Max on Set: The Hangover Page #4

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to get something to eat.

I'll just call his cell.

I look like a nerdy hillbilly.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

- Hello?

- Alan.

Hey.

- It's Phil.

- Oh, hey, Phi...

This is Doug's phone.

This is Doug's phone.

PHIL:
No sh*t.

- Yeah.

[BABY CRYING]

What the f*** is that?

Whose f***ing baby is that?

Alan, are you sure you didn't see

anyone else in the suite?

Yeah, I checked all the rooms.

No one's here.

Check its collar or something.

Shh. Shh.

- It's okay, baby.

- Stu, we don't have time for this.

Let's go hook up with Doug,

we'll deal with the baby later.

Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby

in the room.

- There's a f***ing tiger in the bathroom.

- It's not our baby.

Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.

All right, fine.

Okay, we'll take it with us.

Could you at least just find some pants?

Why can't we remember a goddamn thing

from last night?

Because we obviously

had a great f***ing time.

Why don't you just stop worrying

for one minute?

Be proud of yourself.

I don't know, Phil.

Maybe it's because I'm missing a tooth.

Or maybe it's because

there's a tiger in our hotel room...

...which, incidentally,

is completely destroyed.

Oh, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, I know.

Maybe it's because we found a baby,

a human baby.

That's it. That's it.

It's because we found a f***ing baby.

- You shouldn't curse around the child.

- Really? You shouldn't be around a child.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Oh, how cute. What's his name?

- Ben.

- Carlos.

Carlos?

Thank you.

Hey, Phil, look.

[ALAN LAUGHING]

He's jacking his little weenis.

- Pull yourself together, man.

- Not at the table, Carlos.

[ALAN & PHIL CHUCKLE]

I looked everywhere.

Gym, casino, front desk.

Nobody's seen Doug. He's not here.

He's fine. He's a grown man.

Seriously, Stu, you gotta calm down.

Here, have some juice.

I can't have juice right now.

Okay. All right.

Let's just track this thing.

[PHIL COUGHS]

What's the last thing

we remember doing last night?

Well, the first thing was

we were on the roof...

...and were having those shots of Jger.

[RETCHES & COUGHS]

And then we ate dinner

at The Palm. Right?

That's right.

And then we played craps at

the Hard Rock, and I think Doug was there.

That sounds right.

No, no. He definitely was.

You know what, guys?

I don't even remember going to dinner.

What the f***?

I don't think I've ever been this hung-over.

After the Hard Rock, I blacked out.

It was like emptiness.

[LAUGHS]

Okay. We have up until 10 p. M...

...so that gives us a 12-hour window

where we could have lost him.

ALAN:
What is this?

- Oh, my God. That is my tooth.

Why do you have that?

What else is in your pockets?

This is a good thing. No.

Check your pockets. Check your pockets.

Do you have anything?

I have an ATM receipt

from the Bellagio.

Eleven-oh-five for $800!

I am so f***ed.

I have a valet ticket from Caesars.

Looks like we got in at 5:15 a.m.

Oh, sh*t. We drove last night?

[ALAN LAUGHS]

Driving drunk. Classic.

[LAUGHS]

What's on your arm?

- What the f*** is that?

- Jesus, Phil.

- You were in the hospital last night.

- I guess so, yeah.

- You okay?

- Yeah, Alan. I'm fine.

What the hell is going on?

Well, Stu, Stu, this is a good thing.

We have a lead now.

Hey, Stu, watch this.

[LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

- You ever seen a baby do that?

- Dude, Alan, not cool.

So, uh, are you sure you're qualified

to be taking care of that baby?

What? I've found a baby before.

- You found a baby before?

- Yeah.

- Where?

- Coffee Bean.

STU:

Wait, what?

Hey, Phil? I don't think Doug

would want us to take the Mercedes.

Relax, we'll be careful.

My dad is crazy about that car.

He left Doug in charge...

Alan. We got bigger problems here.

Doug could be in the hospital,

he could be hurt.

[CRANE BEEPING]

- Let's worry about the car later.

- Uh, guys? Check it out.

MAN:

All right, grab it from the other side.

Is that the mattress from Doug's room?

PHIL:

What the f***?

Hey, man, what's going on here?

Some a**hole threw his bed

out the window last night.

- No sh*t.

- Yeah.

Some guys just can't handle Vegas.

Ha-ha.

Oh, God.

It's gonna be okay, Stu.

How the hell did we manage that?

- Here's your car, officers.

- Oh, God.

All right, everybody act cool.

All right, don't say a word.

Come on, let's just get in and go.

Come on.

- Stu, you got a five?

STU:
No.

PHIL:
I'll hit you on the way back.

VALET:
Thank you, sir.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

[BABY CRYING]

You just nailed the baby.

ALAN:

Are my glasses okay?

Your glasses are fine, dick.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

STU:

This is so illegal.

Can't you see the fun part in anything?

Yeah, we're stuck in traffic

in a stolen police car...

...with a missing child

in the back seat.

Which part of this is fun?

- I think the cop-car part's pretty cool.

- Thank you, Alan. It is cool.

Doug would love it.

Come on.

[SIREN WAILING]

- Check this out.

STU:
Oh, no. No, Phil. No, Phil.

Don't do this!

PHIL:
Take it easy.

- Just try to call more attention to us.

PHIL [OVER PA]:
Attention.

- Sorry.

PHIL:

Attention, please. Move out of the way.

I repeat, please disperse.

Phil, stop the car, I wanna get out.

Stop the car, I wanna get out. Pull over.

Ma'am, in the leopard dress,

you have an amazing rack.

STU:
Get off the sidewalk!

Get off the sidewalk!

I should have been a f***ing cop.

[STU SCREAMS]

Look, I already told you.

You came in with a mild concussion,

some bruised ribs. No big deal.

Although none of you could articulate

how it happened.

Do you remember how many of us

were here?

Ah...

I don't know. I think it was just you guys.

Definitely no baby.

- And one other guy.

- That's our guy. Was he okay?

Yeah. He was fine.

Just whacked out of his mind. You all were.

All right, come forward.

And turn.

All right.

There you go. And cough.

[MAN COUGHING]

Cough. Cough. Give me one more.

All right. Thattaboy.

Okay, Felix, you can put your robe on.

And the nurse will be in here

in a minute.

I'll see you after the weekend.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, doctor.

Guys, I really gotta go. I'm sorry.

I have a surgery up on the fourth floor.

No, I know. But we just need

a couple more minutes of your time.

Yeah. Tuck it right in there.

I don't want to re-sterilize.

Walk with me.

Okay, here we go. Patient name,

Phil Wenneck, 2:
45 a.m. Arrival.

Minor concussion, like I said.

Some bruising. Pretty standard.

Do you mind if I look?

I'm actually a doctor.

Yeah, you said that several times last night.

But really, you're just a dentist.

Okay, this is interesting.

Your blood work came in this morning.

Wow.

They found a large amount of Ruphylin

in your system.

Ruphylin. Roofies.

Commonly known as the date-rape drug.

What, so, what are you saying,

I was raped last night?

Actually...

I don't think so.

But someone did slip you the drug.

I'm not surprised

you don't remember anything.

[CHUCKLES]

Doc, none of us can remember anything

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