Max on Set: The Hangover Page #3

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radios in all the rooms.

Yeah.

What else? Um...

We met the, uh, proprietor.

- Oh, I bet you...

STU:
What's his name?

Um, Caesar. Palac.

Yeah, like the salad.

Okay. Well, listen, I gotta go,

because we're gonna hit this wine tasting.

Wait, wait. I love you. Okay. Bye.

I'm not even gonna say anything,

it's so embarrassing.

- Where's Alan?

- He, uh, he went downstairs.

He said he had to grab a few things.

Good, because I have something

to show you.

DOUG:

Uh-Oh.

- What the hell is that?

STU:
What do you think?

If it's what I think it is,

I think it's a big f***ing mistake.

I'm gonna propose to Melissa

at your wedding. After the ceremony.

- Stuey, congratulations!

- Thank you, Doug.

- That's a beautiful ring.

- Yeah. It's my grandmother's.

She made it all the way through

the Holocaust with that thing.

Wait, have you not listened

to anything I have ever said?

Phil, we've been dating for three years.

It's time. This is how it works.

A, that is bullshit.

And B, she is a complete b*tch.

Hey, that's his fiance.

What? It's true. It's true.

You know it's true. She beats him.

That was twice, and I was out of line.

She's strong-willed. And I respect that.

Wow. Wow.

He's in denial.

Not to mention, she f***ed a sailor.

DOUG:

Hey, he wasn't a sailor.

He was a bartender on a cruise ship.

You know that.

Guys, I'm standing right here.

So I can hear everything that you're saying.

Hey, guys. You ready to let the dogs out?

- What?

- Do what?

ALAN:

Let the dogs out. You know.

[SINGING "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT"]

Who brought this guy?

DOUG:
Yes, Alan, we are ready

to let the dogs out.

- Hey, congrats.

- Thank you.

I love this f***ing town.

- You're not really wearing that, are you?

- Wearing what?

The man-purse.

You're actually gonna wear that

or are you guys f***ing with me?

It's where I keep all my things.

I get a lot of compliments on this.

Plus, it's not a man-purse.

It's called a satchel.

Indiana Jones wears one.

So does Joy Behar.

- We're going up, guys.

- Yeah, that's perfect.

STU:

Really?

We're going up?

I'm just saying,

it's clearly marked, okay?

We are definitely

not supposed to be up here.

Come on, we're paying for a villa.

We can do whatever the f*** we want.

- Yeah, but...

- Just wedge the door open.

- Guys, come on up here.

- Fine.

DOUG:

How the hell did you find this place?

Don't worry about it.

Oh!

- You all right?

- Yeah.

- Look at the view up here.

- You happy?

- This is great.

- Whoa!

[PHIL CHUCKLES]

Are you kidding?

PHIL:
Alan, how we doing, buddy?

- Good.

DOUG:
What do you got over there, Alan?

STU:
That's the Eiffel Tower.

Uh-oh.

- Right?

- A little Jgermeister.

- Good idea.

- There it is. Good call.

On the roof.

Um, no, this is good.

I'd like to make a toast.

To Doug and Tracy.

May tonight be...

...but a minor speed bump...

...in an otherwise very long

and healthy marriage.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Short and sweet.

DOUG:

Oh, it's like college.

- All right. I wanna talk about something.

DOUG:
All right.

- I want to...

ALAN:
I'd like to...

I'd like to say something...

...that I prepared...

...tonight.

- All right, Alan.

"Hello.

How about that ride in?

I guess that's why they call it

Sin City.

[ALAN CHUCKLES]

You guys might not know this,

but I consider myself a bit of a loner.

I tend to think of myself

as a one-man wolf pack.

But when my sister brought Doug home,

I knew he was one of my own.

And my wolf pack, it grew by one.

So were there two...

So there were two of us in the wolf pack.

I was alone first in the pack,

and then Doug joined in later.

And six months ago...

...when Doug introduced me to you guys,

I thought:

'Wait a second. Could it be? '

And now, I know for sure.

I just added two more guys

to my wolf pack."

- All right.

- All right.

ALAN:

"Four of us wolves...

...running around the desert together

in Las Vegas...

...looking for strippers and cocaine."

So tonight...

...I make a toast.

- Whoa.

- What...?

- What do you got there?

PHIL:
Dude, what the f***?

DOUG:
What the hell are you doing?

[ALAN GROANS]

- What is that?

- Blood brothers.

- Don't... Why did you...?

- Damn it.

- Here.

- Alan...

- No.

- No, I'm not doing that.

ALAN:
Go ahead, Stuart.

- Make him stop.

Alan, we're not gonna cut ourselves.

Give me the knife.

Slowly. Thank you.

Okay. Thank you very much.

PHIL:
You all right? Are you okay?

ALAN:
Mm-hm.

- Do you need a doctor?

- He's good.

PHIL:
You sure?

ALAN:
I'm good.

All right, good,

because I need everybody to focus.

I wanna take a moment, I wanna talk

about some... I wanna talk about memory.

No, better yet,

I wanna talk about selective memory.

You see, whatever happens here tonight

may as well never have happened at all...

...because this circle's about as far

as it's ever gonna go.

In other words, forget everything.

[CHUCKLES]

Doug, I'm serious. I got a wife and kid.

Okay, good or bad, we don't remember

so we got nothing to talk about.

Nothing, guys. Nothing.

Deal?

- Deal.

STU:
Deal.

- Perfect. Alan, come here, buddy.

STU:
Get in here, crazy.

All right, to a night

we'll never remember...

...but the four of us

will never forget.

STU:
There it is.

PHIL:
Hear, hear.

DOUG:

Hey, thanks, guys.

[GRUNTS & GROANS]

[ALAN GRUNTS]

[GROWLING]

Hm.

Stupid tiger.

[GASPS]

[TIGER ROARS]

[ALAN AND PHIL GRUNT]

PHIL:

What the f***?

Control yourself, man.

Goddamn, will you put on some pants?

- Phil, do not go in the bathroom.

- AI, just calm down. It's me.

Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom.

- What's going on?

- There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!

- Okay, okay, Al. Al, I'll check it out.

ALAN:
Don't go in.

Don't go in, don't go in.

Be careful. Don't, don't.

[TIGER GROWLS]

- Oh! Holy f***! He's not kidding.

ALAN:
See? See?

- There's a tiger in there.

- No, there isn't.

Yeah!

- It's big. Gigantic.

- You okay, buddy?

No. I am in so much pain right now.

Goddamn. Look at this place.

Whew.

I know. Phil, they have my credit card

downstairs. I am so screwed.

How does a tiger get in the bathroom?

It almost killed me.

Hey, bro?

You mind putting on some pants?

I find it a little weird

I have to ask twice.

ALAN:
Pants at a time like this?

I don't have any p...

What the f*** happened last night?

Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth?

I can't... Oh, sh*t.

Oh, my God.

My lateral incisor's... It's gone!

It's okay. Okay, okay. Just calm down.

We're fine. Everything's fine.

Alan, go wake up Doug.

Let's get some coffee and get the f***

out of Nevada before housekeeping shows.

What am I gonna tell Melissa? I lost a tooth.

I have no idea how it happened.

You're freaking me out, man.

I got a massive headache, okay?

Let's just calm down.

How am I supposed to calm down?

Look around you.

- Hey, guys, he's not in there.

- Did you check all the rooms?

Yeah, I looked everywhere.

Plus, his mattress is gone.

He probably went to the pool

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