Thank you. Thank you for that.

That is exactly what I needed to hear.

Not to mention it's pathetic.

Those places are filthy.

And the worst part is...

...that little girl...

...grinding and dry humping

the f***ing stage up there...

...that's somebody's daughter up there.

- I was just gonna say that.

See? I just wish your friends

were as mature as you.

They are mature, actually.

You just have to get to know them better.

PHIL:

Paging Dr. F*ggot.

Dr. F*ggot!

- I should go.

- That's a good idea, Dr. F*ggot.

Have a good weekend.

I'm gonna miss you.

Whoo!

Road trip!

[SCREAMS]

Vegas! Vegas, baby!

Vegas!

[LAUGHS]

You're nuts!

Come on, just till Barstow.

Everybody's passing us.

Absolutely not. I promised Sid.

I will be the only one driving this car.

Besides, you're drinking.

Oh, what are you, a cop now?

You know I drive great when I'm drunk.

True. Don't forget,

Phil was always our designated drunk driver.

Yeah. You wanna explain it

to them, Alan?

Guys, my dad loves this car

more than he loves me, so, yeah.

Aw, whatever. I left my wife and kid

at home so I could go with you guys.

- You know how difficult that was?

- That's really sweet.

- Yeah.

- Dude, I was being sarcastic.

I f***ing hate my life.

- I may never go back. I might stay in Vegas.

- Here we go.

Doug, enjoy yourself,

because come Sunday...

...you're gonna start dying

just a little bit every day.

Yeah. That's why I've managed

to stay single this whole time, you know?

- Oh, really? That's why you're single?

- Yeah.

Cool. Good to know.

- Am I all right over there, Alan?

- Yeah, you're good.

[TRUCK HONKS]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

DOUG:

Aw, Jesus Christ!

- Oh, my God!

- That was awesome!

That was not awesome.

What's wrong with you?

- That was insane. We almost just died.

- You should have seen your face.

- Classic.

- That's funny. Ha-ha.

It's not funny.

[MAN WHISTLES]

- Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.

- Don't touch it.

Don't even look at it. Go on, get out.

You heard me.

Don't look at me, either.

Yeah, you better walk on.

- He's actually kind of funny.

- Yeah, he means well.

ALAN:

I'll hit an old man in public.

Is he all there? Like, mentally?

I think so. He's just an odd guy.

You know, he's kind of weird.

- I mean, should we be worried?

- No.

- All right.

- No.

Tracy did mention

that we shouldn't let him gamble.

Or drink too much.

Jesus, he's like a gremlin.

Comes with instructions and sh*t.

STU:

And one water.

- All good with Melissa?

- Oh, yeah.

Told her we're two hours

outside of wine country, and she bought it.

You think it's strange you've been

in a relationship for years...

...and you have to lie about Vegas?

Yeah, I do.

But trust me, it's not worth the fight.

Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can

f*** a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?

Hey.

Okay, first of all, he was a bartender.

And she was wasted.

And, if you must know,

he didn't even come inside her.

And you believe that?

Uh, yeah, I do believe that,

because she's grossed out by semen.

That'll be 32.50.

It's 32.50, you gonna pay for it?

It says here we should work in teams.

Who wants to be my spotter?

I don't think you should be doing

too much gambling tonight, Alan.

Gambling?

Who said anything about gambling?

It's not gambling

when you know you're gonna win.

Counting cards is a foolproof system.

It's also illegal.

It's not illegal, it's frowned upon,

like masturbating on an airplane.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.

Yeah, maybe after 9/11,

where everybody got so sensitive.

Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.

Either way, you gotta be super smart

to count cards, buddy, okay?

ALAN:
Oh, really?

- It's not easy.

Well maybe we should tell that

to Rain Man...

...because he practically bankrupted

a casino, and he was a retard.

What?

He was a retard.

Retard.

PHIL:

Here we go.

WOMAN:

Hi, welcome to Caesars.

STU:
Hello.

WOMAN:
Checking in?

Yeah. We have a reservation

under Dr. Price.

LISA:

Okay, let me look that up for you.

Dr. Price?

Stu, you're a dentist, okay?

Don't try and get fancy.

- It's not fancy if it's true.

- He's a dentist. Don't get too excited.

And if, uh, someone has a heart attack,

you should still call 911.

We'll be sure to do that.

Can I ask you a question?

Do you know if the hotel's pager-friendly?

- What do you mean?

- I'm not getting a sig on my beeper.

- I'm not sure.

ALAN:
Is there a payphone bank?

Bunch of payphones? Business.

Um, there's a phone in your room.

That'll work.

So I have you in a two-bedroom suite

on the 12th floor, is that okay?

It sounds perfect.

Actually, I was wondering

if you had any villas.

- We're not even gonna be in the room.

- It's unnecessary.

No big deal. We can share beds.

It's one night.

If we're share beds,

I'm bunking with Phil.

- You good with that?

- No, I'm not.

Guys, we are not sharing beds.

What are we, 12 years old?

Lisa, I apologize.

How much is the villa?

Well, we have one villa available,

and it's 4200 for the night.

- Is it awesome?

- It's pretty awesome.

- We'll take it. Give her your credit card.

- I can't give her my credit card.

- We'll split it.

- Are you crazy? No, this is on us.

You don't get it.

Melissa checks my statements.

We just need a credit card on file.

We won't charge you until check out,

so you can figure it out then.

That's perfect. Thank you, Lisa.

We'll deal with it tomorrow. Come on.

Fine.

- Can I ask you another question?

LISA:
Sure.

You probably get this a lot.

This isn't the real Caesars Palace,

is it?

What do you mean?

Did, uh...

- Did Caesar live here?

- Um, no.

I didn't think so.

STU:

Holy sh*t.

[PHIL GROANS]

PHIL:

Now, this is Vegas.

DOUG:

Oh, my... This place is enormous.

PHIL:

Now we're talking.

Is this all one suite?

Thank you, guys.

Or should I say, "Thank you, Stu"?

You're welcome.

It's only because I love you.

Hey, guys. Look, free almonds.

- Oh, no, no, no. Please put those back.

- Wait, I'm just hungry.

- Well, I know, but...

- Stu, what the f***?

It's a pressure-sensitive plate. When you pick

it up, you have 30 seconds to put it back...

...or they bill you.

ALAN:
That's pretty neat.

STU:
It may be neat,

but it's also very expensive, so...

Those almonds are probably, like, $14.

Stu, relax.

Phil, Melissa is like

a forensic accountant, okay?

She scours my statements.

If you want nuts...

...put your own credit card down.

- Watch this.

Problem solved.

Alan, enjoy your almonds.

I don't want them. He ruined it.

All right, let's pick a room, let's get

dressed. Be ready in 30 minutes.

I just wish you could see this place,

because you, of all people, would love it.

Yeah. No, it's so quaint.

Yeah, no, there's no TVs, no phones.

They just have these cute little antique

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